10 years on - still missing my mum

(12 Posts)
PDog Fri 30-Jul-10 14:51:07

My mum died suddenly 10 years ago today.

I still miss her dreadfully, even more so since I had my DD in December. I feel like I am not 'allowed' to remember her; that because it is 10 years, everyone expects me to have gotten over it. I will never get over it, although I have learnt to live with it.

I have no-one to talk with about her. My dad has remarried and I don't live near to my brother. I feel like everyone has forgotten her; like I can't talk about her or feel sad. I don't feel sad all the time btw, just on days like today or when DD does something new/worries me and I have no mum to ask for advice.

Just needed to get this off my chest and have a little cry while DD is napping.

OP’s posts: |
whitecloud Fri 30-Jul-10 17:43:24

PDog - my Mum died two years ago. Grief is so lonely - think having your dd is making you miss your Mum more. My dd is 15 - I felt terrible when she went away on a school trip - cried - because I always used to ring my Mum for reassurance at times like that. Dd has come back having enjoyed herself but said she missed me. It came to me that you miss your Mum so much because she loves you so deeply and is always on your side.

Once you get further from a bereavement I think people do feel you should be "over" it, especially if they haven't been through similar. I think you go round in circles and we are not helped by the fact that our society is so bad at acknowledging and dealing with grief. What you feel is what you feel - the closer you were to your Mum the worse it is, I think. You are right, you never get over needing them. Am thinking of you and hope this helps.

cheesypopfan Fri 30-Jul-10 17:55:33

my mum died 14 years ago and I still miss her like crazy at times. It's perfectly normal, particularly after the birth of a child. I really felt it after the birth of my three - how much I wanted my mum to see them etc etc. I'm sorry you are feeling it today. In years to come, you will be able to share your lovely memories of your mum with your children - I do this and, although it does upset me at times, it also helps me to express how much she meant and still means to me.

PDog Fri 30-Jul-10 20:17:01

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. My mum was the heart of our family and I often find myself wondering how things would be if she were still alive. She would have been a brilliant grandma (tbh maybe a bit overbearing at times smile) and I can't help but feel that my DD is missing out. My dad isn't that bothered and MIL doesn't make much effort.

I will cherish the memories I have so I can tell my DD all about her grandma when she is old enough.

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arabellaandbaby Mon 02-Aug-10 11:24:51

I lost my dear mum four weeks ago and I only gave birth to DD 5 months ago. DD was her first grandchild. I miss Mum like crazy too and still can't get over it. I don't think I ever will for the rest of my life. It hurts so badly especially knowing that my Mum really wanted to watch her granddaughter have her first Xmas and celebrate her first birthday, and watch her grow up. She was denied the opportunity of experiencing all these exciting times. I miss her so much as there are some things I would only ever talk to my Mum about. I feel so, so lost, and doubt I will ever come to terms with her passing.

isthatporridgeinyourhair Mon 02-Aug-10 11:45:27

I lost my fantastic mum suddenly 2.5 years ago. I don't have that constant aching grief that I experienced just after her death but I still miss her everyday. Even though I'm close to my family, a mum is irreplaceable. Anyway I feel that as long as we remember her then she is still alive, iykwim?

PDog Tue 03-Aug-10 09:52:03

So sorry for your loss arabella.

Thanks for the words of support porridge, I agree that it does get easier with time; you don't miss her any less, it just becomes easier to live with.

I just find it hard that my immediate family don't seem to want to remember her and therefore I feel very uncomfortable speaking about her with them. Particularly now I have my DD, she is never far from my thoughts.

arabella it is not easy buy it does get easier. Great advice here from cheesypop and porridge - take comfort in your memories and share them with your DD.

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carocaro Tue 03-Aug-10 10:16:16

I know just what you feel.

I was in the car park at Ikea only last night crying about my Dad who died 12 years ago. I bought some shelves for my boys rooms and Dad was a carpenter and he would have had them put up so fast and done such a good job and I could really see him in their rooms laughing and joking with them.

I just he had met my boys.

It some gets you sometimes, right in the heart.

I hear you. HUGS AND HUGS AND HUGS.

arabellaandbaby Tue 03-Aug-10 11:12:56

PDog, thanks. Just when I thought I'd cried all I could, last night, I cried myself to sleep thinking about my mum and the fact that there will be no more happy memories to create with her. That is what makes me even more inconsolable.

I keep wishing the past few weeks have been part of a very bad dream, and that I will wake up. I actually had a dream a few nights ago that my mum hadn't passed away at all, she had come back fit and healthy, and she said everyone was fussing over nothing. Then I woke up and cried. It could only ever be a dream. She is never coming back.

I'm sorry that you are grieving too. I don't think there is a deadline by which you can stop grieving for a loved one. I think I'll continue to grieve for the rest of my life.

cheesypop and porridge are right. We should cling on to and share the happy memories and then our loved ones will be forever by our sides.

isthatporridgeinyourhair Tue 03-Aug-10 12:03:02

Arabella - I'm so sorry about your mum. 4 weeks is still so soon and it is so hard.

I had similiar dreams too. sad

You will get to a point where you can open your box of memories about your mum and it doesn't make you cry (well, not all of the time anyway)and that is a great comfort. There will always be a a mum shaped hole in my life but you learn to live with it, I think.

PDog - what was you mum like?

PDog Wed 04-Aug-10 09:08:43

She was very practical and down to earth, she didn't like a fuss and didn't make a fuss - she just got on with things.

She never seemed to panic over anything so was great at giving advice.

She loved gardening and holidays in the sun (although she always sat in the shade).

She made the best roast with fab yorkshire puds and gravy.

She loved her parents; we were the only grandchildren my GPs saw every week.

She gave great cuddles and used to call me lovely girl.

She worked for the NHS in the physio department of a school for disabled children.

She was strong and brave - she battled with my grandma over not getting us christened because she believed we had the right to choose our own religion (a big deal then).

She went back to school when we were older and did her GCSE's, then studied for a diploma through the OU.

When we were younger, we used to swim for a club so mum trained as a life guard and the swimming teacher so she could help out.

She was an atheist but respected others' views.

She thought the world of my DH (we didn't marry until after she died) and I like to think she knows I am well looked after.

She was a good sister; the one they all came to for advice.

She loved being an auntie and would have adored her granddaughters (my DD and my 3 DN).

Thank you so much Porridge, this was just what I needed and has made me smile rather than cry smile

OP’s posts: |
isthatporridgeinyourhair Wed 04-Aug-10 10:02:40

She sounds wonderful PDog. All that she was is not wiped out by death. She lives on in you and your memories of her. smile

Beautiful, beautiful DD btw.

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