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help my stepson is a bully need ideas

(9 Posts)
poltesco Sat 26-Sep-09 13:40:07

hi my dss 13yr has turned into a bit of a bully at school. he was bullied at primary ( no excuss ), he's always been such a caring and kind kid. he lives with his mum during the wk and with us at wkends.
due to the shool phoning and a mum in their village ring us, because his mum dosen't seem to be taking it seriously and just grounding him which doesn't seem to effect him. he is coming to stay with us to get it sorted.

last term he was phyiscal with a yr7. we had him to stay with us apolgise to the lad and write a letter to the lad and his parents to apologise. dss behaviour improved 100% so at end of term he went home , school holidays and 3wks of school and here we are agian with dss being the ring leader of verbal bullying to a yr7.

it can't be that he is trying to get his dads attention as he hates having to stay with us term time, as we are vy strict comparred to his mum and stepdad. both homes are happy and stable.

i don't want to just ground him and take all electricals of him i really want to make him think about what he is doing and the harm he is causing, i'm thinking of making him right an essay on bullying but really need some help with ideas for it.
all ideas very welcome not just for essay but other ways i can make him see what he is doing is wrong!!!

mathanxiety Sun 27-Sep-09 02:16:19

He needs some activities that will build character and realistic self esteem, like demanding team sports or some sort of challenging jobs he could do with his dad. Is there anything his dad could teach him, like car maintenance, fishing, etc., or some hobby they could develop together that would demand time and communication?

poltesco Sun 27-Sep-09 20:21:31

just to update have got dss to sit down and write very truthly to some answers on the reasons he bullies, how it makes him feel before and after, hows its affecting him and a plan of action to change!
it was explained to him that this is not a punishment but a chance for him to reflect on what has been happening. so far so good he is really thinking and opening up!

thanks mathanxiety for suggestions. him and his dad are always doing projects together building things that interest them, they go fishing when they get the chance and they fly stunt kites together, fly radio controlled planes. i think the problem is that he dosen't get to do much that really interest him at home other than things that involve a screen. he is so much like his dad in many ways ( except the bullying behaviour ) i'd be happy for him to stay with us permanetly but his mum understandable would rather he was with her. just a very difficult situation we just want dss to be the best that he can he is such alikeable lad and brillaint with our dd 20mnths hopefully we can change things for the better!

mathanxiety Mon 28-Sep-09 04:46:50

It's nice to hear he is so good with the toddler -- that probably means he has a good heart underneath it all. 13 is a tough age for boys, and he's lucky his dad is able to spend the time with him. I think the sitting down and writing about his behaviour idea is great.

Romanarama Mon 28-Sep-09 12:50:32

How about a volunteering activity, like riding/swimming for disabled children, or helping with beavers/cubs or that sort of thing, so he has to be the responsible older person with younger or less capable kids and learns how to do it?

Hmentor Mon 28-Sep-09 13:01:27

Could his behaviour be a way of Trying to get attention from his Mum who seems too relaxed or maybe a way of getting to stay with you 'without upsetting mum' how long has the family been split. He may feel disloyal to 1 parent or stuck in the middle with no say (control) over what happens to him so bullying is something he can control himself and may be an outlet for him,which needs addressing

poltesco Mon 28-Sep-09 14:02:39

hmentor: i think he does need his mum to set him boundries after all all kids need them to know where they stand. i mean his mum grounded him on thursday then let him out on friday because a mate of his had come to the village, talk about mixed messages!! we'ave very gentle tried to say to mum that she needs to set firm boundries and find things that interest the kids. but its hard to push as we want to carry on on freindly terms!!
they split up nearly 12yrs ago it was a joint decission stayed friendly! kids stayed with their mum in the family home, both found new partners 11yrs ago. all 3 kids have all been told they are welcome anytime for as long as they like! dss perfers it at his mums as all his friends are there even though he does enjoy spending time with his dad. all 3 kids see home is with their mum, their choice. they know are door is always open no matter what time or what they've done!

Hmentor Mon 28-Sep-09 14:10:29

you sound like a lovely parent.I am sure all the children will be grateful for it always.I know it's hard trying to keep the peace with exs espcially when it comes to matters of the children. You don't want to seem to be treading on toes, nor is it fair that you and your partner are left to be the ones who have to lay the law down all the time, tricky one.... maybe grandparents could step in although if the split was not easy they may take sides.[hmmm]INeed to think more on this one

Hmentor Mon 28-Sep-09 14:23:55

Maybe school will help, many have counsellors and/or mentors their for the children. if you ask to speak to the head of 'pastorl care' they should be able to help you a lot, there are also Anti-bully web sites and chat groups for teens that maybe worth looking at with him. Hopefully pastoral head can liase with both sets of parents and your son can have his say.Maybe school setting targets etc and sending those to both Homes will act like a mediator.

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