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Friends ds (7) has been 'messing' with her dd (3)

(13 Posts)
confusedmate Thu 09-Jun-05 00:06:49

Her dd said that ds had been tickling her down there Iykwim. When mate gently talked to ds, he got all exasperated and said dd had told him to. It was mate's ex dh that told my mate that dd had said this (about the tickling). My mate doesn't have a pooter and asked me to post on here as she knows I've had good advice. I think her main concern is what to do? Think she's scared to approach HV as they've had problems in the past but unrelated to this. DD is v articulate for her age and when asked when he does this said 'in her room' and 'lots of times'.

BTW I'm a regular poster but feel the need to change my name as it's such a sensitive subject.

handlemecarefully Thu 09-Jun-05 00:12:46

Umm personally I would be happier discussing this if you used your real name. I appreciate that this is a sensitive subject, but it's not like it's your daughter you are discussing iyswim?

handlemecarefully Thu 09-Jun-05 00:14:39

How old is the dd?

Ulysees Thu 09-Jun-05 00:17:23

Yes you're right I'll use my own name it's just it's making me feel a bit sick tbh. I know it's probably just innocent but this family have been through the mill and there's so much going on. My poor mate has such a hard time it's one thing after another for her.

dd is 3 and he's 8 in november.

handlemecarefully Thu 09-Jun-05 00:30:18

Sorry for doubting you Ulysees - but you can't be too careful.

have a look at the following thread; there is some very relevent advice on it which might help

similar accusation from similarly aged child

handlemecarefully Thu 09-Jun-05 00:30:58

I hope you get some other responses. I'll check tomorrow and if not I'll bump the thread for you

giraffeski Thu 09-Jun-05 00:37:39

Message withdrawn

Chandra Thu 09-Jun-05 00:50:50

Well, I think that one of the main problems is to identify what really has happened, and for that reason questions should be carefully formulated so the girl don't tell you what she believes you want to to hear but what did actually happen. And from there, decide what to do. The way to do that is to ask open questions, and don't put words in her mouth, in the likes of "did X touched you here" or "did he did it in X place?", Just try not to look very solemn and let her relax so she can say what has really happened. I believe the same aproach should be taken with the boy, hear what he says and then compare it with what her sister says. And from that decide what to do. HTH

P.S. If you feel better changing your name for this thread (and start a new thread with that one), is perfectly understandable, actually it's a bit sad that everybody has to establish their credentials (being a regular) to be taken seriously and receive advise. I would never question a change of a name for such a difficult subject. (mean all this in a supportive way ;)).

CH

gothicmama Thu 09-Jun-05 07:26:16

If the children have been through the mill lately it may be in some a defence mechanism or a way of comforting each other which has now become inappropriate. I think this needs to be handled carefully to find out why the boy is doing it but in a way that he does not feel judged and then action too help can be decided on. Hopefully it will be resolved by this if not then your mate needs to find out where he has learnt this behaviour . I think until you have more information or your mate does from teh children as chranda says don't put words in their mouth don't make it into a drama

bigdonna Thu 09-Jun-05 10:09:24

this is a very delicate situation, i have a 7 yr old ds and if my dd said he had tickled her minnie,yes i would have asked him why and of cause he would get funny because he probably knew it was wrong,but maybe was curious.i think your friend needs to find out what tickling is,I do hope it is a harmless game !before .Your poor friend must be having a nightmare .Is he allowed to watch grown up tv has he seen something on tv he is copying.I think i would gently try and get to the bottom of this story,before involving anyone else.

nerdgirl Thu 09-Jun-05 10:23:47

I have two boys aged 5 and 7 and they are forever playing with each others bits!

It's harmless fun and I don't want them to get a complex but I have explained that there are private parts of a persons body and that no one, not even their brother, is allowed to touch them in such a way as to hurt them or make them feel uncomfortable.

I think at this age it probably is innocent curiousity or not being conditioned yet to the boundaries we and our society put on access to our bodies.

Blu Thu 09-Jun-05 10:30:56

It is hihjly likely that this is 100% innocent, isn't it/ me and my brother, and also frinends were always fiddling with each other - and I know many friends whose 3 year old daughters are well aquainted9from own exploration) with the 'tickly feeling' and would be very likely to ask someone else to join in.

Unless your friend has reason to suspect that the boys interest has been sparked by something other than innocent curiosity and play, I think she should leave well alone. If she does have worries about him learning it from someone older and with unhealthy intentions, then she should take real action - but I'm not the best person to suggest what.

tbh, I am worried about a whole generation of small children traumatised from having adult perceptions of abuse laid at their door. Of course i don't mean that to undermine any genuine concerns about real abuse, but not all fiddling with bits is unnatural, abusive or dodgy, is it?

Ulysees Sat 11-Jun-05 09:47:06

Thank you so much for your responses, I'm sure they will make my mate feel more at ease

I agree that this is probably just part of growing up. His mum has been very gentle with him thank God as he doesn't need any more trauma in his little life. I just hope her ex, who is his step dad, doesn't push it as he's very odd (the step dad I mean)

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