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DS and DH bickering like toddlers- and one of them is

(9 Posts)
girnythecat Mon 26-Oct-09 09:52:10

Advice sorely needed. My DS is three and a bit( DH is 47 and a bit)and is going through a prolonged phase of not allowing his Dad to do anything with or for him if he is even a bit tired or grumpy. Whole weekends of "go away", "Mummy makes my lunch", "I don't love you, I only love Mummy" and hysterical crying.
I do most of the childcare because DH is away a couple of nights a week and works long hours. DS has been happily at nursery since he was six months so it's not as if he can't bear to be away from me.
My poor DH is hurt, frustrated and worn out and I am tired of refereeing.And of never getting five minutes peace and quiet.

Biobytes Mon 26-Oct-09 09:57:03

At that age, I would be trying to reason a little bit with him. I know it's a bit young but I'm sure Ds could perfectly understand at that age the concept of not hurting other people.

I guess that at some points chidlren become a bit unreasonable and demand for evertyhting to be done by a single person, but just remember he is leaving toddlerhood behind and although you might be terrified of an incoming tantrum if you put the kechup on the wrong side of the plate (as I did) he is no longer that little for you to tolerate that behaviour.

Be reasonable, if your child is unreasonable you have to explain why he is and not allowing him to get away with it.

waitingforbedtime Mon 26-Oct-09 10:00:12

Oh my ds does this to his daddy. Tbh dh doesnt care because, lets face it, they dont REALLY mean it.

Ds says 'no, mummy do it' I just refuse and he can scream if he wants. I just tell him daddy likes helping him too or whatever. When he says 'I dont like daddy' I just say 'thats not nice' or dh says 'well I love you' and thats it. Dont make a big deal of it, it isnt one.

thatsnotmymonster Mon 26-Oct-09 10:12:22

my 3 have all gone through phases of this because I am with them and do everything with/for them most of the time.

Our youngest at 18mo will usually only let me give her a bottle and hates dh putting her to bed.

Our eldest at 4.5 now LOVES his dad and wants to do loads of stuff with him.

DD1 is 3.3 and is just beginning to show dh more affection. It has helped because he has taken them all away for a weekend twice this year- a bit of daddy bonding time!

thatsnotmymonster Mon 26-Oct-09 10:15:08

Oh and the other thing is- when DH is around at weekends/holidays etc and any of them give us the 'I want Mummy to do xxxx', I just respond with, 'No sweetie, Mummy does xxxx for you all the time, it's Daddy's turn now- he never gets to do xxxx for you' and smile sweetly grin and walk away.

girnythecat Mon 26-Oct-09 14:37:54

Thanks everyone. I do hold firm when DS demands I do everything with him but I suspect he feeds off the power he has to make his dad miserable. At least DS doesn't sulk about it whilst DH will have a petted lip for a couple of days at least. I do talk to DS about hurting Daddy's feelings and if they do something nice together the effect will last for a week or so but eventually reverts back.
Before anyone calls social services all of the following are untrue.
"Daddy pushed me under the water in the bath"
"Daddy hit me and called me names"
"Daddy made the cat scratch me"
"Daddy made Hallowe'en go away"
"Daddy made my leg fall off"

Biobytes Tue 27-Oct-09 16:12:33

Ok... I'm sitting in the fence too awaiting for someone with suggestions on how to tackle lies....

Soups Wed 28-Oct-09 01:58:37

I suspect you're right and your DS is feeding off the power smile. I think tho that the only one who can do that much about it is your DH. This is only my experience - but - if it's mainly me reasoning to the child and the DH not really playing along, it doesn't really help and may cause more probs!

I'm saying this, knowing that it is hard for my dh when he comes home from long hours at work. It's taken him many many years, but he finally seems to be realizing that he has to behave the same as me!

They cause a fuss, you don't create a negative fuss back, you keep doing & saying positive things with them. Even when you REALLY don't want to. It's not a short term fix, you have to keep doing it. Most of the time you ain't gonna get much thanks. The same as for us mums grin This has taken him around 9 years!!!

However shattered your DH is, especially if you want a break, I think he needs to take ds places without you, even if it's a 5 min kick around in the garden or park. Do things for him even if he whines, or asks for mum, ignore. He need to keep doing it & not act hurt!! Again same as we "try" to do day in day out.

It's amazing how quick young children are to start getting a grip on social situations. Mine seem quite capable of winding up their father and each other the moment they can move ;)

This reply will probably seem harsher than I mean, but years later I still struggle with my DH stropping and actually causing probs!!! Wish I'd said a few things years back, in a nice way of course ;) I also don't mean that children are horrible scheming creatures that need to be tamed, they do go through so many funny little stages you can ride through.

Probably much easier to get through them when you're both behaving the same way. She says knowing the next conversation she needs to have with her DH wink

Soups Wed 28-Oct-09 02:16:42

I did forget to put in there that it's worth reinforcing with your DH that the DS is saying those things, despite wanting and loving him. Highly likely because he does!

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