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I am just so angry tonight. DD age 5 has never done anything like this before! I feel such a failure. Sorry long.

(120 Posts)
eleanorsmum Fri 09-Oct-09 19:34:26

DD is 5 and a really good girl. Bright, loves life and school. I'm preg with no.2 due in 4.5 weeks. DD is sooooooooooooooo excited about the baby. I work at dd's school as a ta in her class mornings only (might not be relevant but thought i'd add it in). She is doing really well, just settled into year 1 no probs. She is a sensible girl and loved by many.

BUT today I picked her up from school as normal but when i strapped her into her car seat i noticed two small nicks in the bottom hem of her school jumper. I asked her what happeend and she said 'child n' did it. I asked how she did not notice him doing it adn she said i was concentrating. I was a little sceptical of this answer and told her we'd talk about it later as we had friends in the car coming for tea (adult and child). didn't want to cause a scene. Left it till after tea and they'd gone and we'd read her readingbook. So she's sat on my lap having cuddles and i asked her again about the cuts (i had earlier noticed another cut on the cuff). She told me again it was 'child n' and she had her jumper off behind her on the chair. I asked agin how she didn't notice it and she squrimed a bit. I then asked if she was telling the truth because she would be in more toruble if she was making up stories. Again she said it was 'child n'. I said ok I will need to ahve a chat with the teacher on monday and find out if she saw anything. I said she had till monday to decide if it was her or 'child n'. She then wobbled and said i think it was me! At this point i hit the roof! she has never lied about anything as serious as this beofre. I told her to go uopstairs straight to bed. I follwed her up and she is now sobbing her heart out. i got angry and cross with her. got her sorted for bed did her medications and then we talked again. I told her how angry i was with her for lying and not respecting her clothes, about mummy and daddy working hard for her toys and clothes and this was not good at all. Also how bad it would have been for mummy to go in on monday to confrotn someone else about cutting her clothes when it was her! She was genuinely sorry and disturbed by her behaviuor, told me she felt sick. I told her that was guilt. She hugged me and sobbed and told me she was so sorry. I told her she would lose half her pocket money each week till she had paid for a new jumper. Settled her inot bed and she's now asleep.

Came dwon and broke my heart with dh. neither of us can believe she lied about this or did it in the first place. I feel so angry and such a failure as a parent. my heart is going and i feel sick which i know is not good for th baby.

Have i issued a suitable punishment? and how can i stop feeling so crap as a parent right now? Thanks for reading and getting the end of this rant.

SmokingKnickers0nMahead Fri 09-Oct-09 19:37:15

Sorry but I think this was a big OTT. So she cut her clothes and lied about it, fair enough, they are both wrong, but so is you 'hitting the roof' with her.

Romanarama Fri 09-Oct-09 19:38:14

Get a grip! It's completely normal. What she meant was that she realised she shouldn't have done it and she wished that it had been child n, so said it in the hope that would make it true.

Why does a 5yo get pocket money? That's a bit early imo.

cockles Fri 09-Oct-09 19:38:43

It sounds over the top to me, tbh. It sounds like she has got the message of why you're angry. I would darn the jumper (why buy a new one?) and stop her from using scissors at home for a while (on the basis that you can't trust her with them) But why on earth should this mean you've failed as a parent? I can see it's a shock - it sounds like she is a very 'good' child generally - but really, no-one has failed. She is still just learning the rules. Five is not very old at all.

scroobiuspirate Fri 09-Oct-09 19:38:53

totally ott

the half your pocket money thing especially.

go back to her and say what she did was wrong but you really needed to see how she is and give her a hug.

she obviously knew she'd done wrong and that's why she blamed it on someone else. she might have done is when she was under stress, or upset, if you say it's out of character.

Peabody Fri 09-Oct-09 19:39:52

I'm with Smoking. You are overreacting, sorry. Have you read the thread on here at the moment about the stupid things kids do? Half of that is playing with scissors; every kid wants to cut up things.

Blame the pregnancy hormones and forget all about it

Hullygully Fri 09-Oct-09 19:40:03

Completely OTT. Sometimes their curiosity gets the better of them, partic if they're normally good. It would have been a better idea to suggest she not do it again as it was a bit silly and leave it at that. Also, she's hardly likely to tell you the truth next time, is she?

choufleur Fri 09-Oct-09 19:40:52

think you've got a bit OTT. she's probably a bit confused about her feeling about the new baby. I think taking half her pocket money for weeks is a bit much. How long will it take for her to 'pay' for it? You'll still be punishing her weeks from now.

think OTT, kids lie, especially at this age, and yes she shouldnt have cut her clothes, and i would make her wear them, but dont you remember how fun it was to cut material? goodness me i still love doing it now blush

hippipotamiHasLost69lbs Fri 09-Oct-09 19:42:19

I think you went over the top, sorry. What she did is completely normal for that age group (read this thread to see what other darlings get up to here)

I think you coming down the stairs and 'breaking your heart with dh' is a bit of an over-reaction.
That said it is a shock when your dc does something naughty and you are also heavily pregnant and a bit hormonal so I can understand where you are coming from.

But I think your punishment - the hitting the roof bit and making her sob was a bit much. And at age 5 she would not be feeling sick with guilt, more likely from crying so hard.

So put it behind you, give her a hug and a cuddle tomorrow and move on.

lisasimpson Fri 09-Oct-09 19:42:26

kids this age do lie, particularly if they think they will be in touble for telling the truth! in the bigger scheme of things this really isn't 'serious' at all.

LIZS Fri 09-Oct-09 19:42:33

I understand your disappointment with the lyign btu sh eis 5, you are hormonal and she is abotu to have a new sibling, she caved before you got anyone else involved. Can't you just repair the jumper and move on ? Why are you a failure ? you weren't even there .

morethanyoubargainfor Fri 09-Oct-09 19:42:48

i agree with smokingknickers, completly OTT, for heavens sake get a grip. She is 5. Surely a chat about respecting things would have surficed, no need 'to hit the roof' or send her straight to bed IMHO.

allaboutme Fri 09-Oct-09 19:43:04

god thats so normal and you are lucky she has never done anything like up till now.
You are shocked because you havent experienced this kind of experimenting before but you did definitely go OTT

I'd go and see if she is ok and also praise her for admitting the truth to you even though she was scared and feeling bad. It will help her see that telling the truth even when its difficult will be the right thing to do in futiure

TheFallenMadonna Fri 09-Oct-09 19:43:24

She told you the truth when she thought someone else would get into trouble. She's not a sociopath and I think you have been unduly harsh.

eleanorsmum Fri 09-Oct-09 19:43:26

great, now i feel even worse. shes asleep now so can't give her my apology. I'm prob feeling worse because of being preg.

I will be darning the jumper anyway.

She earns pocket money by being helpful. 5 is not too young to learn that.

the little boy she accused is very silly and does daft things so it makes sense that she wished it was him. i'm sad that she couldn't be honest with me but maybe she doesn't 'get it' yet. lets hope this is the last. dh wanted to stop her swimming lesson tom but i said no she'd had her punishment. i think not using scissors at home for a while would work too.

Heated Fri 09-Oct-09 19:43:30

You're very lucky to have such a good dd if this is the extent of her villainy!

She's repentant & upset. Don't dock her pocket money. She's learnt her lesson, there really is no need to mention it again or drag the punishment out.

Guad Fri 09-Oct-09 19:43:43

She's only five. Cutting things with scissors is pretty irresistable at that age. Obviously it's wrong and she shouldn't have lied but I might have lied if I thought you'd be that angry!

Things are probably stressful for you atm but there are big changes for her too. Give her a hug in the morning and ask her not to do it again and let it go.

MmeGoblindt Fri 09-Oct-09 19:44:08

Sorry, I agree with the previous posters. You completely overreacted.

1. It is not at all unusual for DC of that age to cut clothes/hair/duvet covers. You name it, they do it.

2. It is experimenting, showing an interest. If I do X what happens, and how will mummy react. Completely normal.

3. Hitting the roof as you did will only achieve one thing. Next time she will not tell you the truth.

4. Your reaction, IMO, should have been, "Well, DD I am really quite cross with you as that is your school jumper and it is not good to cut it up. But I am glad that you told me the truth."

5. Are you really going to cut her pocket money?

I am sorry if this makes you feel even worse but it needs to be said. It is not going to the last time your child lies to you.

Sam100 Fri 09-Oct-09 19:44:28

I think this is a normal stage of development. Up to 5ish they can't lie because they do not understand that you do not know exactly the same information as they know in their head (if that makes sense?!). But now they become aware that you do not necessarily know what they know and so they can give you whatever information they want - either by leaving information out or changing information.

I think you have done the right thing to say that lying is wrong and deliveratley damaging clothees is wrong but that perhaps you were a bit OTT in the amount of punishment (expecting her to pay for it out of pocket money) - but that is your decision as a parent and having said it I think you need to see it through now.

We always try and emphasise that we will be more cross about finding out about lies than we will be if they own up to something in the first place. Although sometimes it is hard to remember that when they are confessing to something like who drew in felt tip all over the wall grin!

morningpaper Fri 09-Oct-09 19:44:36

I think she did really well to tell the truth TBH, which must have been hard for her

I think you should calm down and apologise and tell her that she did really well for telling the truth, but explain why you are angry i.e. she lied and it will cost money

My DD seems to EAT her jumper sleeves though - TBH I would just sew it up

SleepingLion Fri 09-Oct-09 19:44:40

Your poor DD sad

Surely at the point she was hugging you and sobbing and saying she felt sick, you were soothing her and comforting her and telling her how much you loved her even though she told a fib?? sad

WartoScreamo Fri 09-Oct-09 19:46:05

Agree OTT. My 5 yo fibs about everything. Apparently on Monday there a demonstration of their circus skills for all the parents and she has to look extra pretty. Except there isn't. And her classroom is on the top floor and you have to go in the lift. Except it isn't. Ad infinitum.

She was naughty to cut her jumper. One week's pocket money should suffice. Then calm down and have some wine chocolate.

MmeGoblindt Fri 09-Oct-09 19:46:11

Sorry, I was really harsh and did not see your last post.

Take a deeep breath, have a big cup of tea and a some chocolate/biscuit and let it go.

Tell her in the morning that you are sorry that you shouted and then let it go.

She is not going to be scarred for life.

madwomanintheattic Fri 09-Oct-09 19:46:20

lol. she just did something daft and then (because she's so sensible etc etc) realised it was a dumb thing to do. my dd1 wrote her name on the wall at the same age (having never ever done anything like it before) and then claimed it was her brother (who couldn't hold a pencil or reach that high tbh. not exactly a sophisticated response, but she was only 5 lol)

all kids try a bit of a white lie once as it seems like an easier option at the time (all part of testing boundaries). she wasn't trying to get n into trouble, and was almost certainly not planning on chopping her clothes up again, realising how dumb it was...

all done now. forget it. i suspect she won't be trying the 'x did it' line in future. an absolutely run-of-the-mill familial developmental encounter for all of you. smile

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