Oversensitive (but can't help it...)

[Bergitte]

Will try to keep this short. Just wanted to check I wasn't the only one who finds some of their (non-bereaved) friends lacking.
To contextualise a bit, I have a Mum who shouted and hollered through my childhood and has left me finding it difficult to trust other women. I do make friends with women but worry a lot about those relationships in a way I never have done with men.
One of my twin boys died at 1 month old suddenly 3 years ago. It was a horrible horrible time but after a couple of months I went along to the clinic with my surviving son and somehow managed to make a few Mum friends.
There were 2 in particular who I got together with a lot. From the start I always toned down my grief around them as we were new mums (plus I wanted to escape tbh) so would put a brave face on a lot of the time. These friendships really helped me to feel less alone locally at an awful time. Having been through fertility tx, a twin pregnancy and cot death I felt like the freak Mum and sharing time with them made me feel more normal.
So far so good... what I'm struggling with is this. I have sometimes talked about my son with these friends and on occasion they've been sweet although as mentioned before I've tried not to be too heavy. I think I may have been expecting some support from them in the past year and there's been very little at crucial times. I went through a second cycle of ICSI last autumn which worked and then I miscarried early on. One of these friends was quite supportive but the other one seemed a bit oblivious. Then when I was taking initial drugs for the 3rd cycle early this year one of them piped up that she was going to start trying for number 2 that month and how excited she was. Even though my cycle failed she told me she thought she was pregnant before she'd even tested (she was!)
I had to be supportive to her during her pregnancy whilst trying to come to termas with the fact that my survivior wasn't going to have another sibling (which ahs been heart breaking).

The past month or so have been really hard as it's my boys' birthday and then a month later it's the anniversary of my son's death. I had my 41st birthday right in the middle which is that anniversary of my boys' coming home. My periods have also started going a bit wonky just to add insult to the no more babies theme.
I mentioned at the beginning of this time that it's tough for us but at no time have either friend mentioned it. a few weeks ago I was really struggling and at the end of mone playdate one of them asked if I was ok, I said no and she said I should ring her later. I texted her to say sorry I was miserable etc and see her soon but got no reply!!
Now they've forgotten my birthday even though it's right in the middle of all this c**p. I was touched at those that did remember as I didn't do anything about it. I'm hurt about these 2 though as we always do something for each other (e.g. cook a meal or go out). Fair enough one of them did have a baby 2 days after it!!! :)

I know I'm possibly being over sensitive but I don't have a sense of normal perspective. I do have other friends too but just really want to feel like a normal Mum and have Mummy friends despite all that 's happened...

Sorry to for talking so much

[Bergitte]

Forgot to add,

I have to work f/t as my DH doesn't earn much. He's been at home with DS. Another reason why it's hard to feel like a proper Mummy and why I've valued the few Mum friends I've managed to make.

Sorry, am feeling sorry for myself today!

[knottyhair]

Hi. Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you've been through something so awful and traumatic. I haven't been through anything like this personally, but the baby daughter of my best friend of 30 years died 4 years ago, a few hours after birth. I don't want to in any way justify your friends' behaviour and they've clearly been thoughtless and a bit self-absorbed. But I'd just say that people often don't know what to do or say in these situations and can as a result do or say completely the wrong thing! My BF had another friend who she was very close to around the time her daughter died, and this friend didn't have a clue how to "be" around her and so chose to cut off all contact! This really hurt my friend (obviously!), and a few years down the line they have sorted it out. But anyway, I digress! No real advice as such for you but I really hope you get support and the time to remember your special boy. There is I think a special thread on here for bereaved mums and I've seen other comments saying how fantastic the posters are on there. I think the title starts "beyond the distant star...".

[travellingwilbury]

Bergitte , I am so sorry , my son died when he was 14mths old and tbh other mums who had children of a similar age seemed to find it the hardest to cope with . I have spoken to them about it and I think a lot of it stems from a guilt/relief that they still have their babies . I am now nearly 9 yrs down this crappy path . Please come and talk to us www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1054593-Beyond-the-distant-star-I-wish-upon-tonight-to-see

[orangeflutie]

Hello again Bergitte sorry I've only just seen your post.

I totally understand what you mean when you say you feel a 'freak mum' and that your friends are not as supportive as they could be. I've found through losing my son that you really learn who your real friends are. Today there are perhaps two friends that I can talk about my son with. Most people change the subject as I'm sure you've found or simply don't know what to say. Cot Death is quite a taboo subject aswell, especially for new mums who I think feel that it might be 'catching' if they discuss it and also really don't want to imagine the horror or the possibility it could happen to them. I honestly can't say that if it hadn't happened to me whether I would've been the same.

Is there a doctor or someone from 'The Foundation for the Study of Cot Deaths (FSID) you could have a chat with? I find I don't get much chance to talk about 'James' but often you can chat to a 'befriender' and FSID often organise family days out. After only three years and no other DCs despite your best efforts, it must be so hard for you:(

I actually don't know how I've got through the last twelve years. I've been lucky enough to have three dds and have largely focussed on them but the pain never really goes away, you just have to find a way of managing it. I'm sure some people I know think I'm cold at times because I've got so used to putting a 'face on'. How does your DH manage? Mine has found it really difficult as most men are supposed to just 'get on with it'. They're not supposed to talk about feelings are they?

I really feel for you as November is looming. I live in West Sussex. Do you live anywhere near me? You can PM me if you like. HTH Take care x

[orangeflutie]

Hi Bergitte

How are you doing? Hope you're ok x