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Is ds too young to be ignored? MIL thinks so!!!!

(23 Posts)
ImALady1 Wed 15-Jun-05 13:32:48

DS2 is 15 months old and unlike his older brother he likes to throw the odd paddy. Ds2 rarely did this and it has come as a bit odf a shock . If he has something he shouldn't have I take it away and even if he cannot understand me I will say "No darling can mummy have that its too dangerous or it might hurt you bla bla bla". He really creates at the slightest thing. What I do at home is to tell him why I have done(I know he has no clue of what I am saying yet) but he throws himself on the floor and I will then ignore him and carry on doing what I am doing until he stops. Now at home these paddys don't last long, but when we are outside I feel a little more on the spot and I want to ignore him and carry on walking with him holding my hand but he throws himself down and I have to catch him at that point because he doesn't realise what damage he can do to himself on the hard path or shopping centre floor.
To make it worse MIL thinks that he should not be ignored that he is too young. I want to say
bo*l!cks to you if I ignore him the tantrum is over quite quickly.
In your opinion is she right is he too young and how do I handle the screaming and "body throwing" when we are outside. Any opinions cheers.

ImALady1 Wed 15-Jun-05 13:34:16

Sorry I meant ds1 rarely threw any paddys.

Gwenick Wed 15-Jun-05 13:37:23

I think YOU are correct. 15 months is not only old enough for your DS to know 'how' to get what he wants, but also old enough to learn that if he strops about it he won't get!

Us parents ALWAYS know best - ignore you MIL

WigWamBam Wed 15-Jun-05 14:00:36

I think you're right, too. My HV's advice, from much younger than 15 months, was to praise good behaviour, and completely ignore behaviour you don't like.

I didn't have the screaming and throwing herself on the floor with dd, but my inclination would be to ignore it or walk away,unless she was going to hurt herself. If she had been likely to hurt herself I would have picked her up without comment and put her back down on her feet again. I wouldn't have picked her up if she'd thrown herself onto the supermarket floor; I don't think she could have hurt herself too badly on an ordinary floor.

Miaou Wed 15-Jun-05 14:00:37

No, you are doing absolutely the right thing, ImALady1 - ignoring is the best route to stopping them IMO.

When you are out, it is possible to ignore the behaviour without ignoring its consequences. If you are out walking and he throws himself on the ground, simply pick him up and restrain him, but without talking to him or making eye contact. If you can get to the point where you can carry on doing what you were doing (ie supermarket shop, walking thru' park etc) then do, otherwise simply hold him round his middle or whatever works for you. Yes it will probably make him even more cross for a little while but he will soon grasp that this is a different kind of "ignoring" to the sort he is used to at home, and therefore he will stop. HTH.

Blu Wed 15-Jun-05 14:17:36

I think at 15 months it isn't 'bad' behaviour when they get v frustrated if something is taken away from them, any more than it would be if you yeled your head off because someone took your mobile out of your hand as you were making a call - everything is fascinating, want-able, and they are curiou and passionate - so strong reacxtions are not surprising.
tbh, at this age i would still do lots of distraction - if taking something away, give something else at the same time: an alternative toy but even better something harmless that he hasn't seen before - egg whisk or whatever.

And they do understand quite a lot - oin fact loads, at 15 months, so it might be worth choosing a range of simple words which explain why he can't have something like 'no - hot' or 'no - mummy's' or 'no - nasty'.

At this age, if Ds was upset because I had taken somehting off him, I would comfort him, rather than ignore him - so that he learned that although it might feel like the end of the world at that moment to lose something, and I understood that he was upset, it wasn't the end of the world, and he could easily recover from such a tragedy! He has a v strong spirit and will - quite fierce, so i tried to head off tantrums so that he didn't have the chance to learn his own ability to go off on one, iyswim.

ImALady1 Wed 15-Jun-05 14:43:51

Thanks everyone I feel that I am doing the right thing with him. I do distractions as well offer him another thing that isn't dangerous for e.g. but alot of time that gets thrown right back at me. So most of the time ignoring him is working at home I just have to be consistent when I go out so he gets the signals and signs I do not want to send him mixed messages. One behaviour at home and another out on the street. You just feel all eyes are on you when he starts but I think I will take your advice WigWamBaM and Miaou.

flamesparrow Wed 15-Jun-05 14:48:12

I ignore mine... and have been from about 8 months

I've also got to the mean stage too... I don't catch on the hard floors anymore!! No blood ever came, and she now lowers herself onto her front instead of throwing

flamesparrow Wed 15-Jun-05 14:49:23

Oh - and so I don't sound quite so evil... I did try distraction, and she ain't havin any of it! No way, no how will she be distracted when she's set her mind on it!

toothyboy Wed 15-Jun-05 16:15:54

He probably understands every word you say - I know my ds did from much earlier than 15 months! And I've been ignoring him when it suits since about, oh 1, possibly 2, weeks!! Only joking! Definitey ignore paddies, he won't be listening to you anyway.

WideWebWitch Wed 15-Jun-05 20:47:48

I agree with Blu.

mandyc66 Wed 15-Jun-05 21:16:37

Do what you think right!! As for mil...waht do they know!!!!

helsi Wed 15-Jun-05 21:21:12

I think you are right too. If you have explained why its wrong and the tantrum continues then ignore it. I think in public the advice I have seen is to try and hold then firmly but not sure as i can't remmeber. It was on either Little Angels or Supernanny.

mandyc66 Wed 15-Jun-05 21:24:08

I think its important when the tantrum is over to go back and give them a cuddle then and reassure them a little as tantrums can be scary for them.

FairyMum Wed 15-Jun-05 21:28:40

I'd say ignoring is fine, but that you should stay in the same room and not walk away. The reason is that I think they can get a bit overwhelmed and cant quite control their own feelings so at least knowing mummy is there can caml them I think. I used to make sure they were safe and sit down and read the paper. If it happened in public, I'd do the same. It sometimes helps to get VERY interested in something. Start playing with their toys really enthusiastically or sing very loudly and happily. It soon gets them more interested in you than their tantrum!

Wills Wed 15-Jun-05 21:33:53

I agree with ignoring bad behaviour, but also wholeheatedly agree that they can get overwhelmend. My first was brilliant at tantrums but as often as not she would forget what started the tantrum and simply become distraught at the tantrum itself. At this point I'd step in. Its difference between the furious angry screech and the panic'd crying

mandyc66 Wed 15-Jun-05 22:15:00

did anyone agree with me!!!!!!

Miaou Thu 16-Jun-05 09:31:21

I do mandy - or to be exact, I would pick up and carry on where we left off before the tantrum started - so if we were going to feed the ducks before, we carry on going to feed them after the tantrum is over. It's part and parcel of "ignoring" the behaviour but not the child - carry on as if it never happened, so if you want to cuddle them do, but don't talk to them about the tantrum - just move on.

acnebride Thu 16-Jun-05 09:39:48

Just to say ds is doing exactly the same Imalady, and has been for the last 2 months or so (he's 17 months now). Before that he banged his head for a few weeks, but ignoring really seemed to stop that. I'm pleased it's not just me who's ignoring, as I do feel a bit of a hard bitch sometimes.

have to say it makes me laugh (privately) when he carefully lowers himself on to a hard floor so as not to hurt himself, then starts screaming . but yes, I do then realise that he is bored/fed up/tired/not getting attention etc and look for a way to distract him.

hercules Thu 16-Jun-05 09:55:12

If I think dd will throw herself on the floor, I'll lower her down so I know she wont hurt herself then leave her to it.

I think that's the best way to deal with it.

moondog Thu 16-Jun-05 10:01:14

I wouldn't ignore such as young child.Immense frustration is an integral part of cognitive development which is at odds with physical ability. I wouldn't encourage either however,would just 'allow' them to be angry without retribution then attempt to distract quickly (sounds easy doesn't it? Wish it was...)

ImALady1 Thu 16-Jun-05 14:39:29

He had one today in the middle of the library of all places just before the nursery sing half hour began. I just walked towards the chairs to sit down and he promptly follwed me then I distracted him with a book afterwards. Trying to distract him once he has kicked off is quite difficult he just screams louder or as I said earlier throws things back at me. He does get quite frustrated with everything at the mo I think alot of it is tiredness or he is just fed up and bored. He gets bored easily no matter what I try and do with him. I know its probably an age thing I have got another son of 5 but he was never at paddy thrower. He gets plenty of kisses and cuddles through out the day and once he has eventually calmed down he'll get a cuddle and kiss. It is the following round the room screaming and crying that amazes me I'm sure it takes him so much effort to walk and scream and cry rather than just to stay in one place! Even ds1 is getting fed up with his paddys now after having such "a hard day at reception"!! Still wouldn't change him for the world though.

Miaou Thu 16-Jun-05 15:53:49

Sounds like you are handling it well, IamaLady1.

Repeat the MN mantra...

...it's just a phase....

...it's just a phase....

...it's just a phase....

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