At wits' end with 3.5 yr old DD.......

[lizzytee]

......who half throttled her best friend at nursery this morning. They have a lovely friendship and quite often play boisterously - I or her friend's mum will intervene if things look like getting out of hand.

All handled very well by the nursery, and the other mum (who is a close friend) is ok about it.

I'm very, very upset though....DD1 is a strong willed child and just does not seem to listen when asked/told to be gentle (or not to be rough). She is very physical with both adults and children (although gentle on the whole with babies). DD2 is six months old so this is certainly an element, although overt aggression was mostly directed at me, including deliberately trying to hurt me - not fun as I had a long recovery due to emcs.

After being told about today's incident, I spoke to her quietly and firmly, telling her that if she treats other children this way they will not be her friend, and that I am very sad and upset about her behaviour. I do smack her on occasion but not for this - it didn't seem appropriate.

I don't feel as if I am getting through to her, I worry that she is so wilful and not particularly empathic to others, I'm tired, angry, fed up of being treated as a punchbag by her and feel like the shittest mother in the world......

[TheProvincialLady]

I do think that anyone who smacks their child shoots themself in the foot re the 'hitting people is wrong' message. I think if it were me I would stop smacking and explain why...then model better ways of getting people to do what you want them to do/venting frustration etc.

Having said that, I don't smack my DC but DS1 (now 3.2) went through a long aggressive phase which we - touch wood - seem to have come out of. I take a no tolerance stance on boistrous play at the moment because I just don't feel he is mature enough to draw a line between what is ok and what isn't, and it quite often seems to end in tears. The only thing I did was keep DS away from situations which I knew would inflame him and when he did hit, took him away straight away and explained why. It did feel like I was a terrible mother and that nothing I did made a difference. I am sure you are not the shittest mother in the world but just fairly shit, like most of us

[lizzytee]

at TPL. I hear what you say re smacking, I did not think I would do it and I do not feel good about it, and am also aware of how sensitive a subject it is. I am just ashamed that it seems to be the only disciplinary tactic that DD1 takes any notice of.

Food for thought