Am I being insensitive regarding my friends new partner

(15 Posts)
GColdtimer Thu 16-Sep-10 21:24:15

I hope this is the right place to post, I am just in a bit of a quandry. My best friend lost her DH nearly 3 years ago. She has since met someone else and is expected a baby in February. Her new partner is utterly lovely, although I have only met him a couple of times (she moved to another part of the country to be with him).

Now, my DH is in a band and I am organising a charity gig for November time. I thought it would be nice to do it memory of my friend as the date coincides with when he passed away (and he loved music and loved seeing my DH play). I talked to my friend (his widow) who thought it was a lovely idea. I reassured her it would be low key and not a big memorial - just more a reason to have a party, make some money and remember a good friend. No speeches, no photos of him around the place, just a line on the invitation that any money raised would go to charity x in memory of him and probably a song dedicated to him. My friend (his widow) was absolutely fine.

So, I sent out a note to a lot of my friends today to tell them about it and one of them called me to say she thought it was a terrible idea and that I was being utterly insensitive to our mutual friend's new partner.

So am I?

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natz23 Thu 16-Sep-10 21:36:07

off course not!!!! she lost her DH they didnt split up, i would recon her new partner would be completley understanding of this, and its a lovely idea, so thoughtful. your friend is talking rubbish! her husband that she lost may not be here or part of her life anymore but that should never mean hes forgotten, x

GColdtimer Thu 16-Sep-10 21:44:35

That is exactly what I thought natz, but my friend really threw me and had me worried that I had gone barralling in there, completely oblivious to other people's feelings. And as well as being a husband he was an uncle, a brother, a friend, a valued work colleague to many people who still miss him.

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natz23 Thu 16-Sep-10 21:49:33

well thats just it, everyone misses him and still loves him, so what are you to do? pretend he didnt exist to spare the feelings of one stupid woman? sorry but thats what she is if she thinks this is a bad idea, your friend whos husband it was died thinks its a good idea, so who cares what the other woman thinks.
what you are doing is a wonderful thing, i would go right ahead and keep planning it.
ignore her reaction to it, she clearly hasnt thought about what shes saying.x

ConnorTraceptive Thu 16-Sep-10 21:53:03

Well he wasn't just someone's DH was he? He was a friend, a son, a grandson, a colleague etc so a gig in his memory is perfectly fine and a lovely thing to do.

GColdtimer Thu 16-Sep-10 21:53:19

thanks natz, she can be a bit of a loon to be honest!

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natz23 Thu 16-Sep-10 21:54:28

lol could explain it then, good luck with it all, hope it goes well. your a great friend wink x

GColdtimer Thu 16-Sep-10 21:55:12

Thank you smile

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ravenAK Thu 16-Sep-10 22:01:55

I'm a widow - I'd love it if someone did this.

& I know dh2 would have absolutely no problem with it. He's a musician, as was dh1 (I seem to be strangely drawn to them), & his band have played one of dh1's songs live a few times.

Other friend is definitely being a loon.

GColdtimer Fri 17-Sep-10 07:48:15

thanks Raven

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Hopeoverexperience Fri 17-Sep-10 09:39:07

I too am a widow and think you're doing a lovely thing. You have spoken to your best friend and she is happy - her new husband if he is as lovely as you say I'm sure will understand. Her first husband and his memory are no threat to him. I think when you marry again having been widowed your new partner has to understand that your previous husband/wife will ALWAYS have a special and unique place in your heart.
Good luck with the evening - I hope it is a real

Lemonylemon Fri 17-Sep-10 09:56:36

I'm a widow too and I agree it's a lovely thing to do. Your friend's new partner knows the score and I'm sure he won't feel threatened by this - it goes with the territory.....

I hope the evening goes well.

onlyjoking9329 Sun 19-Sep-10 09:22:42

Sounds like a good thing to do,
Anyone entering into a relationship with a widow should understand that the person who died is always going to be part of their lives, more so if they had children. Good luck with the charity do.

some people think when someone dies and a new partner comes along then they should almost forget someone died, like it doesn't count anymore so it's best not to mention it, maybe that's how she sees it.

DadInsteadofMum Mon 20-Sep-10 16:19:27

Just to add my voice to the chorus of widow(er)s telling you are doing the right thing. And as ever OJ has it spot on, I would have though if new partner has established a stronng relationship with your friend then he will fully understand what an important part of her life her DH still is.

GColdtimer Tue 21-Sep-10 20:12:47

Thanks for taking the time to reassure me everyone. My friend has said that both her and her partner are looking forward to it and I have had nothing but positive feedback from everyone (apart from my loony friend!).

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