What to say to very dear friend who has had a miscarriage

(3 Posts)
kenobi Thu 04-Nov-10 15:13:37

I do hope someone here can help me, and I hope posting this here isn't thoughtless or rude, please tell me if it is and I will take the post down.

My friend went to her 12 week scan to discover the embryo's heart had stopped, then had to have a chemical induction. I know all this from her DH who is also a very good friend (I introduced them).
She texted me to say she had mced and I called her back but she wasn't answering her phone. she sent a lovely thank you for me message by text and I I texted her again to say there I was there for her day or night. She has not been in touch since (2 weeks). Should I call/text her again? I don't want to harrass her but I want her to know I am thinking of her.
And if I do talk to her, should I bring it up or wait for her to talk to me?
I have an 11 month old dd, do I talk about her as I would normally or is that thoughtless?
I am very close to her and know her well, but I am a naturally tactless person and my instincts can lead me astray.
I am absolutely heartbroken for her and her DH, she is 37 and the pregnancy was very much wanted.

OP’s posts: |
iloveblue Thu 04-Nov-10 15:26:04

We recently lost our baby at 20 weeks gestation.
My friends have reacted similarly - all text/left messages offering love and support.
It is almost two weeks since and I am just about feeling ready to talk to them about what happened.
I would text her again just to let her know you are thinking of her, maybe tell her a time when you are free so she can phone you if she feels ready.
One thing I would say is when you do talk to her, please don't shy away from talking about what has happened. I know in my case (and everyone else I have spoken to who has experienced a miscarriage has felt the same) I like to talk about my baby and how I am feeling - it helps. It is worse when it is ignored and people are overly cheerful to compensate.
HTH - I hope she is okay.
You sound like a lovely friend.

givingmeaheadache Thu 04-Nov-10 19:13:40

Maybe could send her a little card maybe just saying that you are thinking of her and here for her whenever she is ready.
I thinking bringing it up is fine, but if she changes the subject go with that.
Ask her what you can do to be of help/support and let her guide you.
And don't stop making all mention of your child, but keep it minimal, don't go on about it, and try to talk about other stuff.. and try not to be too upset if she doesn't want to talk about baby stuff. (Is what I would have wanted)
Try to remember the due date (eg send a card saying thinking of you) and stay present, don't run. I am sure it will mean a lot to her.

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