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asked to stop going

(28 Posts)
Hausfrau Thu 16-Jun-05 11:02:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon Thu 16-Jun-05 11:10:07

Did you ever actually leave him there? ie played Cruel Evil Mummy and simply left him to settle?

bigdonna Thu 16-Jun-05 11:12:46

hi hausfrau, why dont you try a childminder for two morning,maybe he would settle in a home environment with less children too.with someone who can sit and cuddle him if that is what he wants.He is still very young.Or what about getting someone to come to your house to play with him for a couple of hours.

throckenholt Thu 16-Jun-05 11:13:52

I agree with SD - have you ever actually left him ? Maybe you can build up to leaving him by going for a little while and then stretch it.

Also - maybe you can try again in a month or so.

Can you also speak a bit of German to him at home so that it won't feel so alien to him.

Gobbledigook Thu 16-Jun-05 11:16:08

I was going to say the same as Soupy - maybe you just need to go and perhaps he'd cry for a bit but I bet he'd settle. Almost all children are upset when first left but they nearly all settle too.

He is still very little and ordinarily I'd say if he's too little keep him at home, but if you are struggling and really need that short break, I'd keep at it but leave him and see how that goes.

Lonelymum Thu 16-Jun-05 11:21:36

They have asked you to stop going? Is that because they can't cope with him? Is there no way back? I agree you should just leave him crying but I am a hard cow in that way. Could he go to a childminder with some other German children? Perhaps that would be less frightening for him.

Chandra Thu 16-Jun-05 11:24:38

Oh Hausfrau, sorry to hear that . I'm racking my brains but I can't find anything reasonable to suggest that has not been said here.

Don't worry much about the language yet, they pick it up quite easily and at that age they rely a lot in bodylanguage (DS could answer in english to questions in French even when he has never been exposed to the language). The only thing coming to my mind would be to take him to places with lots of people so he gets used to the idea that lots of people around doesn't mean danger. As for the me time... I do lots of things once DS goes to bed, Mumsnet is a bit quiet though.

Chandra Thu 16-Jun-05 11:26:28

PS TEletubies in German or any other young children videos can also do the trick

Hausfrau Thu 16-Jun-05 12:13:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandra Thu 16-Jun-05 12:27:57

Are you coming back to England sometime during the summer? I thought that if you were coming in holidays you can try a creche here where you understand the language to figure out what are the problems, and have them sorted. Then it would be easier once you are back in Germany. There should be more people feeling like you in your area, it's just a matter of finding them, probably a little note on swimming pool or creches' boards may do the trick. HTH

berolina Thu 16-Jun-05 13:22:54

oh b {hugs}
have sent you an email about meeting up - do you feel like it?
dh and i can provide some german input if you like!

berolina Thu 16-Jun-05 13:24:34

if you like i can help you to work out (on a linguistic level) what to say to the staff. surely its not right fo them to decide to throw in the towel?
ps little samuel asleep in my arms! hence no caps

LIZS Thu 16-Jun-05 16:03:17

I have also experienced a little of what you have gone through. She had serious spearation anxiety from 5 months and it was incredibly wearing when as you say you ahve no other back up.

When she 'd just turned 2 I took a German course with a creche run by very friendly swiss ladies in the adjacent room and no way would dd stay there. She would happily sit on my lap in the class though, for an hour and a half ! In the end the teacher said that if I was to take the next level of course she would have to stay there - but how can you when they are within ear shot and the ladies don't really want them there because they disturb the others. So I abandoned it.

I have also come up against the "let them cry it out" attitude and I wonder if that is true of your experience in that the staff don't understand why you won't just leave him and let them deal with it. If it is any comfort a German neighbour had similar problems with her son in a Swiss German daycare but she just let him sob until he accepted it because her free time was so important to her. It could well be not just a language issue for your ds2.

Anyway things have improved with time for dd - she has attended play group (from 2) and more recently International preschool (both english speaking)and will now usually stay with her brother in the Ikea play area.

Hope you can find soemthing that works - could you do a swap with a friend perhaps, so she has ds2 to play while you do a course and you have her child in return or ask for a recommended babysitter who would come to your house while you went to the course ?

Nightynight Fri 17-Jun-05 06:21:45

my first 2 children were fine when left alone,and for some reason the 3rd one wasn't, at this age. (He did grow out of it though).
I was MAD when I discovered that our then Au Pair was dumping my son in a creche where he cried for an hour (the staff were lousy, it was in the UK btw), while she went to her English class. She knew he was crying, she had a baby herself, and she didn't leave her own baby in this creche. Boy, was I angry.

I am puzzled about the "language problem" . ime, anything can be solved if you can take the time, and have a good dictionary. If someone is not willing to give you the time, then maybe that's not the right person to look after your son.
We had a Tagesmutter for a short time when we first came to de. She spoke a little English, and was in any case, the nicest person you could imagine. I trusted her judgement (she was a qualified nursery nurse, who was temping while job hunting), so didn't really give her very detailed instructions. I think one tends to get a bit more relaxed by the fourth child!

I thought that she, and our Au Pair that we had afterwards, really good at teaching the children German by the way.

mandyc66 Fri 17-Jun-05 16:49:46

did you say he isnt yet 2?

TinyGang Fri 17-Jun-05 17:28:33

I haven't any better suggetions than those already given but I would feel the same sense of frustration with the situation. Of course you need and must have a break. Don't feel guilty or that you are offloading - everyone needs a break to stay sane. I sometimes feel I'm going mad and I do get the occasional break. Hope you work this out asap.

mandyc66 Sat 18-Jun-05 07:39:55

how many children do you have? Could a friend take them for an hour or so to give you a break or maybe their Dad for a couple of hours on a weekend?

flashingnose Sat 18-Jun-05 08:37:11

I think everyone has made excellent suggestions here. It's vital in your situation that you are happy, so you need to find a solution that you're happy with, rather than throwing in the towel and keeping him at home. Either rope in one of your expat friends with better German to help you talk to the Kindergarten and then try leaving him or try going down the Tagesmutter route as this will really help with the language issue - kids this age are like sponges and he'll have no difficulties if she speaks to him only in German.

Best of luck - I've been there too and it's hard but it will get better.

flashingnose Sat 18-Jun-05 08:41:39

Just read your message again - please, please try leaving him - go and sit in your car and cry (I did!). It will get better and he will settle - he just hasn't had the opportunity yet.

franke Sat 18-Jun-05 09:00:50

I'm so sorry you're going through this. FWIW I have some idea of what you're going through - I'm in a similar position. From what you say I'm thinking that the Tagesmutter route might be worth a go - quite a few of them will speak English so you will be able to communicate with them, and they tend to just have a few kids at a time so it might be less scarey for your ds. I'm sure you already know this site, but it maybe worth a look here . Also again I'm sure you know it, but have you looked on here ? They are a friendly bunch (mostly) and more people are joining all the time i.e. more people with kids which is helpful. Also it's worth asking around for Tagesmutter recommendations - are you able to communicate with any of your older son's friends' parents or even his teacher?

I'm sure you know all this and I know it's all easier said than done. Good luck - I'll post more links if I think of any, but let me know if there's anything else I can do. The language is a b**ger - I'm taking one to one lessons but it's quite difficult to find people to talk carp German to (other than at the fish counter in the supermarket, where scope for convo is pretty limited) so progress is langsam. xx

(lol - talking carp German at the fish counter)

franke Sat 18-Jun-05 09:03:30

Having said all that, I agree with others here that you should stick with the Mini Kindergarten until you are sure it is a completely lost cause - I know how difficult it is to get places here. xx

berolina Sat 18-Jun-05 10:50:08

i'm available for either of you for distance learning german! not a boast but i have more or less native level.
franke, have you tried advertising in the local paper or events mag for a 'tandem'? i.e. for someone who would speak german with you in exchange foryou speaking english with them.

franke Sat 18-Jun-05 11:37:58

That's a good idea Berolina. I did think of looking for a student who's maybe studying English or something. But it is all a matter of confidence too - I actually know a lot of German but I'm just very self conscious about saying anything. I suppose it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy - I worry cos I think nobody will understand me if I try to say anything so when I do say something I mumble so nobody understands me!

Nightynight Sat 18-Jun-05 12:52:13

I am so proud of myself when I speak German to people and they don't immediately reply in English!
But I still dont speak German in the office . They all speak such excellent English that I am too embarrassed.

berolina Sat 18-Jun-05 13:13:44

That's the beauty of a tandem - the other partner is self-conscious (about their English) too, so you start out as equals, as it were. I've never done one myself, but I know if you find the right person it can be a great experience (and can also increase social contacts!).

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