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what to do with DD 8 who is getting reputation as a crybaby?

(6 Posts)
mrshibbins Wed 14-Oct-09 14:18:58

background - I usually refer to SD 8 as DD as she lives with us all the time and I am very much a mum to her and she only very rarely / irregularly sees her BM.

It seems to happen at least once or twice every day, not just at home but at school, at play, at friends houses and in public. If she can't get her way or is reprimanded she bursts into loud noisy tantrum tears and stomps off, screaming YOU HATE ME YOU HATE ME and quite often lashing out also.

It's earning her a reputation as a baby amongst her friends ... but conversely she is also doing a bit of bullying too ...

Quite often it's the culmination of pushing me and her Dad to the limit when she's been asked to do something and ignoring the request over and over. E.g. last night bedtime came and we asked her to go to bed - she ignored, asked again - ignored, told to do so - mucked about and ignored etc several times until finally she was picked up and carried - screaming and kicking - to her room, and then doing the whole YOU HATE ME bit.

It seems to me like she's unconsciously PUSHING for this to happen, because she's very insecure about her mum, and is always looking for confirmation that she is unloved, and pushes situations to where she feels that she IS unloved. For her, being reprimanded about ANYTHING is proof.

I always sit down with her when she has calmed down and explain that I LOVE HER and always will but that i do not like how she is behaving. Then she is contrite and so sorry and apologetic. But we seem to be having this conversation almost every day.... and she just can't seem to stop herself.

We're not overstrict btw, and she does get lots of love and 1on1 time, but it's never quite enough for her ...

TBH it's quite exhausting ... and her frequent and noisy tears stand out as unusual in her peer group.

Does anyone have any tips??

MatNanPlus Wed 14-Oct-09 14:24:24

could be way out of the field but could you preface any requests with

You : "Now DD you know I/We love you don't you"

DD : "Yes"

You : "Now i need / want you to do x,y,z because ........"

Might be a daft idea but brings out in the open the thing that she is having issues with?

mrshibbins Wed 14-Oct-09 14:31:08

Gosh it would be tiring to preface every single request like that MatNanPlus, but the initial requests are never stern, more like

- darling, it's bedtime now, come and give me a big kiss and cuddle, then go up and get your jimjams on and get into bed. me and daddy will be up at 8 for lights out - etc etc

there are always lots of 'love yous' as she says it frequently and i think compulsively ...

MatNanPlus Wed 14-Oct-09 14:51:54

I can see you point but maybe you wouldn't have to do it everytime?

Apart from a 5 minute warning for things like that i haven't a clue.

Miggsie Wed 14-Oct-09 15:07:40

I know she is quite young but I'd seriously consider some form of therapy to deal with her self esteem...it sounds like she wants to be reassured of love constantly which suggests she has "fears of abandonment".

I always remember that bit in Jurassic Park where the young girl is in shock and says "he left us! He left us!" and the man replies "but that's not what I'm going to do." and rescues the kids.

For some reason your post really reminded of that scene and how traumatised the little girl was, which is why I suggested you look at the root cause and build her emotional strength from the ground up rather than try to cope with the behaviour that this mind set is producing right now.

mrshibbins Wed 14-Oct-09 15:26:45

i am wondering that too miggsie. i've tried the good old fashioned firm but fair and ALWAYS THERE approach, but i think she needs more than that ... because for all the consistent but loving approach she still is in many ways a bottomless pit of neediness.

poor poor kid. but sometimes, when I'M tired and stressed, it's hard to cope with it all...

I wonder if I should have a chat with the kids counsellor at her school

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