Bad Behaviour / Aggression

[anonomousmum]

We are at our wits end! My son bangs his head and is often angry and says nasty things most days - he is 3 YEARS OLD and has been getting steadily worse to the current state for at least 6 months. It think that by now maybe my son should have grown out of this?? We have tried ignoring it completely right through to time-out step every time it happens. Nothing seems to work and if he's not hitting his head, he's being very aggressive in his manner anyway. Just don't know what to do anymore. All it needs is for us to pick up a toy to look at it (even after he's asked us to come and play with him), or even just stroking him gently on his head when passing.

He used to be such a happy boy, but seems hell-bent on aggression towards us and appears to have zero respect for either myself or my husband. His nursery always tell us he's great when he's there - I just don't know what to do or think about this anymore.

[Octavia09]

At this age kids can be quite selfish. My son is fine in the nursery but then he is quite different at home. One minute he loves his little brother, another minute he is angry at him. He does not want me to breast feed for example. I often try to be in his shoes to understand him. I believe for him his little brother is like a secretary ofr my husband. He is afraid that he will not be loved. May be you should look whether you give too much attention to someone else. Just try to remember what makes him angry or write it down. Tell him that you all love each other: you love him and your husband and the other way around because you are a family.
I hope it helps; I can understand how it is for you.
Also, find him a job at home so he would not bother you that much (e.g. buy him plasticine, a construction set; show him what could be made out of it and praise him).

[SheWillBeLoved]

Have you tried getting down to his level and pulling him into a tight cuddle and shushing in his ear whenever he starts? My daughter is only 8 weeks so I have no real experience of day in day out with an angry child like you have, but I remember reading about this tip on a thread on here a few months ago.

My niece is 5, and very similar to what you describe. So physically violent to anybody who she knows loves her, spat at them, pulled their hair, slapped them, told them she wished they would get run over etc

I was having a cuppa at my sisters a month ago and she started flipping out because her mum had tidied away her toys as she was then watching TV. No idea what made me remember it, but I went over to her, got on my knees and pulled her into a very tight hug and yes - she did try to escape, I got a knee in my stomach, but once she realized I was hugging her and I started shushing calmly; she softened an just started whimpering

She sat by me for the rest of the time I was there. Her mum tried it the next few times, and it didn't work quite so well - but she kept on with it and now whenever she has a tantrum, this is what she does, and 9/10, it works.

Interesting that he only does it to you, and not at nursery. I wonder if children try their best to push people close to them away to test their love for them? Hope it all improves for you

[anonomousmum]

Thanks for the messages. We do try all sorts to improve the situation - we partly think he needs some mental exertion as well as having a lot of physical energy. He has plenty of toys to play with and interact with including Playmobil (he LOVES LOVES LOVES firefighting and Fireman Sam!), Lego, Duplo, wipe-blank magic drawing board, etc, etc. and all in his very own conservatory, which is generally his own space most of the time. He constantly seems to need to think about things and keep active. We are having 'letter of the day' at the moment, where we pick a letter of the alphabet and he thinks of all the words he can during the day that start with that letter. He seems to love it and if nothing else, it's a distraction from what's going on in between
I'm intrigued by the hugging thing - a bit difficult for me at the mo, what with 22 week tummy and all... However, I must say that it may not be the best idea for some children to have hugs when showing this behaviour, as it could advocate something good from something bad?? and I wouldn't want to encourage him inadvertantly.
I think possibly the main problem is that we don't have that much of a social life (either myself or my husband) ourselves, and so he is not around other kids to interact enough. He seems to love to be around kids of about 4-5 years, but I don't know anyone with children that age where I am either and they all tend to be going off to school anyway. In some ways I wonder whether my son would benefit from school early - everyone who meets him says he probably would and his nursery says he's pretty much ready now too, but I'm reluctant to palm him off without being sure (plus I have no idea about how to go about sorting it out or whether it's even possible!)
He's always been very intelligent in a lot of ways and it can be quite a scary thing to see from somebody so young - I don't really want him branded or 'pushed' into learning too fast either. He was talking in sentences and holding interesting conversations at around 18 months and has a great sense of humour and understanding of the world around him, when he's in the right mood of course! But if it would benefit him emotionally/psychologically, maybe it could only be a good thing? We've thought about having him assessed, but again, this is a difficult road to choose, not only for the possible repercussions, but also because he's so young and it's difficult to interpret 'intelligence' at this age...? Arghhhhhhhhhhh, decisions decisions, never though parenthood would be quite so difficult when we looked at that tiny baby 3 years ago