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DD wont go to sleep. I just need her to sleep, or at least stop crying {pulls out hair}

(29 Posts)
PavlovtheForgetfulCat Tue 20-Oct-09 21:54:17

She is 3.2. I am 36 weeks pg. I have been sick a lot of today, torn the lining of my stomach, had millions of people in decorating so not able to relax and recover from an epic vomitting session (bloody, bleurgh).

DD has been at nursery. She played up this morning, refused to get dressed for me. She has been fine all day at nursery. Good as gold apparantly. Literally, from the moment I got there to get her, she threw a tantrum, did not want to come, does not like home, does not like me, wants to stay there. I had to mostly carry her kicking to the car, where it took almost 10 mins to manhandle her into the car. Same at home, would not get out of the car, into the flat, up the stairs, not pleased to see daddy. Shouts and screams and finally snuggles with me, apologies for shouting and we settle for the evening.

She goes to bed, normal routine, but DH does it, as he does sometimes. She refuses to settle. He goes out at 8pm and she is quiet. She gets up immediately that he leaves and she will. not. shut. up.

She is crying, asking for daddy, for milk, she will not sleep.

She keeps saying however 'i do not want to go to jail' but this has only started in the last 10 mins.

I have spent half hour trying to get hold of DH to come home and sort it, as I am struggling, phone off, but finally get hold of him, he is coming home, after giving me a lecture as I am crying, not reassuring, but 'ffs you are having a bad night with your 3 yo, get over it'.

I am very scared that I will not be able to cope with two children. Not been afraid like this before sad but what if I can't do it? or do it well at least? I don't know why she suddenly is refusing to do what I ask, or want to be with me, or play ball...

CarGirl Tue 20-Oct-09 21:58:35

Your dd may be sensing that big change is on the way with a new baby plus all the stress of that what I will not actually mention.

I know lots of people say their children were worse at the end of their pregnancy than when they baby actually turned up.

Plus I always felt much better after the baby was born than heavily pregnant.

whomovedmychocolate Tue 20-Oct-09 21:58:35

You. Will. Be. Fine. Two children is hard, I'm not going to lie to you. But it is doable. People cope with six FFS.

When you are knackered, pregnant and sick, of course it looks undoable.

May I suggest you put her in her room, read her one story and then leave her to it while you have a cup of tea. Preferably with a pillow over each ear?

preggersplayspop Tue 20-Oct-09 21:58:54

Oh dear! No advice but plenty of sympathy. I am 35 weeks pg and DS (2.5) has been acting up really badly recently. Tonight was the worst a full blown tantrum, screeching, kicking the door. Don't want to go to nursey, don't want to come home. On and on!

DS will not settle for his dad either and I still bf him and co-sleep (not thought through the long term implications of this strategy I guess when new baby comes!!), so although we have lovely cuddles to make up after the tantrums, i'm still a bit frazzled.

Maybe they are sensing new baby arrival and are feeling unsettled because of it?

onepieceoflollipop Tue 20-Oct-09 22:02:22

Lots of sympathy to you.

Could it be possible that she has a headache/is a bit off colour? (she may well have a headache from the yelling etc.) No harm (imo) giving her some calpol to try.

Hopefully your dh will return and apologise if he is usually a reasonable man.

Washersaurus Tue 20-Oct-09 22:02:31

I can honestly say that I found it harder having one child and being pregnant than having two children....even if DS2 didn't start sleeping until he was 2yo, and even now only really settles for DH.

Hopefully she will settle soon and you will be able to relax and recover a bit.

whomovedmychocolate Tue 20-Oct-09 22:02:37

DD was apparently an absolute bugger for my last month of pregnancy - I was in hospital and she was really upset all the time. Par for the course I'm afraid.

Have you tried reassuring her that she will always be your baby girl but you need her to help you by going to bed so she can get big and strong and do really cool things like big girls do. And in the morning buy more sticker books. I have yet to meet a 3 year old who won't tow the line for a sticker book hmm

fairylights Tue 20-Oct-09 22:03:25

just wanted to say huge sympathy pavlov..
my dd arrived 10 weeks ago and in the weeks leading up to her arrival my ds (nearly 3) was similar, especially when i seemed to have flu. I honestly kept thinking "i will never ever manage two children" but somehow or other we are surviving (and even enjoying ourselves!)despite ds driving me insane on a regular basis.
Think my ds (and maybe your dd) just knew that life was about the change for him forever and was seriously unsettled by it.
Anyway i am not saying anything very helpful am i? just wanted to sympathise x

onepieceoflollipop Tue 20-Oct-09 22:04:49

Agree with Washersaurus, and in my case I had a dd who didn't sleep for 2 years (well she did, but not for long enough grin)

If you get absolutely desperate give her a sticker book now, however if you think this might backfire on subsequent nights then don't risk it!

Washersaurus Tue 20-Oct-09 22:09:21

I admitted on another thread that sometimes I bribe motivate DS2 to stay in his bed all night with the promise of a chocolate coin the next day (y'know the ones in the nets).

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Tue 20-Oct-09 22:16:14

Thanks everyone. She fell asleep, or rather, passed out about 30 seconds before DH came in. He has now gone back out again hmm probably for the best as I need to sleep myself now.

They said at nursery that she bumped her head today, but had been fine all day since. Maybe she had a headache because of that. Oh now i feel really awful.

I know she is sensing everything. As cargirl touched upon, some things have been additionally stressful in the pavlov home for some time, but she has coped so so well with it all, and she is excited about the baby. I tell her all the time how proud I am of her, and how I will always love her as much as I do now.

I have tried stickers. Her nursery key worker gave me a sticker for her to try to entice her to the car, did not work and I have tried to talk about how pleased they are with her at nursery and how pleased I would be if she goes to sleep and she can have the sticker if she settles.

I cannot put her into her own room. She has no room at the moment, but that is about to change, in a week max but for now she is in with us which is not helping.

Poor thing. We have really stuffed things for her. This was meant to be a happy time for her and she is struggling now.

I am pleased that people say it will get easier. I do not expect it to be easy with 2 children, I am preparing for hard work. But it just seems impossible right now. And I hate her feeling so bad towards me. She is my little baby and I want to be her lovely mama. feel like I am letting her down.

Washersaurus Tue 20-Oct-09 22:22:17

I think those are natural feelings tbh - I know I certainly felt like I was taking something away from DS1 IYSWIM?

It is very hard with two children compared to one, but not as impossible as it feels towards the end of your second pregnancy!

Maybe it would help to get your DD involved in choosing little things for her room when it is ready?

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Tue 20-Oct-09 22:27:16

washeraus - nowhere to put it all yet! I still have not got half the stuff for the baby until the rooms are sorted. Just need to do a bit more painting then at the weekend we should start to get some order going on. That will help things. But, you are right, she needs some more involvement. She is looking forward to 'our family' room becoming her bedroom (we are moving into new loft room) and a friend is painting a muriel on the wall which she is helping to design, fairies, trees etc. I have promised her a chair, rug and fairy dolls house. Hopefully we can shop for it next week.

I just want to now go in and wake her up and tell her I am sorry for yelling and that I love her. I don't want the last thing she thinks before sleep being angry at me and me at her. But she is right by my head when I go to bed and will wake in the night, so i shall tell her then.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Tue 20-Oct-09 22:35:33

Thanks for calming me down with reassurances. I just had a major wobble, feel much better now. DH and I are cool too, just told him to go back to friends (playing xbox) and I will go to bed.

DD is not at nursery tomorrow so I shall do something fun with her, instead of tidying up a very chaotic home!

Night night all x

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Thu 22-Oct-09 08:19:59

Another bad day yesterday. She has just stopped doing what we ask, full stop. She woke at 7am so was tired, she was grumpy, argumentative, she is answering back, shouting, stamping, crying, saying No to everything we ask, demanding things, ignoring us.

She had a nap at 1pm, was a good girl at hospital and a pain at the shops (our fault, should not have taken her) but that was to be expected. By early evening she was impossible to handle, she would not eat her tea, she threw a handful of spaghetti at me as she did not want it, and when I said very firmly that was not acceptable, she picked up another handful and chucked it at me shock, slowly and to see me reaction i think. I shouted at her blush took her tea away, sat her on the quiet step for 3 mins. When i went back and asked her why she threw food at me, she said 'i just did not want it mama, i wanted you to have it' yeah right!

Anyway, she apologised, we cuddled, i was still really wound up, we got ready for bed, she settled, we cuddled and i told her i loved her and how special she was to me, then she needed a poo, took ages, the refused to sleep until 8:45pm, lots of putting back to bed, crying tears, shouting. She woke at 6:45am which normally would be fine, but she is very very tired and won't go back to sleep.

She woke with a cough, so i have given her calpol (well ibruprofen actually as out of calpol), maybe she is coming down with something and is why she is so impossible?

She has never been like this before, she has the odd moment in a day, but not like this, its like a different child suddenly.

cpanda Thu 22-Oct-09 10:42:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

8oreighty Thu 22-Oct-09 10:44:27

Sounds absolutely horrible, but this is the worst of it. There are those awful moments of total chaos. Kids sense when you are not up to it, if I'm ill mine play up like crazy, or if they know I'm stressed. Also its still a hard age, 3, you'll be fine, things will get better. But how awful!!

TigerFeet Thu 22-Oct-09 10:48:29

poor you pavlov, sounds grim

no advice re dd, my own 5yo's behaviour has deteriorated since the arrival of dd2

however...

I have felt so much better due to not being pregnant, not being sick and being able to eat properly, that I can cope so much better than I ever thought I would be able to

as soon as the goddam placenta came out I was a new woman

you will be fine

viennesewhirl Thu 22-Oct-09 11:31:08

Pavlov, just wanted to let you know that when I was pregnant with ds2, ds1 (3.5 at the time) started really playing up badly - tantrums (which he'd never had before, we never went through the terrible twos), screaming, hurling full yogurt pots across the room, lying on the floor sobbing etc. etc.

He was always ecstatic and excited about the new baby, we followed his lead with regards to talking about it, so we were susprised that he was acting up so dramatically - and what for us seemed so out of character. We were also worried, like you are, and I was exhausted.

A friend of mine (pediatrician) said the same thing happened with her daughter when she was pregnant, and she took her to a child psychologist, who said what you suspect, basically - the child senses big change afoot and doesn't know how to express what they're feeling. Isn't even conscious of it.

ANYWAY - db is now 7.5 mo and ds' behaviour went back to normal with the birth so that I'd actually forgotten about it until I read your post! He loves his baby brother and we've had no issues with jealousy or anything, and no more wild tantrums/excessive defiant behaviour. So I expect you'll find all this will pass when db arrives.

Also - I find life with two much easier than with one - ds is old enough to talk to/reason with - he'll sit and look at a book for 10 minutes if I need him to, so it's not like running around after two babies. I think the change from 0-1 baby was MUCH harder than 1-2 because you're just in the groove already. Used to no lie-ins etc.!

Good luck and look after yourself.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Thu 22-Oct-09 21:11:30

Thanks all. I really appreciate your posts and sad cpanda that you are experiencing the same thing. I hope you managed to have a better night tonight...

Well DD was an absolute joy today hmm, i mean, there were the odd defiant moments, the odd moment when i thought we would lose her to the world of tantrums, but no, she seemed to ride through. She was happier, although still very exciteable today, jumping around a lot with tons of energy, hard to keep occupied, but happy at least.

We have had a relative come to stay, BIL who she has not seen for years, so she was excited about that i think, and she entertained him, and then he wanted to buy her a little treat, so we went to toys r us and he let her pick out a toy, which she was very pleased about - a fifi doll which she took to bed with her.

She went to sleep, no problems, but then woke an hour later, sweating and hot, coughing. Think she has a bug of some kind, she would not settle until i promised to come to bed (pleased as I am knackered!!), and as soon as i snuggled beside her in my bed her little eyelids closed.

Not sure what is going on, but she was better today at least.

Comma2 Fri 23-Oct-09 15:37:44

Sounds awful, Pavlov. sad Seems like her little world is really upset. My dd is acting up too, but nothing like it (also is only 20 m).

It may help putting her feelings into words for her, so she feels understood and isn't so frustrated. Just put into words what you think she might really feel and let her say yes or no to it until you've hit on something. Like with adults, acknowledgment of feelings can be all it takes to make little kids feel better.

nowwearefour Fri 23-Oct-09 15:45:23

Just to say that as your dd has turned 3 i think you may be at a place where you have to choose between a lunchtime nap and settling in the evening. a horrible choice i know but for me i chose settling early in the evening. my dd1 was happy enough to nap always in the day but as soon as she hit 3 she would be up wandering around at bedtime until 9pm ish. Once I canned the nap, she was good as gold, out like a light. There will be a cranky transition stage but you can prob get away with putting her to bed even at 6.30 or something with no nap. but maybe you need the rest in the day (although if she is at preschool maybe you could get through to bedtime?). It really sounds to me like she doesnt need hte nap any more. I have been there but with another child you dont get much of a rest when the daytime nap happens anyway so not so much of a loss!

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 23-Oct-09 17:23:38

nowhere DD has not napped in the day for over a year, apart from recently when she falls asleep due to sheer exhaustion. Problem is, no matter how tired she is, no matter how early we try to set her routine, she has never gone to sleep before 7:30pm, and her normal sleep is 8pm, has been ever since she was a baby. Unfortunately, even now with being so tired, she will not sleep until 9pm or so some evenings, no matter how exhausted she is sad.

5:30am she was awake this morning. DH and I are having some disagreement about how to handle it...

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 23-Oct-09 17:24:55

nowerarefour i got your name so wrong grin sleep deprivation you see!

nowwearefour Sat 24-Oct-09 20:08:02

oh gosh i see- sorry. yes is a prob. i have similar issues with my dd2 so have sympathy with you. maybe clocks changing might help swing the earlier to bedtime thing?

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