Help!

[AnotherHelen]

I have posted about this before, but i still find myself in trouble! My 5 year old is driving me bonkers! he is soo naughty, i find myself constantly asking him to not throw his toys, not smack his little brother, not run around his bedroom screaming and shouting at 6am!! he says quite sincerely 'no i wont' or 'i will be good mummy and i wont smack may jakey' as soon as i turn my back hes chucking ALL his toys around, smacking his brother again and every single morning, almost the second he opens his eyes, he's jumping around his room, turns his tv volume up so its blasting out! - he just has no care or respect for others at all! i know he is only 5 but even at 5 he should have at least a little respect for others! he has had alot of trouble at school also, his teacher has told me the main problem is if they ask him to do something he doesnt want to do - he just flat out refuses and kicks and screams the place down, or if he's decided he wants to do something and he is not allowed - they get the same reaction! he simply has no care for authority no matter where it comes from, and i have got up this morning to find he has messed his room up and is sat slapping his little brother accross the face!!!! i have just finally lost it and told him he is a horrible little boy and i dont want to see him anymore, i shut his bedroom door and told him he canstay there all day! - obviously i wont leave him there all day, but i really cant bear the thought of bringing him down as he will just start again straight away, i have no means of disciplining him anymore - i have tried everything! he just does what he wants when he wants no matter what and i can honestly say im so completley at my wits end, i have got to the point where i cant invite my friends and there children round anymore as he just kicks off!! im so depressed with it all! i would appreciate anyones ideas or insight into what i might be doing wrong at all! Sorry its such a long rant!
Helen xxxxx

[mrsmoons]

Hello Helen, I'm new to mumsnet, but your post struck a chord with me. My 4.5yr old boy was a real strongwilled little 'individual' from 8 months! We were thrown out of so many toddler groups, I spent my life in tears. I have an older boy (7) who is very gentle and non agressive, I am a pretty gentle person so is dh etc and my wee one was off the wall, noisy, agressive, violent. Tho to be fair, he would never START trouble, but just had VERY clear ideas about personal space/boundaries etc and whereas most kids will cry if another child grabs a toy, my lad would go ballistically violent!
Evry child is so different and I bet you are not doing anything 'wrong'. The whole nuture/nature debate went to pot with me, as I had seemingly done a 'good' job on one child and a 'bad' job on another, despite bringing them both up the same. When you say you've tried evrything - what have you tried? I only ask, because in my exp, the turning point was realising that we couldn't change things overnight. Everything has been 'babysteps'. It has taken a year to turn him into a reasonably civilised boy. he will never 'grow out' of his vile trigger temper, we have had to teach him basic anger management - which is asking a lot of kids this age. We also went a bundle on positive parenting techniques. there are zillions of books out there, mostly all agreeing that you have to big up the good behaviour as much as possible. This might be something as simple as saying sorry nicely! One-to-one attention is also a help, doing something without the other sib for an hour can have a warm glow effect for several hours afterwards. Consistancy of approach is another huge factor. My health visitor also pointed me in the direction of a local positive parenting group which was amazing. I don't know about you, but I felt very alone, and lost a few friends over his behaviour (It's devastating to me, when people don't like my kids!)
i still dread soft play places etc, as I am always on edge waiting for the next incident to happen - even though they a few and far between now.
The other thing to look into is any patterns of behavioural problems. Is he randomly 'naughty' or are there trigger points/flashpoints which you can note and come up with strategies to deal with? Food allergies/dietary links?
I'm really sorry not to have any 'magic' solutions, and I hope my ideas aren't teaching grandmothers to suck eggs
The important thing is don't give up!
Best of luck and good wishes
x

[Donbean]

You are my future!
My ds is on his way to this....so im bumping this up for advice as i need a plan of action because this is coming for us......

[AnotherHelen]

Thankyou mrsmoons for your help, its good to know im not on my own! as far as things ive tried: star charts, focusing on good behavior - ignoring bad behavior, time-outs, etc... nothing works, to be honest, the best way i can describe my son is as if he was born a little old man, he doesnt do your typical roll around scream and shout, tantrum throwing, its as if he is constantly bored all the time, and alot of it is attention seeking, but we are a very active family we go out alot for walks and we have a very large family so there is always something going on, my second son who is 2.5 is a little monkey and would easily give bart simpson a run for his money, but he is far more easily distracted, a time out will work for him, if not a toy taken away for 5 minutes and a 'thats naughty jakey' works, he probably will give people troouble from time to time at school but he is so fun and amusing with it and so very easily distracted from whatever the source of trouble is i cant imagine him ever being the problem my older son is (i know that sounds quite mean ) my eldest just seems to find life boring and unfair - at 5!!!! i am at a loss to know what to do anymore! donbeam - me too! id love a plan of action! he's going through puberty at 5 i think!! xxx

[mrsmoons]

ooh, funny you mention hormones - i read somewhere that boys have a huge rush of testosterone round about the age of 4 which is 2nd only to puberty, hence little boys aged 4-5 becoming 'uncharacteristically' agressive, competitive and (even more!) full of energy. Explains a lot actually.
I was thinking as well Helen, is your 5-yr-old very bright? Cos that can often lead to major behavioural problems as they struggle with big thoughts trapped in the confines of a wee person's body and its capability? He's probably got an iq the size of a planet.
I know what you mean about comparing the two of them - I think that's natural. Though at the moment I'm having wierd role reversal cos my little devil is being totally gorgeous these days (in between the temper outbursts) and my 'easier' older one is entering puberty aged 7 (at least i know what to expect in 7 years time - I've never seen teenage sulks like the ones the 7-yr-old is throwing at the moment....) If anyone finds a manual for small boys, pass it my way
x

[wino2]

There is a book out there called 'Raising Boys'.(I think Mothercare stock it ). It's a bit American and don't really know if it works because I havent tried. My four year old is also very aggresive at the moment. He charges round growling and flexing his muscles; the idea of a testosterone rush at this age really seems to fit with the way he is at the moment!

[mrsmoons]

Actually Wino2 it was that book which I read about the testosterone thingy! I agree some of it is a little 'american' but most of it seems to make sense. My eldest is 7.5 so not all appropriate to our family, but sure it will be...Even my hubby read some of it (which is a miracle as he doesn't usually read anything whcih doesn't have aliens or hobbits in it
Sorry, got way off track there...