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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

my niece died in july

13 replies

razors · 20/12/2010 22:40

she was 11 years old. She died from a brain tumor. Just miss her so much every day I cry and every time I put my dd to bed and kiss her goodnight my heart breaks for my sister. I hate not including her somehow this Christmas. My sister wants to keep things as normal as possible for her other children. I'm here doing my cards and presents and her name isn't here. I want to put her name on their card because she is still my niece and still their baby sister. I've bought presents but there is one missing and I want to give/do something to include her. Oh I don't know what I'm trying to say I don't know what to do. Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say? please help what do I do?

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Guitargirl · 20/12/2010 22:47

I am so sorry about your niece . I think I would do whatever you need to do yourself to remember her but please do whatever your sister, as her Mum, asks. She is probably doing whatever she needs to get through Christmas for herself and her other children. It must be horrendous. Maybe light a candle for her on Christmas Eve or release a balloon? That might sound trite to some but I do think that rituals like these can help the bereaved. I am so sorry.

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chuckeyegg · 20/12/2010 22:52

I think really you need to respect your sisters wishes, it was not that long ago and I expect her family are still quite raw and maybe not ready to think about it to directly this year.

Maybe you should get in touch with your local bereavment service they are in most areas, it can be really helpful to talk through you feelings with someone you don't know and they can give you support.

I hope this helps. x

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razors · 20/12/2010 22:54

Thank you guitargirl. The candle at Christmas Eve is a nice thought. I want to talk to my sister but I keep bloody sobbing, wish I could be stronger like she is

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razors · 20/12/2010 22:55

Thank you chuckyegg

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peterpansmum · 20/12/2010 23:22

Hiya razors, I'm so sorry for your loss - it's just so tragic when children die. I do understand what you're trying to say... it's christmas and there's a niece-shaped hole... what does your sister want to do? My son died in march 2009 and the first christmas without him was just so sooo raw... every card received was like someone was stabbing me. We got through christmas for the sake of our surviving son but it was a very difficult time. Everyone grieves so differently - I have not done christmas cards since my son died - they just seem so pointless now.

The ideas above are good ones - if your sister doesn't want to do any of these there's no reason you couldn't make a donation to a relevant charity in your niece's memory or release balloons or chinese lanterns yourselves. We have bought a special candle holder this year which will be on our table at christmas - DS1 chose it and we will light candles in his wee brother's memory on christmas day and many other days.

Above all just being there for her if she wants help to walk with her, hold her hand and help her keep it as normal as possible for her other children through such a difficult time is something she may appreciate - If you find it diffiult to talk to her could you write her a letter? Love and strength to you and yours xx

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razors · 20/12/2010 23:41

I'm so sorry about your dear son. Children shouldn't die. It's not right. My dd made a card for my sis and her children. I can't write it out though - not without her name on it....do I put her name on it? I'm here wrapping presents for my nieces and there is one missing, it's not right. I'll be going to her on Christmas morning but going to my mums for dinner, she is my step sister so will go to her mums for Christmas. She wants to keep things as normal as possible for the other children and wants them to enjoy themselves (as much is possible) my niece was ill for 18 months so it's been a horrible time for everyone I want to put her name on the card or is that cruel? I want to offer a gift of some sort but as you say it all seems so pointless, the only gift any of us want is our darling back with us again. Thank you for your thoughts and my thoughts are with you your family too xx

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peterpansmum · 21/12/2010 00:48

Thank you for your kind words. The nicest most thoughtful card I received this week said to PPM, DH, DS1 and never forgetting Gregor wishing you a peaceful Christmas love from x,y and z.... Those little words meant such a lot as I think so many people write what I call 'mechanical' Christmas cards ie they have a list and a pile of cards and they just mechanically plod through them without thinking. The majority of people wrote us cards last year and completely ignored our loss... I found that incredibly difficult last year. Grief is such an individual emotion though and what has helped me may not help your ssister ... What does your instincts tell you to do? I'd stick with that. What about a tree decoration with her name on it?

I can totally identify with trying to keep Christmas as normal as it can be for the other kids as I did exactly the same last year ... But I totally crashed at new year and went to bed at 8pm ... I just couldn't cope with people wishing me a happy new year as in 2009 I held my son but I knew in 2010 I never would. Xx

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reddaisy · 21/12/2010 00:59

I'm so, so sorry for all of your losses. It is very hard to copy when people don't acknowledge in some way that someone very special and loved is missing.

My father died very suddenly when I was a child and I hated people not mentioning him when I was growing up as his loss never went away for me.

My auntie did a lovely thing for me last year, she bought me a beautiful Christmas tree ornament from that pretty Swarkovski shop and told me to put it on my tree in memory of my dad every year. When we bought our tree this year, we had a happy time decorating it and then at the end I put the decoration on and it truly felt that he was a part of things in a small way.

It meant a lot to me because now I have started a new tradition that involves his memory at Christmas.

And please don't think that your sister is stronger than you. I'm sure she is just pretending to be. Talk to her, cry with her, never stop mentioning her daughter, your niece, that will mean she is never forgotten.

I hope you find some small way forward that will bring a chink of peace to your Christmas this year. xx

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differentnameforthis · 21/12/2010 01:53

I am so sorry for you loss.

My niece lost a baby at 27 weeks a few years ago, at the beginning of December. I bought a angle decoration for the tree that year & place it there every year on the day she was buried. I also light a candle for her, and say a little something Christmas eve.

I know it isn't the same as your loss, but it helps me acknowledge her.

I don't think your sister is stronger than you, just that she is holding it together for her other children.

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FiveColdRingsForSolo · 21/12/2010 02:22

Not quite the same, but my DDad died in Aug 09 and when it was my parents wedding anniversary the following April, I sent her a blank card simply saying 'Because I haven't forgotten that this is a special day...' she really did appreciate it.

Maybe you could send a card just to your Niece saying 'because we haven't forgotten you this Christmas. We miss you at our table, but you are still in our hearts...' or something like that.

I wish you all comfort.x

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razors · 21/12/2010 20:35

Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me I really appreciate it. The tree decoration is a lovely idea and the card just for my niece I like too. I just can't imagine not acknowledging her in some way. We do talk about her often, usually ends with my sister consoling me though!

Thank you all very much and wish you peace and good health this Christmas xx

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izzybiz · 21/12/2010 20:51

razors Firstly, so sorry for your familys loss, its truly heartbreaking.

My niece died in April 2005, she was 19 months old. My SIL received cards to her, Dh and their new baby Dd who was born 8 weeks after Freya died. Sil refused to put up any cards as they didn't include Freya, 5 years on she always writes cards and includes Freyas name in them.
Everybody is different in how they deal with their pain, talk to your sister, don't ever thin you are hurting her by talking, she hurts already, remembering your niece is the best way to keep her with you.

Every christmas eve Dh, myself and our Dc visit Freyas grave, Dd draws a picture or makes a card, we take an ornament and flowers, and a card just to her to include her in our christmas.

We have a lantern and special decorations that we put with a picture of Freya on her last christmas with us.

I hope you all have as peaceful a christmas as you can, take care. x

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razors · 21/12/2010 21:42

Oh Izzybiz 19 months old poor little darling Freya. I shall be remembering you too in my thoughts this Christmas. I get totally how your sister feels. just because my niece is not here physically she is forever in my heart and my thoughts and I couldn't write a card and leave a big space where her name should be. She is still in our family and will always be. Thank you for sharing your story with me. x