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My dd thinks that just because no-one hits her........

(22 Posts)
katymac Thu 11-Aug-05 07:43:16

she isn't being bullied. She can't understand that being repeated told she is ugly and being either excluded from games or told if she doesn't do as she is told, the teacher will tell her off is being bullied.

She is 7 is there anything I can do to help her?

jabberwocky Thu 11-Aug-05 08:03:44

Longer thread in progress here katymac. HTH

katymac Thu 11-Aug-05 20:00:02


bigdonna Thu 11-Aug-05 21:49:03

can you encourage her to make new friends!

katymac Thu 11-Aug-05 21:54:44

There are only 3 girls in her year and only about 8 in her class.....I am working on it tho'

Blu Thu 11-Aug-05 21:56:45

katymac - have you posted about this on another thread? What is happening to her, and in what ways are they picking on her? Does she need an exact definition? If she's not happy with the way she is treated, it doesn't matter what it is called, it matters that it's happening.

Poor her, poor you.

katymac Thu 11-Aug-05 22:05:25

Yes, Blu, I have on lots (I'm trying to get lots of views on it)

It's all about power I think, but the child is using race as a weapon, without any understanding of the upset she is causing.

DD has said that she doesn't like the way this girl talks to her - but that she is dd's friend - so if she is nasty or mean it doesn't matter

bigdonna Fri 12-Aug-05 12:07:17

at my kids school they are very good about teaching the kids what racism is last term they designed a leaflet about saying no to racism they have also done one on bullying.they are big on not calling anyone any names your dd a small ds has about 16 girls in his class and 14 boys.

MarsLady Fri 12-Aug-05 12:10:26

katymac, I haven't forgotten you and my promise. One more week of madness and I'll send the book okay?

I'm off to Britanny for a few days next week and when I'm back I'll be settling back down to normality and will sort my paperwork, parcels, getting ready for school etc.

bigdonna Fri 12-Aug-05 12:13:36

these girls need to be told how upsetting it is for your dd.How about inviting them for tea and you having a little word or just talk about people being nasty in general,and how beautiful your dd does not matter how old they are they need to know racism is not acceptable.i grew up with only 1 black child in a school of 800.i have taught my kids its whats inside not on the outside.i would be really upset if i heard my kids being horrible to anyone about their colour of their skin.

MarsLady Fri 12-Aug-05 12:16:36

you'll have to remind me km, have you had any conversation with the child's parents? And what do they say at school?

katymac Fri 12-Aug-05 20:49:27

Marslady - Well I hadn't connected it all before, but at the end of last term, I had been discussing sending DD to a child or educational psychologist. The parent of this child (and her best friend) were absolutely certain that I shouldn't, it was a bad idea, it would all blow over in the new term etc.
Then I was round there for a cuppa last week and she told me 'confidentially' (implying that she knew because she was a gouvenor) that there had been some racist remarks made by a 'child' and that this child had been punished and had a good talking to and tat the school were very sure it wouldn't happen again.

Then DD told me and her cousins all about it at a party on Saturday, so I'm adding 2 and 2 and getting 55 never mind 5!

BigDonna - it's a very small school with only 60 pupils between 4 and 11

MarsLady Fri 12-Aug-05 20:52:16

I think that you need to have a talk with the school. This is not the sort of thing that should be kept from you. Maybe the other child's name, but not what has been happening to your child.

I'm rather cross about that!

Talk to the Head and find out what their policy on racism is. Also find out what they have put in place to protect your child. Also tell them you would like to know what they, the school, have said to your daughter.

katymac Fri 12-Aug-05 20:55:12

Yes but Marslady - I'm not sure the school does know, I think she just implied that. I think she found out it was her dd that was being nasty and she has given her a right telling off and she is hoping I will go no further.....of course I'm going to take it to the school (but without naming names) in writing.

MarsLady Fri 12-Aug-05 21:00:45


katymac Sat 13-Aug-05 21:55:45

I'm really cr*p at letters...but this is my start

Dear Mr XXX,

Following our discussions about DD’s behaviour and attitude at the end of last term, along with my discussions with my daughter over the summer holidays, I am able to make some statements. These are

· DD feels that she is ugly, stupid, bad and naughty. Mainly (according to her) because she is brown.
· She now, (after extensive discussions) has accepted that ‘brown’ people can be beautiful, but wants to know why someone would call her ugly, if she isn’t.
· She knows (without being told) that ‘brown’ people are not bad, because her cousins are not ’bad’.
· She feels that she isn’t stupid because she reads a lot and books have lots of information in them, even ‘baby books’
· She says she is however naughty, because she doesn’t do as she is told. I have explained that she only needs to do what grown-ups say, but she says she must ‘obey’ her friends.
· She emphatically denys that she is being bullied, but cannot answer when I suggest that saying she is ugly or bad, or having to ‘obey’ her friends might be bullying.

I am concerned that at school, there is someone undermining her, by criticising her racial heritage.

Her behaviour over the holidays has been extremely good, but I am concerned as she is worried about returning to school.

At home we are trying to build her confidence by creating a scrapbook with pictures of predominantly mixed race people, along with other confidence boosting activities.

but it all sounds a bit disjointed and out of order....what does anyone think?

AND I don't know what I'm actually asking the school to do either

wishingchair Mon 15-Aug-05 13:29:08

Hi - just wanted to say I think the letter is not disjointed at all - to the point and clear. I think you should just end to say "please can we arrange a time in the next xx weeks when I can meet with you to discuss this situation", and leave it at that.

Hope you get it sorted out.

katymac Mon 15-Aug-05 15:18:03

Thanks WishingChair, I'm still amending and altering, so I appreciate your suggestions. It's a very hard letter to write

Blu Mon 15-Aug-05 15:28:56

KatyMac - sorry, I missed the 'whole picture' : is this part of not thinking she could be a princess etc?

I think your letter is really good. It is very clear, and whilst not holding back on important points, doesn't go mad 'pointing the finger', iyswim. The school certainly need to get a handle on the whole thing, don't they?

I think you might need to look for another way to talk to your daughter about it - it doesn't really matter whether she calls it bulying - if you can get her to identify that any behaviour which makes her feel as if everyone else is moe important, or 'better' or makes her feel 'small' is BAD unkind behaviour.

Did you see one of those video programmes made by kids last week? there was a little mixed-race girl who was amazed, and visibly grew in size in screen, when her Dad told her he thought 'brown' was more beautiful than white - because he had fallen in love with her Mum. She had assumed that even her own dad would find Britney more attractive than asian women.

crumpet Mon 15-Aug-05 15:36:54

Could you add in the letter that you want to discuss with the school the reasons why she is thinking this way, as you are concerned that this is emanating from other children in the school rather than from anything in her home environment. I haven't read previous threads on this, but I think it would be good to say this clearly in writing in case you need to refer to it at a later stage. HTH

Poor love - I remember feeling so insecure at school, but for me that was beceause we moved around so much that I was always the new girl and everyone already had long standing friendships

crumpet Mon 15-Aug-05 15:37:39

I think I misread your letter - you do say this already - sorry!

katymac Wed 17-Aug-05 22:05:35

Thanks Blu, I am working on it with DD, but it takes time

Crumpet - I understand where you are coming from it isn't perfected yet - it does need to be clearer

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