Mum never takes her ds out?

[Louise1970]

My old antenatal friend has just called to see how i am doing. Then we discussed how she is doing with her ds1 21 month old and her dd2 3 months old. She is still claiming that she still does not ever take them out. They play in the garden or go to the childminders for 6 hours a week. Only doing shopping with him 1 a month. I take my children out every day to playgroups amd activites. My children are the same age. She says that she does not want to be running around all day to various activities with them. Will her children develop as well as those who mix early and see how to interact and play with various toys. When ever i see her children at her home, they really are well behaved and great mannors, loving, doesn't throw tantrums in front of other people. he really is text book stuff. Obviously he has his moments when we all go home. But my ds1 is always doing the above. Hmmmm!! Can i have your views on what you think the difference is.....

[colditz]

I think toddlers, especially boys, can become overstimulated. I don't believe that they need to have set activities every day, and I believe that until they are about 4, an interested, loving parent and a safe environment is fine.

[GetOrlaithOut]

Me too - I'm with colditz. Far too much stress about entertaining children 24 hours a day. I don't think it matters.

[Jimjams]

ds2 didn't go out much- and ds3 isn't going out that much. They have an elder autistic brother so it is hard to go out, and impossible when all 3 of them are with me. I put ds2 into nursery at 2 because I felt he needed to mix with NT children (when we do go out we tend to go to friends who have autistic children as well and he was getting some strange habits). So he started going 2 mornings a week.

I did a lot of activities with ds1. Not sure there's much difference when they're little.

DS2 (now 3 and a half) is sociable, getting on well at nursery, has some good friends (including a "best" friend from nursery who he adores). I don't think its made much difference to him. Not in a negative way anyway.

[wordsmith]

I agree. I hate toddler groups and 'activities'. I like taking my kids to the park and seeing the ducks, but don't do it enough. However, they do/did got to day nursery 2 days a week so get the stimulation from other kids there. I do wish i had spent more 'downtime' with DS1 when he was younger - I got swept up into activities all the time (that neither of us realy enjoyed) and didn't spend a lot of time just 'being'. As a 5 year old now he's very poor at entertaining himself when alone (unless it's watching TV ).

[Lonelymum]

Agree with Colditz. I have never really been into these toddler groups, Tumbletots, etc but gave them a go with ds1. When I had my other children, I didn't bother anymore. I can honestly say I don't think my children have missed out on anything. The only one with any difficulties socially was ds1 who had had the "benefit" of toddler groups/swimming etc. Even he seems to be over his difficulties now.

I think these activities are more beneficial to the parents who don't want to be cooped up in the house all day every day. They are the ones who talk to the other parents after all. A baby doesn't talk to another baby!

As long as your friend is looking after her children, clothing them, feeding them, giving them things to do at home, I am sure they will be fine.

[Nbg]

I don't take dd out everyday mainly down to the fact that I don't drive and there's very few things for children of her age to do in our area.

I don't think this has had any impact on her developmentaly. Like Colditz said an interested, loving parent and safe enviroment is paramount.


Could it be that your friend is struggling now she has her new baby? My dd is the same age as her ds and the thought of me having a baby as well blows my mind!

[wordsmith]

...and my mum used to say, with 3 kids under 4 in the 1960's, with no car, cloth nappies, no double or triple buggies, no organised toddler groups, that she never went out with us! I remember playgroup when I was about 3 but before then apparently we just stayed in - going out was too much hassle!

[SenoraPostrophe]

i went out very little when the babs were that age. they haven't suffered.

[marthamoo]

I think you can do too much - and also that you know your own child best. I've posted today on the selective mutism thread about ds1 - I forced myself to take him to toddler groups etc. for such a long time because people said it was the "right" thing to do. Eventually I realised that he was getting nothing out of it, was happier at home, and that I didn't need the stress.

I also have serious doubts about how much learning to mix, playing with and actual interaction they do at 21 and 3 months. Learning to play with, as opposed to alongside, other children is something that happens with most kids at around age 3.

[snafu]

I think learning to entertain themselves is incredibly important. I do take ds to two activities a week, but that's only two hours out of the whole week and the rest is spent just doing 'stuff' around the house etc. We wander round to the shops most days, feed the ducks, run around the garden, water the plants, read, draw, watch tv and so on, but none of it is structured. I definitely agree toddlers can get overstimulated very easily.

He'll be going to a childminder from Sept so it will be interesting to see what happens then. But tbh, I really can't be arsed with all this faffing around with groups and 'interaction'. As long as the kids aren't locked in a darkened room all day, they'll probably turn out just fine!

[QueenEagle]

I think there's far too much expectation on parents to do lots of things with their kids and if they don't, then parents feel guilty becasse they think they are depriving them in some way.

Agree with what others have said already that as long as you are interested in what your child is doing and interacting with them on a daily basis, whether it be them "helping" with housework or doing puzzles and colourings and reading with them, all will be well.

Most days my 2 youngest just tag along with whatever I am doing and giving them puzzles or a few toys seems to be just enough to keep them from pulling at my leg all day. They seem to be doing ok by it so far.

[Bozza]

Well my kids would not be happy. They love being out. After tea last night DD (14 months) was trying to put her own cardigan on and deposited DS's trainers in his lap. She was making her desires pretty clear! So since it was already 6.30 we took my neighbour her sunglasses back that she'd left. I would imagine it depends on the individual child though.

[soapbox]

I wouldn't be at all worried about the child but I would be very worried indeed about the mother!

I can't imagine the horror of being indoors all day every day with young children.

Is she depressed????

[snafu]

Don't get me wrong, ds loves being out and about and he does enjoy the groups we do go to. I think the issue here is toddler groups etc and the idea that we must constantly be stimulating our children in structured 'official' environments.

If ds and I go to the supermarket, I get him to help me pick and pack the fruit, or get things off the shelf for me, or whatever. He's learning just as much there - and interacting with just as many people - as at tumbletots.

[ediemay]

I agree, there is too much pressure to go here, there and everywhere all the time and it can all get hysterical. I think toddlers need to have quiet time in their day as well as lots of fun and play. Completely agree with colditz's comments about over-stimulation.

[Louise1970]

i agree with you snafu. I do exactly what you do. i don't go to activities everyday only twice a weeks, but i do go out for a walk or drive in the car, or shopping. She doesn't go anywhere not even walks or the park or let her child watch tv, have friends over or go to friends. Surely she needs more than just looking at her own four walls. i too have a 20 months old and a 5 month. And feel they need fresh air. maybe i am wrong...

[mummylonglegs]

Message deleted

[Jimjams]

soapbox I used to think like that- when I haqd ds1 I had to go out each day and the thought of a whole day in would have been palpatating. But since having the others, and since ds1's problems have made it harder to go out I don't feel like that anymore (and I'm not depressed!). We potter around, might pop to the newsagents, occasionally go to a friends but not all that often. It's fine, I like it. I don't like school holidays when I feel trapped because i can't go out, but if I have the choice- as I do during school terms- then I often don't want to iyswim

[Louise1970]

sorry forgot to add. Her ds use to sleep from 6pm to 6am with a 2 hour sleep in the morning. He is now not going to bed at 6pm. I thought it could be he is not getting tired enough...

[Bozza]

But louise says her friend never takes them out. You're all saying things like we don't go to toddler groups but go to the shops most days. They're only going to the shops once a month. Personally would feel very cooped up and agree with Soapbox.

[Nbg]

I think you hit the nail on the head in that first sentance QE, for me anyway.


In our post-natal group there was a huge emphasis on activities to do with your babies such as Jo Jingles, Baby massage, book groups, M&T groups and loads more. It was put across like, if you don't do these things with your child then they will suffer and it's all your fault.

[Bozza]

Louise could just be that as he gets older he is not as tired. Depends on size of house/garden. Mine is big enough to exercise a 21 mnth old sufficiently but not 4yo DS.

[snafu]

Hmmm, I don't know. If they're getting out in the garden and to a childminder then I would say they're probably okay. Tbh my ds (2 years) doesn't have friends over either - doesn't have any friends as such, they don't really at that age do they?

Agree with soapbox that I would be more concerned about her than the kids, I think.

[Jimjams]

I dunno- the more tired my kids get the worse they are at sleeping.

This week I've taken ds3 to the post office once, otherwise we've been in the whole time except for picking up ds2 from nursery (and I haven't taken ds3 to that every day). DS1 gets delivered to and from the house by taxi for school so no school run (thank god). It's fine- we're all chilled.

Although am dreading next 6 weeks when I can't go out- so I do like the choice!

[soapbox]

Jimjams - I don't want to make assumptions, but isn't that because for you the hassle of coping with DS1 when out and about outweighs any positive aspects of getting out of the house?

In which case I can understand how you feel. I would find the lack of adult company alienating - do you have friends that you visit that mitigates that???