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My dearest friend's mum has died. How can I best support him?(3 Posts)
I have a fantastic friend whose mum died today after a long battle with a horrible illness. I don't want to be too specific as it feels strange to be posting about someone else's grief.
He has been there for me through thick and thin, listened to my (frankly patheticcompared to this) woes, picked me up off the floor etc. What I am trying to say is that he has been a fabulous friend.
We no longer live close to each other and he has understandably said he is not up to talking.
He is single and does not have many friends close by. I only mention this to explain that he doesn't have a partner to help him through this.
I want to help him, to take away some of his pain but he has asked for space and I realise this is about him obviously and not me and I must respect that. I feel. he is a person who bottles his feelings up and doesnnnnn ask for help very easily.
Can anyone help me by suggesting how I can be a good friend without interfering?
My mother died five years ago, something that is still very raw for me as she was my best friend, like your friends mother, after a long illness.
The worst thing for me was when people didn't and still don't talk about her - like she just didn't exsist. Even immediately after her loss, they wouldn't speak about her. I found this so hurtful - I didn't really want to talk either but wanted to be able to mention her name with people looking emabarrassed and looking away. Grief is such a dreadful complex thing and the best thing I think you can do for your friend is let him know you are there for him - send a card or flowers - some kind of gesture that demonstrates your shoulder for him should he need it.
Not everyone wants to open up, that will be up to him. It is very early for him in his grief. Hope this helps
These sorts of threads always bring a lump to my throat.
Hippohead, I would say be lead by your friend. If he needs time alone then let him...BUT be sure that he knows if or when he wants to talk then you are always available. I would probably make the offer of an ear/shoulder, etc, very gently but on a relatively regular basis. IMO, people that don't want to talk at the beginning but who do later on then find that people stop offering support because they think the person is coping.
Hope this makes sense and that it maybe helps. xx