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anyone is grieving for a parent

(829 Posts)
2shoes Sat 20-Nov-10 23:40:24

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

AbstractMouse Sun 21-Nov-10 00:15:35

My Dad died when I was 15, we weren't really close, but it hit me hard. When I was 24 and had just had my ds2 my Mum became ill. Within 3 weeks of her going downhill she died. My baby was 3 months old and I was already suffering from pnd.

This hit me harder than anything before. I had to leave my kids and go to my Mum, I held her as she died and it was horrific. 3 Years later and I still don't think I have really come to terms with it. My Mum was the only person in the world who really seemed to listen to me and have my best interests at heart. We used to call each other several times a week and she was the first person I would tell news, good or bad sad.

I have been in a bit of a spin since I think, I don't have any friends, just my dp and my distant family. I feel utterly alone in the world, which I am really, the only person I can rely on is myself.

Sorry about your dad and sm 2shoes, I'm not sure if i belong on your thread, but I have vented anyway smile.

solo Sun 21-Nov-10 00:39:10

Hey 2shoes. I'm glad you started this thread...

It's my second Christmas without my wonderful Dad too. I miss him so much and haven't grieved for him yet. I think that losing so many friends and family within such a short space of time took away my ability to grieve. 10 in 11 months. I think I'm numb. I talk to my Dad all the time, but it's not the same. We used to have proper, real conversations. Conversations like I've never known with anyone else ~ ever! and I miss that we talked about everything and nothing! am crying now...need to properly though, let it all out... <sigh>

lilolilmanchester Sun 21-Nov-10 00:57:21

am also glad you started this thread, and sorry that you are missing loved onesxx

My Dad died 14 years ago, it does get easier on a day-to-day basis with time, but then occasionally the grief can jump out of nowhere and grab you. Especially on my birthday, as that is when my lovely Dad left this earth. Wish I'd had MN back then, no-one can take your grief "off" you but helps to be able to post on threads like this.

Christmas is hard - not sure if it would help you but I made a montage of Christmas photos of my Dad - you know, opening presents, wearing silly hat, pulling cracker, falling asleep after lunch etc(and subsequently of PILs who since are no longer with us), to make them part of our Christmas and to remind DCs about them (as they were v. young at the time). I bring thr frame out with the rest of the decorations, not easy to look at some of the time, but quite comforting at others.

solo Sun 21-Nov-10 01:10:14

Thanks lilolil.
What a lovely idea re the photo's too

LilRedWG Sun 21-Nov-10 13:10:38

Well done on starting the thread 2shoes. It's a bit like the introductions at AA meetings on films isn't it? Here I go:

Hi, I'm LilRedWG and last February my Dad died of cancer. Sixteen days later my Mum died of Pneumonia, COPD and a multitude of other things.

Life is hard, I miss them every day but I carry on, as does everyone else on this and the old thread. I'm surrently 27 weeks pregnant and trying to come to terms with Mum and Dad not being here.

I'm so sorry that there are so many others in this position. I'm so sorry for all of your losses.

If this thread is like the last one it'll provide amazing support for every person. Take care.

DrNortherner Sun 21-Nov-10 13:13:03

2nd Christmas without my dad too.

I miss him every single day of my life.

LilRedWG Sun 21-Nov-10 13:16:37

Hi DrN. I agree with everyone that Christmas is tough. Dad's birthday is on Christmas Day too.

mollymax Sun 21-Nov-10 13:39:09

It will be 10 years on the 17th December that my wonderful dad died.
I find preparing for Christmas very difficult every year, as it has so many reminders.
Especiall yputting up the tree.
My thoughts are with those in the same situation.

mumoverseas Sun 21-Nov-10 15:11:31

Thanks for starting this 2shoes <mos waves to all her old friends from the last thread and welcomes all the new ladies, so sorry you have to join us> sad

I'm mumoverseas and I lost my dad just over 6 years ago and my mum in May last year. Mum's death for some reason was 100 times worse than dads, maybe because she was my last surviving parent or that we were closer?
Anyway, it knocked me for six and made me feel very guilty. I've been living abroad for 5 years now and DC4 was born abroad in February last year. It tooka while to get his birth certificate and passport and I talked briefly about returning home around April time but mum talked me out of it (as did DH) and said she would see me in the summer (when I'd planned to return to the UK for 12 weeks) and she would meet her new grandson then.
Mum died 2 weeks before I was due to return, totally unexpectedly.

The last time I saw her was December 2008 when I was in the UK and she stayed with me for a few days. She left on Boxing day, my birthday, and that was the last time I ever saw her. I dread Christmas and my birthdays now, it just doesn't feel right. Last Christmas was awful and I'm hoping for the sake of my DC that this year will be a little better.

Like the rest of you, I'm still struggling and send hugs to you all xxx

TinselinaBumSquash Sun 21-Nov-10 15:13:22

This will be the first Cjristmas without my Mum, she died in April during an Operation, i definatley have a part of me missing now.
I miss her everyday and everything reminds me of her. Christmas is going to be hard.

elliepac Sun 21-Nov-10 15:23:20

How timely that I have found this thread. I haven't got time to write a huge post (in the middle of cooking Sunday lunch) but yesterday was the tenth anniversary of losing my dad to cancer when I was 23. It is really hit me hard this year, in particular when I look at my dc's and know how much dad would have adored them. Mum remarried to a wonderful man but after 6 years he too died of cancer so I feel my dc's have been robbed twice. I am sorry you are all going through this.

ComingDownTheChimmley Sun 21-Nov-10 15:28:16

5th Xmas without my Dad

It's bloody awful, the children are growing up with no real memories of him, just pictures (they were 2 and 4)

We talk of him, a lot, but it's not the same

sad

Love to you all x x x

Rindercella Sun 21-Nov-10 15:31:13

I'm so sorry for everyone who has lost their mother or father. It's so bloody hard.

I lost my lovely father on 12th July this year, so this Christmas will be our first without him. I am so pleased he had the chance to meet our DD2, who was just 3 months old when he died.

Strangely I feel my Dad around me a lot. I don't know why I find this strange actually, as we were very close. But sometimes, for example, when I am driving and there's a load of mud on the road (live in the country), I feel him telling me to slow down and almost that he's giving me a hug to make sure I stay safe. It is very reassuring.

DH was diagnosed with cancer in May and I am just praying that our DDs, who are both so tiny, have the wonderful priviledge of knowing him as I knew my father.

inthesticks Sun 21-Nov-10 16:13:55

My first Christmas without dad who died in May.
My children are old enough to have lovely life long memories of him. Of course they will notice there is someone missing at Christmas.
Much of my time the last few months has been spent supporting mum who has been very hard hit and had loads of health problems.

GrendalsMa Sun 21-Nov-10 21:15:06

This is the first time I've posted on mumsnet as recent joiner but found this thread and very grateful as have felt very lonely at times being a bereaved new mum. My mum was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer 4 days before my 20 week scan back in Feb and died 10 weeks later. Miss her every day and still can't quite believe that she's gone. Also am gutted that she never got to meet my ds especially as she'd given me so much emotional support through several rounds of IVF. One thing that has been a big help though has been the bereavement counselling I was lucky enough to get at my local hospital as it gave me a space to be a grieving daughter as I didn't always feel up to playing the part of thrilled new mum (getting better at it now but still days when I want to stay in & cry and not have to go out with a "brave face" on)

lilolilmanchester Sun 21-Nov-10 21:17:19

inthesticks, I found it harder coping with my Mum's grief at losing her husband than I did coping with my own grief at losing my Dad - which might sound odd but I'd got my head round losing a terminally ill Dad, I hadn't really thought about dealing with my Mum's despair.

I feel for all of you going through Christmas for the first time, it WILL get easier, but that doesn't make things any easier right now, you can't take anyone else's grief or pain away, no matter how much you'd like to. Love to you all xx

lilolilmanchester Sun 21-Nov-10 21:19:32

(GrendalsMa, our posts crossed, can't say anything other than "I know" in response, but just wanted you to know I wasn't ignoring what you wrote, just happened to post at the same time)

Meglet Sun 21-Nov-10 21:28:50

This is my first Xmas without Dad who died in June from prostate cancer.

DS came into my room this morning saying he missed his Grandpops and his Daddy (abusive asshole). The family feels so much smaller these days sad. My dad was a great Grandpops to the DC's and they've lost that now.

I hardly had chance to grieve for him as I was rushing around after the dc's (4yo and 2yo) and started a new job the day after his funeral.

I do wonder if it will hit me on Xmas day when I finally get chance to stop for a few days confused.

aDarkStarWithStrangeWays Sun 21-Nov-10 21:37:10

My mum died when I was 14. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it because she killed herself and as an event it has poisoned her family.

We are a small family and three years ago my only, beloved brother died from cancer.

I do not know how to process these events, but I seem to be good at stumbling on without them both. Can't actually remember much about having a mum (it's been 20 years now) which really guts me. But then sometimes I hit a parenting moment with DS and find I am so desperate to ask her advice and ask what she did with us - even over something as little as fussy toddler eating ffs - but she's not here, because she took herself out of life.

I miss my brother every day, every minute, and feel so angry that he wanted to live so much but wasn't given the choice.

aDarkStarWithStrangeWays Sun 21-Nov-10 21:38:03

'it has poisoned her family' - random non slip, should of course say it has poisoned our family.

lilolilmanchester Sun 21-Nov-10 21:40:31

Meglet, so sorry, how hard for you. You might find Christmas Day hard, if you can, try to find a way to celebrate the lovely times you had with your Dad around Christmas. Yes, it might make you cry but also might make you smile and remember the good times. Re your DCs at Christmas, try to play it by ear... don't be cross or surprised if they don't mourn your Dad at Christmas (kids can be very resilient and/or have their own way with dealing with death), be there if they do miss your Dad (again, don't hold it against them if they don't show it) , and be prepared and comfortable to explain your own tears should it come to that "am crying cos I miss my Dad/your Grandad and we used to love having Christmas together, but that shouldn't stop the meglet family having a lovely time, it's what he'd want" or whatever works for you xx

BCBG Sun 21-Nov-10 21:46:15

My darling Ma died in may 2009. She had been fighting heart failure for a long time but her death (accelerated by a hospital-caused infection) was horrendous: she eventually collapsed and died in my arms. I haven't told any of my family the details of her last night as it is too painful and undignified to recount. I will never regret being there, but I feel such shame and guilt that I wasn't more comforting or that I was so afraid of the vomiting etc (we were on our own all night in her room in a nursing home as the nurses didn't expect her to to die sad) and I miss her every single day that passes. I always believed that life goes on and mow I feel that it is sniffed out. I cannot feel anything and I am certain that if there were an afterlife she would comfort me somehow sad. Mummy I love and miss you so much....

Meglet Sun 21-Nov-10 21:48:25

thank you lilo smile. We are going to a 'service' at the hospice next month when they switch all the xmas lights on. It might be comforting to be with all the other families who have lost someone this year. My stepmum is cracking on with organising Xmas, it should be ok.

anastasia74 Mon 22-Nov-10 10:38:00

Thankyou for starting this thread.

My lovely dad died July 2009. So, this is our second christmas without him.

Not really looking forward to the family celebrations on christmas day as it highlights the fact he is not here.

Our lives are so different without him. He was such a big character and such fun and loved christmas.

He had complications after having a heart bypass. I miss him so much and think about him every single day. He was such a big part of my life and such an inspiration.

I still even now feel tearful quite a lot, life is so different without him and nothing will ever be the same again.

My mum still needs so such support, she is a different person now. so paranoid and frets about everything.

Hugs to everyone who has lost there mum and dad.

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