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Please help....ds just sent home from school for awful behaviour...he's just 4.

(25 Posts)
punchandjudy Thu 01-Oct-09 15:13:55

He had a good few weeks settling in, so I did begin to relax...but this week he has hurt someone everyday. And today he has hit his teacher, cut someones hair and goodness knows what else. It sounds as if he has kicked off big style. The children had to be moved out of the classroom while he was removed from it.

Briefly spoke to the head...who just wanted me to leave with and go, so I haven't had a chance really to speak to the school. I have no problems with school or the way they dealt with him.

I just don't know what else to home he is generally ok, although we do still have a few tantrums usually triggered by something completely random...wrong cup/getting dressed/things not being right where he is really aggressive..hitting me/dh etc

ds can be such a lovely boy, but has now made such a bad name for himself.

I feel so embarressed and I'm dreading school in the morning and having to face the other mums..the head said she is expecting a string of complaints.

So what can I do? The ed psych is already involved from when ds was in nursery. And we have another appt for november..but what about in the meantime?

I am a teacher my self, and we do all the things I advise my parents to do, we are consistent, loving and fair with ds, we don't smack or shout. I just don't understand why he is like this.

I know they must think we are terrible parents for ds to behave like this..but honestly we aren't..I'm so scared school will involve ss because ds is so aggressive.

I feel absolutley sick to my stomach and am in tears. I just don't know what to do anymore

bellemaman Thu 01-Oct-09 16:28:36


I can't really offer any advice, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. My DS (4.5yrs) has had a bad week at school too, hitting etc. I would give anything to just drop him off and not spend the whole day worrying....

I'll be watching your thread and hoping for some tips myself!


Beeny1980 Thu 01-Oct-09 16:37:40

What an awful situation and i'm sorry your going thru the wringer. It doesn't sound from your parenting style that you are doing anything 'wrong' so it does seem like a blip (albeit a rather shocking one) which needs to have come from somewhere.
You need to pester the school something chronic until you get what you need from there to move forward as you're not to make any headway / sense of things til you know what has triggered this. I would suggest that they are acting unprofessionally by fobbing you off and not giving you the right info. If you get no joy from them, i would suggest serious talking to with DS to try to find out his side of things - he may have been taught these things by others and just copying, seen something in a film / programme etc etc.
Finally dreading facing the other mums, i would be tempted to front anyone out who commments on the situation. Say that yes it has happened and yes it is bad, but it is completely out of character for him and that you are trying to work with the school to rectify matters. If any of the affected pupils mums confront you ask to have a meeting with them to try to work out in a mature way what has happened and what can be done. Skulking around and keeping your head down will not stop gossip and may give the impression you don't care.
Good luck - let us know how you get on

haggisaggis Thu 01-Oct-09 16:41:50

Can the school bring teh ed psych appointment forward? The school are obviously aware that you are awrae your ds has problems and that you are looking for support from them - so an earlier appointment may be best to help teh school get appropriate strategies in place.
I would NOT be happy if a HT told me she was expecting complaints from other parents. I aslo think she needs tomake time to speak to you about your ds' behaviour so you can work together.

lou031205 Thu 01-Oct-09 16:48:34

What is your gut feeling? Do you feel that your son is 'naughty' at school, or do you feel that he has some additional need that is yet to be identified?

If the latter, you could ask for a Statutory Assessment of Special Educational needs. This will force action in a specified time frame to identify your son's needs, and how they can be met during the school day.

The head has been a bit unprofessional to be honest, because it doesn't matter what she is expecting in terms of complaints, that is her problem. Yours is to keep pushing for adequate support for your son.

Perhaps off topic, but I don't actually think that shouting is always a bad thing.

RubysReturn Thu 01-Oct-09 16:55:30

I think whether you believe your DS ha an underlying problem or is just struggling to settling, he is going to be in that class for a while.

If it were me, i think I'd try to face it head on, try to get him to tell you who he has hurt and cobble some 'sorry pictures' to give you a pretext to talk to the parents in question (if you don't alraedy know them). I'd say he had a appointment coming up that you hope is going to help. By helping him seem to be more of a person, he is less likely to be labelled 'demon child' by mums who are very protective of their little ones as they begin reception.

If possible, get someone to yours on a playdate (and supervise very carefully). My dd is 4 and just started reception and I'd go nuts if another child cut her hair etc.

Good luck

punchandjudy Thu 01-Oct-09 18:51:32

bellemaman- thats how I feel too.

He had a bad time in nursery where they asked the ed psych to come in, but then (after a change in teachers) he settled down for the last half of the year, so nothing really came of the ed psych appts.

But after a good start in reception, he is now going downhill fast.

I just don't know what to do. I'm thinking of going to the drs (for me) as I'm so anxious and worried about it all..can't seem to stop crying.

Rollmops Fri 02-Oct-09 09:32:32

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the law state that a child must start formal education after they turn 5 years old. Why is your child in school at 4?
(Just curious and perhaps misinformed, happy to be corrected).

bedlambeast Fri 02-Oct-09 10:09:29

Message withdrawn

punchandjudy Fri 02-Oct-09 11:47:37

Rollmops - they go to reception in the school year they turn 5. So for ds (who was unlucky enough to be born a week early and therefore was born right at the end of august - that mean him too.)

Legally they don't have to attend until they are actually 5. But the alternative is to keep him off until he is 5 (next summer) but then when he goes into school he will have to join his peers in Year 1. They are not allowed to put him in reception as he will already be 5. Does that make sense??

prettyinpunk Fri 02-Oct-09 12:54:31

the teacher asked to speak to me twice this past week as a result of my ds (4 last june, so also a young one) playing rough and pushing in the playground.

i, too, was mortified, but have put it down to the end of 'learning through play' and 'free-choice' of pre-school and the sudden onslaught of structure, concentration and having to listen at all times while in the classroom. i think it's just his way of winding down and release, especially as he is a very physical, ants-in-your-pants, typical boy.

also, i think there's been a bit of getting used to the back-chat from other bigger/older/more eloquent class-mates who he hadn't known at pre-school as we've just recently moved.

i even spent yesterday lunchtime 'spying' through the fence blush, watching ds as he played, and as far as i was concerned it was typical roughty-toughty boy play (but then i didn't get a request to see the teacher yesterday, and dh and i had both had harsh words with ds by then). dh was certain the school had over-reacted and i wanted to see for myself.

i'm hoping it's just a short-term reaction to being in school, as it seemed too as though he was settling in so well.

good luck and keep us posted

coultie Mon 12-Oct-09 15:55:55

I know how you are feeling punch and judy as i am having the same problems with 6 yr old son so bad that he was excluded for 4 days has just gone back and still the same His behaviour is so bad that the teachers have asked me to bring him home for dinner as the dinner ladies arent payed enough to put up with his behaviour Well i think you will know what i said to that We got a dx for adhd and he has just started on ritalin over this weekend.We are just upset at the lea as we have only been giving 6 hrs a week 1 to 1 support we are so annoyed as we know and the school know we need ft support and this is no good I have even threatned to take him from the school and get a tutor to come to the house and teach him at there exspense as teachers getting threatned of parents to remove there children from the school because of ds.

FernieB Mon 12-Oct-09 18:55:05

Very sympathetic towards you and your son. Please don't worry about facing the other parents. When mine were in reception there were a couple of boys who acted in a similar way and their mothers were mortified, but the rest of us parents were (on the whole) sympathetic and no-one made any complaints against the boys. What helped I think, was that the mothers were open with us about what was happening with their sons and we knew how worried they were about their kids.

Hope things get better soon. He is still very young and school is a big shock to the system.

ICANDOTHAT Tue 13-Oct-09 09:17:37

Punch what was the outcome of the original Ed Psych assessment ? Did you say he was due to be seen again ? Is the School SENCO involved? They need to set up an IBP for him and put strategies in place to help him. Is he back to school now and how long did they ask you to keep him off for? Sorry, lots of questions.....

me4sunny Tue 13-Oct-09 14:45:04

I remember I was one of those kids teachers and other parents do complain about ... I was hitting and punching other kids and was quite opinionated for a young girl - but I also remember that all I was craving for was a nice person who would smile at me, make me feel secure and just take me serious and not treat like "a little baby“ (do remember those thoughts quite well)
I personally find that your school was wrong in the way they've treated your son - he is only 4.5 years old and needs more understanding and love than harsh discipline and punishment... I would have been very angry with the Head of that school ...

may be visiting a psychologist would help to identify what you little one is craving for? My personal conviction is that all children are born "good" and "perfect" and it is us - grownups - who screw them up:-) but than I also don't believe in children "manipulating" us (I belive in them learning about cause and effect and trying to identify the border between "I - them")

I also think that the school in UK should stop being so incredibly harsh with little children and criminalise them from quite a young age (I don't think anywhere else in Europe an 11 year old can be send to jail)

oh well that's a bit off topic but actually for me it just shows how schools start "screwing up" children

sherby Tue 13-Oct-09 14:52:03

I think the head was actually quite rude tbh. What do you mean she just wanted you out of the school? He wasn't going to burn it down fgs. Once they had him out of the classroom she should've had time to take you into her office and talk to you. That sounds slightly crap to me tbh.

stealthsquiggle Tue 13-Oct-09 14:58:45

I don't know, Sherby - if OP's DS was still wound up then it probably wasn't the best time to talk - but the head should, I would have thought, have stopped to arrange a better time to meet.

OP - honestly, the other parents won't hate you, as long as they can see (as I am sure that they will be able to) that you do care and are trying to do something about it. The parents I have come to dislike over the last 3 years are those who patently don't care and don't respond to the school's concerns (even the head has been driven to the point of admitting that she gets no support from them).

luckyblackcat Tue 13-Oct-09 15:01:16

You say you do not shout or smack, so what consequences are there for unacceptable behaviour? Even a 4 yr old needs to know there are boundaries and cansequences.

I speak as the parent of an August born boy with SN, I thought my life would be full or me struggling to manage the fallout of DS' behaviour - and occasionally not liking him very much - when I went on an Incredible Years parenting course. It focusses on rewarding and praising a child repeatedly until they become addicted to pleasing you (a vast oversimplification obviously!) to start with you praise them for everything - even sitting and watching TV for 2 mins gets a "well done for sitting so beautifully" etc. (so sort of what sunny says, wanting a nice person to smile at you and validate you as a good human being)

It has changed all of our lives, and that is not an overstatement. I believed he was just too young/SN to understand, but he gets it - time out, rewards stickers, grab bag (gifts) and consequences.

He is now able to tolerate things he wouldn't have been able to before - like sitting through The Magic of Moonarce at the cinema (for his sisters reward when I had no one else to care for him) I just reinforced how well he had been sitting and reminded him that he could take a gift from the grab bag when we returned home, it was magic.

hobbgoblin Tue 13-Oct-09 15:03:14

Haven't time to reply at length but if I say one thing it is what a STINKING attitude the Head seems to have. don't you think?

sherby Tue 13-Oct-09 17:04:28

hobbgoblin, god yes I agree, wanting them to get out? he is 4 fgs

buy1get1free Tue 13-Oct-09 17:33:55

Complete cop out by the head ... Totally uncalled for imo. Just shows her professional inability to deal with a 4yo angry Hope they accompanied it with a letter which is what they are required to do stating why they have asked him to be taken home ?? hmm

cornsilk Tue 13-Oct-09 17:42:22

Agree that school's response to this is awful.

Littlefish Tue 13-Oct-09 18:16:35

Do you work full time? Would having your ds attend part time work for you? I still think that you need to push for the Ed Psych to re-visit, or at the very least, a meeting with the SENCO and classteacher together to discuss appropriate strategies to use with your son. If he is involved with the EP, then he should be at School Action Plus stage and have an IEP.

He may be feeling overwhelmed with school, and some additional part time sessions may help to relieve this pressure.

I agree with buy1get1free - was this a fixed term exclusion? In which case, you should have a letter detailing why he was sent home, and how long the exclusion is for. They cannot simply phone you up and ask you to take him home.

FWIW - I regularly have to remove the rest of the children from the class because of children in distress, I've also been hit several times this term already, but we have not excluded any children. We have, instead, looked at our own practice (sp) to see how the environment/provision can be altered to support the child and spoken to both the child(ren) and parents to agree strategies.

Littlefish Mon 19-Oct-09 17:15:12

How are things Punchandjudy?

ninagleams Mon 19-Oct-09 18:12:45

Does he like his teacher now?

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