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dd 2.3 had me in tears today.

(52 Posts)
ilovetochat Tue 03-Nov-09 21:32:37

the day started badly with me offering cereal or toast, being ignored, so giving her cereal, then she wanted toast hmm
telling her to hurry and eat so we could go out, she was taking her time.
trying to get her dressed she kept running off and ended up shutting her in the bedroom with me and dressing her while she cried.
just as we are going out she wants a poo, so she sits there doing nothing and smiling but when i tried to get her off the toilet she says poo and i dont want her to poo herself so she gets to sit there and make us late. in the end i shouted at her to poo or get off the toilet and she got off but was crying again. i feel like she ignores me till i shout then she does as asked but while crying which is not how i want us to communicate sad
after class, dinner and a sleep i had to wake her up as she had 2 hours and i didnt want bedtime ruined. she said she didnt like me, wanted daddy, and when i said daddy is still at work she said mommy work and daddy stay home sad
the final straw was daddy coming home only to say he had to go back to work and dd clinging to him and when i took her she said she didnt like mommy and she is daddys baby.
i ended up crying, i felt like walking out and leaving them to it. sad
as i put her to bed tonight she did the toilet trick again and i ended up shuting her in the bathroom till she admitted she didnt want a poo so even the end of the day is awful.
i do everything for her and she ignores me, shouts in my face, says she doesnt like me and only ever wants daddy.
what am i doing wrong?

megcleary Tue 03-Nov-09 21:38:14

<<hug>>
which is of no bloodddy use i know dd here is 2.2 and am also in battle land

tillykins Tue 03-Nov-09 21:42:23

you're not doing anything wrong, thats just toddlers....
It does get better (then the hormones kick in and it gets worse again wink)

She is old enough to understand some boundaries - eg putting an egg timer to 10 minutes and saying if you haven't finished your cereal when the bell goes, I will take it away
Tell her shouty children don't get listened to and if she shouts, you will remove her from the room and sit her on the naughty step for a couple of minutes
(Just long enuf to have a swift gin)
As for the poo, sit her on the toilet and go off and do something more interesting till she has finished. Tell her thats how big girls go to the toilet

ilovetochat Tue 03-Nov-09 21:42:32

i know they are meant to test the boundaries but ffs, i want to know how to get anything done without shouting.
she is 2.3 and in control.
if i say ok then we wont go out she wont really care as she has lots to play with but i will care as i'll be stuck in all day with noone to talk to.
hug accepted smile

MavisEnderby Tue 03-Nov-09 21:44:33

You are doing nothing wrong.She is 2 and 2 is a contrary age.I hink maybe setting your goals out.

ie.say heres your toast/cereal (you choose) for breakfast

Now it is time to get dressed,and maybe have it as a litle game,how fast can we put your dress on or whatever

Re pOo,if potty training would let her sit there but if no result after say 10 mins say,2Ah well that poo isnt ready yet,maybe it will come later? and take off toilet and go.

Stick to your guns.Children are very good at knowing how to press the emotional buttons,even at 2 IMO.Ds said 2I don't like you mummy@ tonight because I didn't let him stuff sweets down his throat 9i felt a few were enough not a whole pack).Don't take it to heart it is just testing their boundaries.

ilovetochat Tue 03-Nov-09 21:44:40

she has so much energy she spent half an hour after dinner running round and round shouting la la la la as loud as she could like she needed to burn it off before bed.

but i take her out all the time and she has plenty of opportunity to play/run/jump

ilovetochat Tue 03-Nov-09 21:47:47

she knows perfectly well when she needs to wee or poo but uses it when she wants out of a situation, like bedtime, dinnertime, buggy as she knows we react to stop accidents.

i will try time limits and less options/choices i think.

i havent used a naughty step with her yet and she always says sorry and hugs me but then does it again.

nannynick Tue 03-Nov-09 21:50:10

To me it seems that you are operating on your time scale, rather than hers. Does that make sense? While there are times when you need to get children to do things at a certain time, you need to try to balance that with periods where they dictate the time scale.

I care for a child 4 months younger who has strops over all manner of things... sometimes it's frustration at not being able to communicate his needs, other times its just that he doesn't want to do something that I want him to do. Unfortunately in life we have to do things we don't want to do from time to time, so on those occasions you need to make a decision and stick with it... so you are giving a consistent message that it isn't up for negotiation.

Running off whilst getting dressed... know that one well. No great solutions to it... making it a game can help sometimes. Letting them select their clothes can help, sometimes.

Try to avoid shouting... sounds as though she is already starting to copy that. Instead remove attention by walking away, leaving them in as safe a place as possible... for example go and make a cup of tea/coffee and drink it in the kitchen whilst they strop in the lounge.

Good luck, toddler stage is such fun.

ilovetochat Tue 03-Nov-09 21:54:15

im quite impatient nannynick, this morning she had a class at 9.30 so we needed to get there but sometimes i hurry her because i dont want to spend all day watching her on the toilet, i want to go and play with her or go in the garden, i cant understand why she wants to sit there.
she does copy me shouting blush, i try my best but she gets to me.

tellnoone Tue 03-Nov-09 21:56:15

Maybe don't give her choices e.g. this morning we are having cereal for breakfest, tomorrow we are having toast.

Or don't give her any breakfast until she answers and involve her when she does answer e.g. let her get the butter or milk out of the fridge, cereal out of the cupboard etc. Bring a snack if you have to go out and haven't given her any breakfast yet.

Try and think of something really exciting to tell her you will be doing when you go out to encourage her to get ready.

At this age I found my DCs were/are quite independent and love being given jobs to do, so giving her a 'job' to do when you're out might encourage her.

Give her a job to do to get ready, e.g. will you go and get Mummy's bag/umbrella/shoes etc. Then give loads of (over the top) praise and cuddles if she does it.

Do you praise her enough generally? Sometimes I get so stuck in keeping to schedules and getting fraught that I forget to just enjoy things and praise the DCs.

hth smile

geordieminx Tue 03-Nov-09 22:00:01

I feel your pain. Ds is 2.5, and as the weather has been so shit this week we havent been very far - he appears to have turned into a wild animal. It took almost an hour, twice in his cot, tv off 3 times and a huge shouting match this pm just to get him to put his blocks away.. hmm

Every time I ask him to do something his response at the moment is "not yet" or "in a minute"... it is driving me insane!

Have just finshed redecorating our bedroom - told him not to play with the new lamps (he broke last ones)... again it turned into a battle of wills with him just hoovering his finger over them to provoke a reaction...

Little monster...he certainly knows which buttons to press.. especially when he comes over and puts his face against mine and says "love mummy, mummy beautiful princess"... hmm wink

ilovetochat Tue 03-Nov-09 22:01:57

i always praise her lots, i tell her i love her, i tell her she is a good girl/big girl, thank her for listening, thank her for helping me , make a point of telling daddy how good she did at gym/swimming etc so she gets tons of positive stuff.
but i do tell her when she is being silly and im not pleased.
she knows what she is doing and talks well and understands most things. she says sorry without being told and hugs me so knows whats wrong.
good idea that if she doesnt answer me i wont get her breakfast/drink and then she may start to listen.

ilovetochat Tue 03-Nov-09 22:03:41

thats dd to a t, hovering over something for a reaction, aaagh.

ilovetochat Tue 03-Nov-09 22:04:28

off to bed, i feel drained. will check back tomorrow, thanks all. smile

nannynick Tue 03-Nov-09 22:04:53

How long have you been potty training for? Is she actually ready to do it? Seems as though she may be using it as a means of control.

When you need to be somewhere by a certain time, plan ahead as much as possible so that you are not hurrying. Hard to do though, I sometimes arrive at work at 7.55 and have to get 2 children dressed, fed, out the door by 8.30. Not easy, especially when nearly 2 year old decides he does not want to put any clothes on.

You said that she has lots to play with... have you tried cutting back on the things? Put them in boxes and put them away in the loft/shed/under a bed. Then you can rotate toys, so there are different toys every few weeks and you can remove toys for bad behaviour, give a toy (from one of the boxes in storage) for good behaviour.

When all else fails, bribery works. Chocolate button, carrot stick, bread stick, rice cake, piece of cheese... whatever you dd will accept can help persuade them to comply.

JustChancesAndChoices Tue 03-Nov-09 22:07:24

sounds just like my day! (DS1 2,1)

saintmaybe Tue 03-Nov-09 22:22:14

Nannynick is so right about time

She's coming into her 'will', take away as many opportunities for stress and power struggles as poss. Having nice, stress-free times with her is money in the bank for when you need to insist

Allow way more time for getting out etc than you can imagine, and if you don't have to rush, just don't. what you're seeing as wasted time you'd be better off, and happier, seeing as 'down-time', time when you're not distracted by anything and can just go at her pace and learn about what she likes to do and how she likes to do it. Make it easier on both of you.

ilovetochat Wed 04-Nov-09 14:08:38

she potty trained within 2 weeks in April and is 99% reliable but she knows we jump at the mention of toilet so uses it for power.

she has far too many toys, we buy her a few things xmas and birthdays, then gps buy constant gifts all year round and will not stop, she has a play room which my dad instantly filled by buying a ballpit and balls, last week he bought her a giant aeroplane and her nan bought her a bag of clothes and a pushchair even though she already has 2 pushchairs. i have asked them to stop so she appreciates her things more and doesnt expect gifts but they wont stop and ask about the items each visit so i cant recycle/pass them on/charity shop them. then they all comment how crowded it is hmm

yes i agree i need to stop rushing, plan more and go at her pace more, i find toddler pace infuriating unless we are at the park/on a walk with nowhere to be.

Danthe4th Wed 04-Nov-09 14:50:32

A few quick answers as off on school run soon, stop being controlled by the toilet, the worst thing that will happen is an accident, just be prepared. Tell the grandparents any more toys can stay at their house.
Remember who the adult is, calm down, stop shouting and walk away. Once you break the cycle and gain back some control, things may calm down. Having children can also be boring, I can sympathise I used to seek out adult company and forgot that my own children need some quiet time to learn to amuse themselves and relax. I used to hate staying home in the mornings, but be realistic about what she can do, and nothing wrong with a bit of bribery.

ilovetochat Wed 04-Nov-09 14:53:02

thanks dan, i appreciate all the advice.

Danthe4th Wed 04-Nov-09 14:56:07

'she says sorry without being told and hugs me so knows whats wrong'

I think you may find she understands how to react to you but they don't always understand what they've done you don't like.

ilovetochat Wed 04-Nov-09 15:00:39

maybe, cos she talks well i think i sometimes credit her with more understanding than she has.

ilovetochat Thu 05-Nov-09 21:21:52

oh dd is being a nightmare, she was ok today as had grandad round and a long sleep but when dp got home she only wanted him to hold her and just cried and cried over everything, she was kicking/screaming/shaking when we put her in her highchair for dinner, refused to eat anything and started to choke so dp got her out and she ate her dinner on his lap hmm which imo was what she wanted and why she cried when he arrived home to get her own way.
then i got mad with both of them, i couldnt hear myself think for dds screamin and was pissed off with dp for giving in (dont know if im wrong).
i feel like she knows he gives in so changes when he comes home crying and whinging and i tell her to stop crying and tell me wahts wrong but dp mollycoddles her.

StShakey Thu 05-Nov-09 21:54:43

Oh! ilovetochat! Sounds just like my day today!!!

I'm sure this won't make you feel better, but you've helped me realise I'm not the only one/on my own!

My DS1 (2.2) is usually a little dote, but was asked three times today to stay away from the bowl covered in clingfilm which has the bread dough proving in it. I found him crouching over it no more than seconds after the last warning, two holes poked through the film and into the dough.

I was furious (all down to lack of sleep, and that's not his fault blush) and marched him into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

I felt so guilty, and calmed myself down and went into him and we had a chat, hug and kiss. His little sorry face makes me melt (and feel like a bad Mummy).

To top it all off, DH told me it was my fault for tempting him with the bowl of dough being placed where he could get at it!!!

I know when I'm super-tired I have much less patience, but I find taking a step back, a deep breath, and silently counting to 10 (don't usually get past 4 or 5) really helps, as silly as it sounds. He's still only a baby, I'm the adult.

I'm not sure if this is helping, but I just want you to know you're not alone.

bethylou Thu 05-Nov-09 22:01:50

This all sounds like my mad day today too. I was in tears by 10a.m - hoping that pregnancy might have made me more emotional than usual and that tomrrow will be a better day! I don't think I'm qualified to give any advice about how to improve things at the mo, but, like StShakey, just wanted to add you are not alone and made me feel better for realising that too - thank you.

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