just caught my children bullying a neighbour--advice please

[motherearth]

Hi
I suppose i just want someone to make me feel a bit better than the absolute s**t of a parent i feel right now.
We have just found a neighbour (known grump ! )walking a boy (13/14 ) home rather briskly.He had my 2 dds (9 and 12 ) in tow, and the lad was sobbing.Apparrently my dds had used (HIS ) stones to throw at the older boy and made him cry by not allowing him past to go home.The poor lad was really upset.
We have marched our dds next door, having literally dragged my eldest to the front door, and made them apologise to the boy and his parents.Apparently its not the first time.We have gone totally beserk and grounded them and yelled like we have never done befor.I told them how devastated we are and the elder one seems more concerned with lying herself out of the situation.Dd 1 is im pleased to say as upset as us and very remorseful.I am so upset to think that my children could upset another child so much.I am embarressed also.My eldest dd was bullied big time at primary-is she turning into a bully? Can anyone please say anything positive to make me feel like i can learn from this. how should we have reacted, and how should we handle it in the cold light of day tomorrow ?
Sorry its so long.

[Socci]

Message withdrawn

[fqueenzebra]

Sounds like you have handled it as well as anybody can. I would think, over next few days, keep reminding your children of why what they did was wrong. And I'd look the bullied boy up personally and tell him again (without your DD's present) how sorry you are about what happened, that if it ever happesn again you want him to come straight to you & tell you. Not that it's likely to happen again, but it's so incredibly valuable to kids/teens that adults take them seriously, acknowledge it when something bad (esp. something unjust) happens to them.

Saying all that as someone who was bullied myself as a child, and as a parent who finds that kids are often so keen to talk to me -- keen to talk to any adult, really.

You could think about some other means by which your DD's could make further amends, but that could backfire, be overkill. I don't know how often this happened before, whether further amends by your DDs would make it worse if the victim felt like "too much" fuss was being made. Victims hate the fact that they can't stand up for themselves, he doesn't want to be reminded of that.

[motherearth]

Thank you for that.
I think i will maybe ask the other mums in our close also if they have ever had any problem with the girls-i always thought thet were pretty good, not angels, but i cant believe they did this.I might ask them both to write something down tomorrow about what exacly happened just so they think about their actions some more.

[Janh]

What do you mean by HIS stones, me? He was carrying them around? If so, why?

[motherearth]

Our other close neighbour who walked the boy home was more concerned about the stones which were from the edging around his lawn (his pride and joy).He was more concerned about his new stones than the poor lad !

[Janh]

Oh the neighbour's stones! Sorry, thought you meant the boy's stones, I was wondering why he was carrying stones.

I am as flummoxed as you then, me, and I would have reacted like you (even more so, probably). How did his parents take it? It's sort of sweet that he cried rather than retaliating, but v unusual - does he have learning difficulties or something?

Did DD1 say why they did it? (Although I guess you're more likely to get facts from DD2.) I like zebra's idea about checking with him.

Sympathy anyway.

[Littlestarsweeper]

Yep looks ok to me.

[Littlestarsweeper]

I mean the punishment for the crime.

[motherearth]

Thanks again.
No he doesnt have any learning difficulties that i know,although my husband does find it hard to understand why a 14year old lad was too frightened to walk 10 yards past 2 girls 9 and 12 to his front door.Pebbles or not he was happy enough to play cards on the front lawn with them for 3 hours !I wonder sometimes though because we have lived here just over a year and they live in a bungalow next door.I have NEVER and i mean NEVER seen any of the curtains open.Its like nobody lives there except when this boy comes out to play on the lawn sometimes.They wont even answer the door if anyone takes a parcel for them-you have to leave it anyway on the step.Ive never seen the boy play with a friend or go anywhere except school-perhaps he has got some issues there.Anyway.Thanks for your thoughts and kind comments on how we handled it ect.Its still awful to think about it but i am putting into context now thanks to mumsnet !
I think i have a few issues to deal with dd1-she lies so much and i dont know why .Has always been the same-she would rather get into terrible trouble than ever come out with the truth