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IS DS RUDE OR SHY???

(19 Posts)
cruisemum1 Thu 01-Oct-09 20:52:09

DS 3 yo rarely responds to adults saying 'hello', 'goodbye.' At first I put it down to him being shy but some of the adults he has been in contact with for over 2 years (Playgroup Mum's etc). I do tell him to say hello/goodbye etc but he just won't. It is getting a bit embarrassing now as he is hte only one who does it! He is fine with trusted adults but now he is at preschool I really want him to get over this and be polite. Any ideas MNers?

cruisemum1 Thu 01-Oct-09 21:13:12

hello? anyone?

babyicebean Thu 01-Oct-09 21:18:33

Not sure but my 4yo has a habit of giggling at people which I think she uses to cover up her shyness.She is like it with neighbours she has known all her life and her nursery teacher said she was a very quiet reserved child who showed signs of shyness.

babbi Thu 01-Oct-09 21:20:00

My DD was like this and to be honest DH and I felt it is totally rude . Being shy is when they don't feel confident to engage in a full conversation , to refuse to give one word greetings or replies was not acceptable in our view.
We spoke firmly to DD repeatedly about it and there were punishments when she wouldn't reply to people.
She soon learned manners !
It was not easy but we felt necessary.
My brother and his wife "let" their DD away with this behaviour and she is still doing it at 10YO - ignoring people when they address her.
It infuriates people and some family members have now taken to ignoring my niece completely as they are so fed up of her silent stares and lack of communication.

babyicebean Thu 01-Oct-09 21:29:32

Just a thought but have you checked out his hearing as he may not hear people unless he is looking at them.I know I have a problem if I cant see peoples faces cos I need to see that someone is talking to me.

runnervt Thu 01-Oct-09 21:58:39

This is exactly like my 3yo ds who is shy too. He will never tell anyone his name either for some reason. I'm just hoping he will get over it as he grows up. I wouldn't say he completely ignores people he just won't say anything so hopefully it doesn't come across as that rude.

Lilyloooohhhh Thu 01-Oct-09 22:00:47

My 4 yo is just starting to say hello / goodbye at school
never would at nursery (went from 6mth old)

mrsruffallo Thu 01-Oct-09 22:02:35

He is probably shy but comes across as rude.
I think he is still young enough for it to be an excuse but nothing wrong with a little nudge in the right direction

cruisemum1 Thu 01-Oct-09 22:23:24

babbi - thanks for that. I do think we have to be a little harder on him about this. He is very bubbly, communicative and does know right from wrong for the most part so this is sounding like rudeness to me. I will take a leaf from your book. He talks to the preschool teachers just refuses to say hello and goodbye (to family he doesn't see often too)
babyicebean - thanks for comments. He defo does not have a hearing problem. He can detect the word 'sweeties' from a range of about four rooms and three storeys! grin
runnertv - ditto the name thing! ds never gives his name (perhaps he needs a secretary grin)
mrsruffalo - thanks smile

TEAINNEED Sat 03-Oct-09 00:35:05

My soon to be 4 year old is like that 2 if we walk past somone in town and stop to chat and they say hello to him he covers his face and says go away i dont like you to them it is most embarising he even does it with parents, he has on occasions been agressive towards people pusing them away ect it is something that is still going on, but am doing similar to what Babbi is doing and slowly it is getting better not by much tho..good luck you are not alone x

DandyLioness Sat 03-Oct-09 01:07:15

Message withdrawn

defineme Sat 03-Oct-09 01:11:25

It's not rude -that implies deliberate naughtiness. It's extreme self consciosness - I have it myself but swallow it because I'm an adult -I can't approach people to save my life, but I'm happy and confident after the initial greeting.
Gently excplainingh that people's feelings get hurt is the tack I take with my dd (she says 'I don't like...' too but never has a problem with whoever once she's warmed up.
You need to be supportive (I think punishment is a shit idea tbh) but make your point every time it happens, praise hugely every time they manage it, my dd is fine on home territory be cause she feels secure and I find it helps to remind her of a connection she has with someone. So I'll say 'say hello to...do you remember she's just got a rabbit' and dd will get over herself and ask aboiut whatever or the person won't care about hello because they're talking abiut their rabbit.
My dd can't stand wearing new clothes because everyone comments on them and she feels embarassed -it's a job to get her in them.I don't blame ehr -no one evr coos over ds's clothes like that!Because she's 4 not 40 the embarassment comes out as anger sometimes -yes I take her away and make her apologise, but I also acknowledge that she felt overwellmed by the attention.

pigletmania Sat 03-Oct-09 09:39:59

My dd 2.7 years is like that, but she is very babyish for her age still young IMO, she does not say very much anyway and does not talk fluently, she does say 3-4 word sentances so i hope that she will grow out of it. A lot of toddlers are like that, it does no way mean that they will grow up to be rude children, I am a stickler for manners and dh and myself teaching her please and thank you. She has started pre school only recently so is sooo shy there but hopefully will come out of herself.

I was a shy child and would hide behind my mums legs and blush if people talked to me but stop me now, i cant stop talking, so babbi not necessarily, just because your dc is like that does not mean everybodies is like that. I certainly do not expect any rudeness from my dd and she knows the word sorry if she has doen something wrong, even though i have to remind her. As they get older their social skills will develop, i am a SAHM so all dd has ever been mostly around is me so its no wonder that she is wwary of new people and kids. They usually grow out of it.

pigletmania Sat 03-Oct-09 09:45:48

Even with me or my dh she does not greet, compared to some of the other kids her speech is not as advanced, but nor was mine or my dh till we reached 3ish so genetics really. In every other way she is observant, bright, alert, intelligent. When she speech develops more so will her confidence to speak to other people

purepurple Sat 03-Oct-09 09:48:51

Saying hello or goodbye should be allowed to develop naturally.
Children learn by example, they copy what they see adults do.
Forcing children to do something will not get results.

wb Sat 03-Oct-09 10:12:12

I'm with DandyLioness on this one: I expect to hear'hello, goodbye, please and thank you' from my children, although I would use gentle insistence rather than punishment. I think at 3 shyness is an acceptable excuse.

I've never been a fan of letting manners develop naturally (although I think parents should always set an example) because it takes too long for my liking. Maybe other people's children are quicker on the uptake than mine though smile.

pigletmania Sat 03-Oct-09 10:40:21

I think that yes at 3 it is still young they are babies still really and i would not expect the same from a 3 year old as i would a 4/5 year old, even when i say hello to the boy opposite who is 6 years old i get a blank look. When i say hello to a toddler i do not expect a hello back, though its nice if they do, but understand that social skills may not be as advanced and they are still young and learning so let it go. I think that too much pressure is placed on very young children to achieve such and such by a certain stage, of course when i greet my dh and vice versa we always are polite and set a good example for dd to follow. We greet guests with a hello.

Of course if a child has not reached a stage and they are way past the age that they should be than yes it would be of concern, but social skills no they develop in time as the child gets older and more confident around people, i think generally when they start school.

pigletmania Sat 03-Oct-09 11:13:10

Oh the parents of the boy opposite are absolutely lovely and have great manners, we often go to each others houses, but when i say hello to him just clams up. I think some children even to those they know are just so shy they experience something like stagefright. We ahve a priest at church who is very unapproachable and can be very aloof, i am so shy that i dont want to say hello to him, hes really scary even at my age of 32.

twigsblankets Tue 06-Oct-09 10:45:58

Just to add, my niece would refuse to speak to family/friends etc who said hello, goodbye.

The whole family thought of it as rude tbh.

Fast forward a few years to a holiday in Disneyland, Paris, and my niece got lost. She was approached by a member of staff, who repeatedly asked her name, what was her mummy and daddy's name, to which she would not reply. She remained silent.

The member of staff then assumed that perhaps my niece didn't speak English, and he proceeded to address her in French, German and Spanish. Still no response.

20 minutes later, by pure luck, my sis who had been frantically searching for her spotted her with the member of staff, and called over to her, at which point the member of staff realised that my niece was English.

Member of staff explained that if your child refuses or cannot speak to another person, they should always always carry ID around with them, with some form of contacting the parents, no matter what age they are, since it reunites parents with children much faster.

Since this day, my sis, who had previously made excuses for niece's behaviour, saying she was tired or shy, or not feeling well etc, spoke to niece, and explained that she must speak to people if she needs help and to always be polite. My niece is ok with it now.

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