Stopping my 9 yr old DD from coming into our bed

[Ruby40]

I have 2 DD, 9 and 6. Every night for the past 2 years my 9 yr old DD has come into our bed in the early/middle of the night to sleep. Up until now one of us has got up in our sleep and groggily walked into her bed to carry on sleeping. I know we have totally compounded the problem but am now looking for help on how to stop this. She knows she shouldn't do this, we have tried sticker charts and we are now deducting pocket money when she comes in. The trouble is in the middle of the night when she comes in and we try and get her back to bed she solidly says no, no and no! She shares a bed room with her sister and I am worried that any battles to get her back to bed will result in her sister waking up and WW III breaking out at some awful hour. Does anyone have any suggestions as it is really starting to get to us, neither my DH or I sleep well in her bed.
Grateful for any help, I appreciate we have probably 'made a rod for our own backs' but we can't turn back the clocks!

[koninklijke]

Absolutely stay in your own bed. Make her come round to your side of the bed- refuse to let her climb in between you and your DH and make her lie next to you at the edge of the bed. Give her hardly any room (you may want to put a couple of cushions on the floor just in case and hold her really tightly so she has no wriggle room and close your eyes and resolutely pretend to be asleep. she will get immensely uncomfortable and hopefully got back to her own comfy bed. if she gets out of your bed and tries to climb on the middle/your DH's side, repeat the routine. It might work. Also- what bedding do you have on your bed, feather, down, synthetic? whats it like on hers? The same? consider getting her the same type, even the same duvet covers but for single beds, so she feels like she'd getting the same deal. Just some thoughts that may work.

[juuule]

As she is 9, could you just speak to her and ask her what the problem is with her staying in her own bed all night?

Then you could make moves to address the problem.
If she's frightened, see what you could do to ease that. Maybe a put-you-up type bed next to yours, maybe one of you go into her room and lie with her a while to settle her again or maybe she could think of something that would help.

If it's just that she likes your bed maybe see what you can do to make hers as comfortable and explain that you are not sleeping well with her disturbing you.

It might just be habit and she doesn't realise the effect it's having.

I think talk to her first and find out why she's coming into your bed.

[Dominique07]

Not that I'm suggesting you try it - but I remember opening the door to my parents room and my Dad joking that if I came into the bedroom I'd be getting an early sex education... My mum wasn't happy, but it definitely put me off!
(When my dad was home anyway)

[ElenorRigby]

She's 9, not pre-school. She needs to be told this will not be happening for much more, as it is unacceptable behaviour for a child of 9. Do though pick your time to sort this.
Half term is coming up, could you and your DH take that week off, to take time to sort this challenge? The reason of course for taking time off at half term all of the family will be able to recover from night time disturbance without the pressure of having to go to work/school.
In the weeks up to half term, talk to her. Ask her what the problem is. If she is fearful of the dark, monsters or whatever allay those fears as they come.
If she just wants to be in your bed for cuddles/habit/whatever.... bide your time until half term and then sort it.

[mrshibbins]

Hi Ruby40 - any progress yet?

I had to sort this problem out with DSD (now 8) two years ago - for a variety of reasons (long story) she totally refused to go to sleep in her own bed and hadn't been made to do so.

I finally got her going to sleep in her own bed by getting into it with her and staying there until she fell asleep (major struggles). I made a plan, stuck to it, and eased myself out of her bed gradually over around 6 months.

But she still used to charge in and leap into our bed at the most inopportune moments and several times saying 'eewww why are the sheets all sticky?"

After a year long process she finally happily sleeps in her own bed, and now understands that if dad and SMs bedroom door is shut, that she has to knock and be given the go ahead to come in!

Still a struggle sometimes getting her to stay in her room after lights out (she tries every trick in the book and several new ones I expect) but so much better than it was.