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Advice on a friends mean child (mean to my DS) - Help!

(15 Posts)
SingleMum01 Sat 24-Oct-09 19:56:54

A friend of mine has a DS same age (7) as my DS - known each other since babies. Our DS's are either best friends or her DS is being mean (pushing/hitting or saying mean things) to my DS (I don't mean that to sound like mine is angelic all the time! But he isn't spiteful) She says herself that her DS is mean. What's the best way for me and my DS to deal with this? When her DS first started hitting my DS I told my DS not to play with him, but my DS still goes to him so I guess underneath they must like each other.

My friend knows her DS has anger issues and is attempting to deal with them now they've become physical towards her.

My DS gets upset when her DS says mean things to him, although I tell him to go and play with someone else when her DS is being mean. He still gets sneeped and her DS seems to know exactly what to do to upset my DS.

My DS is a quiet boy and her DS always wants to be the centre of attention. Although they are both stubbern and will stick to their guns - i wonder if this is what causes the issues as neither will give in. They are generally okay for a while on a 1:1 but if there are others involved I think her DS sees mine as competition.

We are going to her DS party soon where he will want to be the centre of attention. Initially he will be pleased to see my DS but I know after a while he will be mean to my DS and my DS will get upset. I don't want to make at scene at their party but I don't want my DS to be upset. What's the best way to handle the upset if/when it happens? I don't want to cause a rift in our friendship.

Advice please.

Flyonthewindscreen Sat 24-Oct-09 21:49:39

Encourage your DS in other friendships? I'm assuming that they are in school together.

Or if you are close friends with this boy's mother and she is aware of his issues would you be able to agree a joint way of handling this? Obviously phrased along lines of "when my DS and your DS fall out how shall we deal with it" not "when your DS hits my DS again waht are you doing about it?"

overmydeadbody Sat 24-Oct-09 21:53:23

I think at 7 your DS should be able to question his friend himself as to why he is sometimes horrible and mean. It's not like it'a toddlers we are talking about.

You and his mother should agree a joins plan to help tackle this, but it should mainly be down to your DS to defend himself, question his friends and stand up for himself.

ChunkyKitKat Sat 24-Oct-09 21:57:11

How is your friend dealing with her ds's behaviour?

SingleMum01 Sat 24-Oct-09 22:01:36

My DS is close friends with 2 other boys but my DS says the other DS follows him into this groups of friends (and the other DS has also caused trouble, ie, so-so isn't your friend he's mine now). My DS has other friends outside of this group which he also plays with so it isn't a major major issue, just wanted others ideas on how my DS should handle meanness towards him. He does stand up for himself and will push back if necessary, I wonder if that's the issue in that he stands up for himself and doesn't take the cr*p.

Maybe I should just listen, and not worry about it and get involved? I guess its just playground politics?

SingleMum01 Sat 24-Oct-09 22:03:37

Chunky KitKat - my friend hasn't done anything until recently, when she was completely embarrassed at a party by his angry behaviour. She's now trying to tackle his tantrums/angry behaviour by getting him to tell someone if he's angry before he kicks off. She's said her DS and mine are alike in different ways, ie, they're both strong willed.

buy1get1free Sun 25-Oct-09 12:31:11

Single is there a possibility that the other boys may have special needs of some kind? just a thought ....

Goblinchild Sun 25-Oct-09 13:29:17

"My friend knows her DS has anger issues and is attempting to deal with them now they've become physical towards her."

"my friend hasn't done anything until recently, when she was completely embarrassed at a party by his angry behaviour."

That's a long time for a child to raise himself with regards to socialising himself and understanding how to make positive relationships.

So he's got to 7 with presumably increasingly dominant and controlling behaviour that has gone unchallenged until your son started to object. It must seem to your boy as if the other DS gets to set the agenda.
She needs to find out some practical strategies for behaviour management, books, supernanny, experienced parents with ideas, teachers...

saintmaybe Sun 25-Oct-09 13:58:15

You can't control what the other child's like

You say your ds still wants to play with him

So what you can do is help bulid up your ds's sense of self, his happiness, his 'inner' strength in all the ways you can, without it being 'about' the other boy, so that what the other kid does doesn't result in his feeling sad.

What we say is that so-and-so might do something; but he's NOT THE BOSS OF YOUR FEELINGS, if you don't want to feel upset by it, you don't have to

your ds might feel a bit sorry for him and his weird ways, you never know

kids can be the best teachers of each other

saintmaybe Sun 25-Oct-09 13:59:46

and if your ds feels strong and independent he's then in a position to recognise when the relationship's no good for him and stay away too

SingleMum01 Sun 25-Oct-09 14:28:02

GoblinChild - that was my opinion too, in a way its not his fault as I don't think he's ever been disciplined for bad behviour.

However, Buy1Get1Free - i'm starting to wonder if there is more to it than never being disciplined/having consequences.

I tell my DS you can't be responsible for other people and what they do and that it isn't his problem, you can only be responsible for yourself.

Just want advice on what else I can say to him when he's been upset - he's very sensitive.

foxinsocks Sun 25-Oct-09 14:34:00

singlemum, I think this is an issue that often comes out at around age 7/8 with boys. I think they start becoming more aware of friendships and how they work.

I think your ds is old enough now to be asked why he wants to carry on being friends with this boy. How does this boy make him feel (ask him this I mean)?

There's also the possibility that he (ds's friend) is struggling to make proper friends at school (probably because of his behaviour) and is jealous of ds because he has friends.

If this is the case, then the situation won't resolve itself on its own. The other boy needs to be shown that being aggressive and mean doesn't win friends but unless he's mature enough to figure this out himself (hard at 7 I would say), he won't be able to do this on his own.

If your ds is mature, it might be wise to teach him the mantra 'if you are going to be mean to me then I do not want to play with you'. He can say that and then walk away and find someone else to play with. He'll have to be quite strong to say that but it gives a very clear message. It may make his friend aggressive towards him but if he sticks at it, he will soon understand. That's if he's determined to be friends with him. If he isn't then he should probably just find some other boys to play with!

SingleMum01 Sun 25-Oct-09 15:18:54

Foxinsocks - I've tried saying to my DS not to play with him, but he still does - or says he follows him, so I presume sometimes they must enjoy each others company. I do wonder if the other boy is a bit jealous of my boy being friends with other children and that is what causes the behaviour as he does need to be top dog (not my DS the other boy). However, my issue to my DS not getting upset and how to deal with the behaviour.

I tell my DS not to play with him if he's being mean, but I'm not sure if he says it to him, so we'll try that.

Its very awkward as I'm friends with the boys mother who until recently believed the sun shone out of .... Her boy is very good at being upset and telling her so-so has been mean to him! I witnessed this myself after her boy had attempted to strangle my boy at a party and then my DS didn't want to play with him - obviously! So her boy went crying to his mother that my DS was being mean to him. Another boy told me what had happened, it wasn't just my boys version of events. However, she has realised he has issues now, so I'm hoping things will start to get better.

Oblomov Mon 26-Oct-09 08:51:36

Reading with interest.
Ds1 (5.9) - Year 1 has a best friend, since the first weeks of reception, who isn't that nice to him. But when he is nice, "his games are the best" - i.e when its good, its so good it blinds my son to the bad. He told me that he is horrible , more than he is nice, to me.

I try to encourage him to play with the other boys, which he does.
But his lack of.... well is it self respect that allows him to value this friend, makes me terribly sad.
I just encourage him, that he is such a nice boy and deserves to have friends that treat him nicely, hoping that this will sink in.
I know not what else to do.

So, Op, I have every sympathy.

SingleMum01 Mon 26-Oct-09 19:44:15

Its horrible to see your DS upset isen't it Oblomov. However, I don't think its lack of self respect, I think its just general niceness in my boy and years of teaching to be nice to others.

I guess they have to somehow learn to deal with the unpleasant side to people which we with maturity wouldn't put up with.

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