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toddler and mummy sleeping together - okay in long term?

(10 Posts)
Caththerese1973 Mon 11-Jul-05 16:59:34

Hi
I am a single mother of one 28 month old girl. Since separating from my dp, we have been sleeping in the same bed. Previous to the relationship bust-up she was in her own room. At first (after leaving dp) I let her in my bed because she seemed scared in our new house. I thought I would get her into the portacot on her own after a few days. But the few attempts I have made have been failures. She gets really upset and shouts 'I wanna sleep with mummy', etc etc.
To be honest, what worries me is that I might be keeping up this arrangement for my own comfort as well as hers. I'm pretty lonely and could use a cuddle!
I guess what I am wondering is: will sharing a bed with dd make her less independent, or unwilling to go into her own bedroom further down the track? Am I being cruel in not making her sleep her alone now (inasmuch as she might be more hurt if I 'kick her out' when she is six months or a year older)
We are moving again soon and I have decided that I will put her in her own room at our new place. The only thing is that, at two plus, she has never slept in a bed by herself (only a cot, prior to dp and I breaking up) and while I know most people have their kids in beds before three, I worry she will fall out or roll out of a single bed. She doesn't roll out of my bed because it is a double bed that I have pushed against the wall - (she sleeps on the side closest to the wall).
Advice or experiences would be appreciated. One counseller from the women's shelter I visit sometimes says she had her FOUR kids in bed with for years, but obviously this is a bit eccentric!

Weatherwax Mon 11-Jul-05 17:30:07

My dd2(now4) likes my bed but we have started her off in her own room. She has stories there and falls to sleep there. In the night she wakes up and comes into our bed. She knows her place and the bed is big enough for her so she doesn't wake us. Over time she comes in later and later and we make sure that she will stay warm in bed overnight as we think the early morning coldness wakes her. We now go weeks without her joining us. Shame dd1 wakes near getting up time and takes her place now!

Flamesparrow Mon 11-Jul-05 17:33:11

My friend has her 3 year old in bed with her most nights, purely because he won't stay in his own bed.

I don't think it will harm your DD in the long run... I think there will just come a day when she has had enough and decides she wants to sleep by herself.

Twiglett Mon 11-Jul-05 17:33:28

have you read three in a bed

IMHO it is only a problem if you feel it is a problem and also if anyone else will be sharing your bed in the near future .. personally I don't see an issue with it although both of mine do sleep in their own rooms

Fran1 Mon 11-Jul-05 17:37:10

My dd does the same as Weatherwax, goes off in her own bed and comes into ours during the night.

I don't think it does any harm in terms of making them less independent.

If you choose to continue, you just have to accept that you may have to wait until she decides to stop sleeping with you rather than the other way round.

My dd went into a proper bed at 2 years with a mini rail at the head end. She has only fallen out a couple of times, and this is normally feet first so she doesn't hurt herself or even wake up!

My dd was hated her cot, and so a bed was exciting and special for her. Your dd may feel the same. We had just moved when she got her own bed and bedroom. I used to stay with her until she was asleep, then gradually withdrew my contact and now at 2.5 she goes off on her own after stories. Then as i say she wakes at some point in the early hours and climbs in with us. No fuss or tears, she just gets in for a cuddle and goes straight back to sleep.
If i had the energy i'm sure i could train her to stay in bed, but at that time of night i can't wake up enough to take her back into her bed and wait there until she falls asleep.

You really just need to decide what suits you. You're not being selfish, i love the snuggles with dd in bed.
The only concern you may have is if you meet a new partner? What will happen then.

vwvic Mon 11-Jul-05 18:01:43

I second everything that's been said already. I had a similar situation with my little one. Like you we knew we would be moving soon, so wew hyped up how great being a big girl in your own room was. We let her choose her own duvet covers, wall colour, curtains etc. She went straight into a single bed, and until recently (she's now 6) has never fallen out of it. Basically, we got her very excited about it so she wanted to do it.
If she woke in the night asking for us, we never went into her, but always got her to come to us. Of course, we needed to make sure the stairs etc were safe. I think that after a few weeks of getting out of her bed to come into ours, she got very bored and decided to stay in hers!

frannyf Mon 11-Jul-05 18:27:49

You could try a futon on the floor if you are worried about her falling out? Maria Montessori recommended this, I believe, for the child's independence as they can then get up by themselves and play in their room without needing to get you up.

As for sleeping in the same bed in the meanwhile, don't worry, enjoy it! There is nothing weird or wrong about it and I think it's good that she is getting the security that she needs at the moment...

bigdonna Mon 11-Jul-05 21:41:43

hi, my ds slept with me and my dh until he was 2 and my dd started off in her own bed but came in ,in the middle of the night every night until she was 5.5yrs.This was not a problem.I actually slept better with her in the bed.When i was growing up me and my 2 sisters slept in my mums bed all the time!.My dd is not very cuddly so i got my cuddles at night.

Verytiredmum Tue 12-Jul-05 12:29:54

My dh is a terrible sleeper so, when he called, I went in with my ds - every night - until he stopped waking at nights at around 33 months. He is now a fantastic sleeper and rarely wakes at night. I checked with lots of likeminded friends (not Ginamums!) and they reassured me that they had not had problems persuading or bribing older kiddies to sleep alone, once they were old enough to sleep in their own beds. I have just started doing the same with ds2 who loves his snuggles.

Going into the child at night, rather than having them in with you, means that you can get some space if you need/want it, and that she gets used to sleeping in her own room too.

I put ds's old cot matress and a couple of pillows on the floor to catch him when he fell out. He bounced a couple of times, once not waking at all, and finishing the night on the pillows.

Good luck

VTM

piffle Tue 12-Jul-05 12:35:04

My ds slept with me from birth, I too was single parent until I met dp in 2000, ds was 6 then and had always had his own room, he then slept in it with no problems, I must say that he has always had a big bed though, until we got him a high sleeper age 9.

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