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My daughter is a Terminator. Any help is much appreciated. (LONG)

(13 Posts)
DamonBradleylovesPippi Fri 16-Oct-09 21:19:24

I have got two dds. Dd1 was and still is very obedient, sensitive and docile.
DD2 is her opposite. She is assertive, confident and aggressive.

I mentioned them both not as much as to compare them but to make you understand why I am a bit mistified and at loss. As I never had problem with dd1 I thought I sassed it hmm. (You are allowed to laugh away now).

Dd2 is the funniest thing and very independent and adventurous. She is also stubborn and wants to do things her way (am I talking about myself here wink).

Here's the main problem - she can be quite aggressive towards other children. Now, she is only 19 months but it becomes embarassing, for me, and annoying for others to be around her because she seems to scare other children, even older ones.

Example: at playarea. DD2 scans the territory around her. Sees girl with toy pram. Walk all puffed up (like a cobra) towards girl. Gets very close and stares at her in the eye. Makes loud noise. Lift her hand and ... either grabs pram forcefully or gently hits or pretends to hit (which has same effect) said child.

I always tell her off and explain. If I catch her in time and tell her something she stops straight away. She also go in 'Time Out' and she understands why and always goes and say sorry.

It seems to me that this is the way she reacts when faced with something she cannot deal with or is ovewhelemd, in the same way her sister used to stand there crying calling me.

However while everybody laugh at her terminator ways, especially because she so doesn't look it, I can see that it becomes a bit annoying to the parents of the children she terrifies.

Is there anything else I could do? Is it a phase?

DamonBradleylovesPippi Fri 16-Oct-09 21:21:14

apologies for mistakes by trying to write as fast as I could.

Fillyjonk Fri 16-Oct-09 21:29:16

Ah, I think she is 19 months and that that is not very old.

I don't think aggression at 19 months is a portent of later aggresive behaviour at all.

I am impressed you can get a 19 month old to say sorry. My 19 month old wouldn't have a scooby what that meant.

I think in practical terms, if you have a rather physical 19 month old, you need to stay with her an anticipate stressful/trigger situations. But honestly, don't stress too much. She can't really cause much damage and what other parents will want is to know you are taking it seriously.

DamonBradleylovesPippi Fri 16-Oct-09 21:39:42

Yes you are prob right, maybe I am just trying to find an magic trick so that I peacefully can sit and read book while she entertain herself at playgroups.
And I do constantly watch her and anticipate her intention and moves. I then stop her or wait and see how she deals with it.

Oh she has known for a loooong time what she should and shouldn't do. And she is very good at apologiesing, she normally gives a cuddle or kiss or, recently say it.

TheBolter Fri 16-Oct-09 21:47:20

Damon, you've called us over from the namby-pamby parenting thread and I have to say I've chuckled at this because your dds remind me of my two dds, age 5 and 4.

I have to say it isn't easy living with a strong minded little tough nut, and with dd2 it has always felt like a real slog teaching her gentleness while at the same time not quashing her confidence and natural spirit.

My only advice is to keep persisting in your efforts... it's when people give up and say 'oh but he/she's so spirited there's nothing I can do' that it all goes pete tong.

Dd2 is a very strong minded and somewhat demanding tomboy but she has also blossomed into an amazingly affectionate, caring and self-confident little thing, especially over the last six months.

Be strict, there's nothing wrong in showing her who's boss, but give her lots of lovely cuddles and encourage her spirited side by going for lots of active tumbles in the garden and letting her dress up etc and playing make believe. Have fun, but keep a grip on the situ because it sounds like you've got a real fire cracker there!

DamonBradleylovesPippi Fri 16-Oct-09 21:57:50

theBolter yes she is exactly like your dd2. She is so lovely and she's loved by all. She makes everybody laugh and is a real cracker. owever because of that I realise that sometimes you might just do that mistakes you loathe other people when they do it: the "Oh she is mad this one" and laugh. Which is okay at times but not when she has just stolen someone's toy and bashed them when they got close.
I do not want her to change, like I don;t want my genlt soul dd1 to change. However I do want to be invited over and I want her to be liked rather than feared.

I was discussing it with my husband and yes we must make sure that we are on top of it all the time in re to the serious matter like hitting, standing on the highchair or pram, running away etc.

Oh and as for running wild an all: she's welcome to it. Luckily I've always preferred tomboys to girly girly princesses.

TheBolter Fri 16-Oct-09 22:06:49

Damon, good for you! It sounds as if you have a really positive and caring attitude, not just towards your dd but also towards the other potential victims children!

I hope that doesn't sound patronising btw, I just think you've got the right idea (in my opinion!)

DamonBradleylovesPippi Fri 16-Oct-09 22:09:57

oh no not patronising at all.

Yes I do think about other children because I know how they feel as DD1 was always one of them. Also I can see the fear in their eyes when she approaces grin.

DamonBradleylovesPippi Fri 16-Oct-09 22:12:22


Anyway what gets to me is this. I am quite strict and I tell my children off and I want them to behave properly and be respectful. DD1 made me believe I was soo good and now dd2 makes me look like those middle-clas namby-pamby parent I have always rolled eyes at!!

Lizzylou Fri 16-Oct-09 22:12:32

This is so funny, because my DS1 and DS2 sound exactly like your DD's.
DS2 is now 3.5yrs old and still has no fear of other children, is amazingly stubborn still but does play beautifully with other children.

With his brother? Umm, not so much.

He is just so amazingly independant and confident which is wierd as DH, me and DS1 are not at all. If DS2 doesn't want to do something, he won't. He spent all of last weeks swim lesson making star shapes instead of kicking his legs and doing what the instructor wanted.

I use 1,2,3 and confiscating favourite toys, which works in the short term. BUt, I very much feel like this is his nature. As long as he learns to control it, I am a little in awe if I am honest blush

hugmeandcatchthelurgi Fri 16-Oct-09 22:15:29

Youve just described my 2 DDs! DD2 is 20months and very very willful wink Im picking my battles as i feel like im constantly saying no... we are using the naughty step which seems to work ok at the moment, if shes doing something naughty (like climbing onto tables/attempting to steal the dvd player) i tell her no and warn her if she does it again its the naughty step and she seems to get it, but shes so cheeky...

Anything aggressive (she likes scratching/slapping) she goes straight to the step and it seems to of improved... fingers crossed!

She just seems to be attracted to trouble!

DamonBradleylovesPippi Fri 16-Oct-09 22:27:59

Ahhh relief. I am not the only one!!!! smile
hugmeandcatchthelurgi same approach here as well. fingers crossed then. I am relieved that it wasn't me NOT doing something.

We are all slightly in awe of course and admire her. She is incredible in the things she already does and is teaching dd1 how to be more resilient as well. I would not want to change her for the world but I do want her to be able to manage her frustrations and channel it in a better way. Problem is that at this stage although she understand everything she obviously won't understand a long chat.

And yes she does what she wants to do. If you tell her something is hot for example she will want to check it herself and puts her hand close and if not too hot she will touch it; she will then retract her hand saying "ayayay" while looking at you with beaming smile as if to say "yes you were right, this time!". Dd1 on the other hand always always believed me and my word was more than enough for her.

Lizzylou Fri 16-Oct-09 22:59:27

Damon, she will learn about playing nicely with other children, DS2 has.
He knows how to get his way, and he know he gets nowhere by acting "the thug" which he used to. Nowadays, he is very popular and children are drawn to him, even DS1's friends just love him. He is just so open and confident.
She is still so young, you are doing all the right things. DS2 is responsible for most of my (disguised) grey hairs, but he is smart enough to know now where he can flex his muscles and where he needs to use his charm.

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