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We all ended up in tears tonight - 3.3 year old behaviour.....

(14 Posts)
blueduck Thu 17-Sep-09 20:37:43

I'd posted on here (I think this thread) about my DS and his constant weeing recently. He doesnt' have an infection we understand.

So, what he does is keep going to the loo and then won't go. He'll stand there and say "it's coming Mummy" but then it doesnt' so he then disappears off. We went to the park this afternoon and he went when we got there (a dribble) then twice in the bushes and then screamed on the way home when I asked him to wait til we got home (we were only there 30 mins) and we live 3 mins away in the car (we went en route from supermarket on our way home).

By way of background, I have a DD who is 7 months. He's been fine with her - not too much jealousy. He's a sensitive soul and has in the past been clingy to me in phases. He is quite outgoing and a sociable little boy though and although suffers from a bit of separation anxiety the thought is worse than being left and for example he'll be fine once I leave him in nursery where he goes 2 days a week (for last 2 years). He's just started pre-school in the last week (this weeing thing started about 2 weeks ago) a couple of mornings a week in addition to nursery.

I don't know how to handle this situation. I have tried asking him to wait until he really needs to go, but don't want to make weeing an issue. Should I just go with it and ignore it before it becomes a "thing" or try to reward him for "going"? (as oppose to not "going" when he rushes to the loo). I'm in such a dilemma. Poor little man I'm so worried about him as I wonder if the whole starting pre-school etc (he cries when I leave him but he loves it when there) has caused him a bit of anxiety and whether at home it's a bit of a cry for attention.

I got really tearful tonight - he was in the loo for about 10 mins whilst I was feeding DD her tea - that was after the meltdown in the park enroute home in the car. DD had been screaming just before that for her tea so I was already on edge . I lost it and felt bad.

Generally I feel I'm being a shouty mum at the moment and feeling quite down generally. DD is teething - I'm back at work part time and quite tired - WOrk is miserable with the threat of redundancy hanging over us every month so am on edge and feel miserable at work and don't feel I'm doing much of a good job at home either.

I sound like a right whinger and I am normally a "coper" but for whatever reason can't work out how to deal with DS's current issue....any ideas ?

piscesmoon Thu 17-Sep-09 20:50:16

You sound very stressed-have you got any help? He is very little, I would just relax and not worry. If you take the anxiety out of the picture he will probably settle down.
I have boys and they used to be very annoying at that age-they always wanted to go at the most inconvenient times and were never able to go when a toilet was available. I did many a dash out of the supermarket, abandoning the trolley and hoping it was still there when we got back!

blueduck Thu 17-Sep-09 21:00:28

Yes, I think I am a bit stressed. I have a husband who works full time and leaves the house at 7.15am and gets back after the kids are in bed. I've gone from being on mat leave and having a bit of time off from DS to working 2 days and then having the kids coupled with all the chores. I have a cleaner but there is plenty of other stuff to be done. I usually get it all done on my "days off" - ha ha. We eat well, the house is usually tidy and we're all usually wearing clean clothes but sometimes I feel I'm on a hamster wheel.

Don't get me wrong I suspect my life is a lot better than a lot of people. I even have parents I'm close to nearby who love looking after the kids, but I try to only call on her when I really need her for a reason rather than just because....

I need to communicate more I think with my DH and probably admit when I'm feeling down and a bit overwhelmed. It's not really the amount I have to do but that on top of DS's wearing behaviour is getting to me more than I thought.

piscesmoon Thu 17-Sep-09 21:22:57

It seems overwhelming at the time but when you look back it is over quickly-I know that isn't very helpful at this moment. My DS1 was still wetting himself (just a dribble)at 5 because he got too engrossed in things and didn't want to break off. It was very annoying at the time but he got there in the end. Just tell yourself he is very little and don't expect too much. Hopefully someone at your stage might come along and offer advice. I know that the more anxious you get the worse he will be!

blueduck Thu 17-Sep-09 21:48:15

Thanks for your support and taking time to post. My DH is away tonighton a business thing - he phoned during bath time and I got in a tizz in tears on the phone again....I need to put things in perspective and focus on the positive parts of the day. The pre-school have made lovely comments about my DS and he really is a lovely little boy but boy can he push my buttons. .....

cory Fri 18-Sep-09 08:23:24

to be frank, about half the little boys I know weren't even potty trained at 3.3 and the ones that were went through phases of wetting/weeing in inconvenient places anyway, so I doubt that this is a genuine problem

most doctors won't even investigate incontinence until the child is about 7 as wetting before that is such a normal part of childhood

if he is spending 10 minutes in the loo trying to wee, then I wonder why it is so important to him; ime most 3yo boys are fairly gung-ho about the whole wetting thing

does he realise that you get stressed if he wets himself or wants to go when it's inconvenient? could you just try to relax and reassure him that it really doesn't matter if he goes in the bushes?

Supercherry Fri 18-Sep-09 08:45:11

Blueduck, I think it comes across from your post that the 'problem' is not your DS' toilet training but simply that you are stressed at the moment.

My nephew was toilet trained just before he turned 3 and a half and still had problems with poos much later than that. Your DS is perfectly normal so really try and not worry about the odd accident.

You are essentially operating as a single mother because of your DP's working hrs, you need to go easy on yourself. If your parents are willing to help out a bit more just to give you a bit of a break then accept the help. A 7mth old baby alone can be hard work, you have a 3.3yr old and work on top, it's no wonder you are stressed!

MrsMagnolia Fri 18-Sep-09 10:05:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueduck Fri 18-Sep-09 14:07:47

Thank you....

I realised when I read my original post back how obvious it is that I seem to be making an issue out of the problem and also that I am pretty stressed.

TBH I've never in the whole time of potty training had to ask him to go - he's always just got up and gone - I was so surprised at how easy it all was as he was clearly ready ( I was the one who wasn't with a newborn in tow!). The only time I ask if he needs to go is if we're going out in the car and he's been a complete star about it.

I've also stopped giving him so many drinks to see if that helps.

I've no issue about him going in the bushes in the park - at least he's a boy !....but I think in the back of my mind I'm just upset that maybe he's a bit anxious and rather than being calm about it because I'm not in the right frame of mind to be calm I'm actually getting uptight and causing the whole thing to get worse. I think Cory he knows I get stressed and he gets my attention (he often does it when I'm feeding DD).

I did suggest that perhaps we got back to pull ups for a while but he was really adamant that he is a big boy and won't do it. I can't really make him.

I've started a reward pot of marbles - giving him a marble every time he goes to the loo and actually does a wee/poo as if he's potty training and it seems to have a positive affect - but agree with the instant rewards thing MrsMagnolia. I like that idea. I'll get on the case tomorrow.

I almost feel better for having some sort of plan as I really was beginning to feel a bit lost with it all.....I even feel a bit better today . The weekend is soon here and DH is here all weekend (not playing golf - another story that one !!>>>>>>)

MrsMagnolia Fri 18-Sep-09 19:29:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slowreadingprogress Fri 18-Sep-09 20:10:58

I really think you need a serious chat with your DH about being home more. He is missing out on their childhood and they're missing out on their dad aren't they, and you are left trying to be supermum - work, bring up children, and run a home all un-aided

If my DH even thought of golf, in that scenario, it would be his last thought!

You need to be a team with him during these early years.

Is it totally, utterly, always necessary for him to come back after they're in bed? What does he do?

blueduck Sat 19-Sep-09 15:04:48

He's a director of a large international co and has just been promoted with even more responsibility so is going through quite a lot of pressure himself at work (he doesn't deal with stress that well and often questions his own abilities even though he's done quite well really - he's not the arrogant ambitious type more the "oh why would they want to promote me" type). I'm a lawyer so even though I work part time I am still expected to be "on call" on my days off (although I share my role with a colleague) and check my blackberry and take queries from my colleague who I work with so I don't exactly have a 9 - 5 job in that sense IYSWIM.

DH does come back early on one of the days I work so that I'm not pressured into getting them from nursery (I can see the nursery from my office window - DH works 7 miles from nursery) both days - DD is still quite little and I like her to be picked up at 5pm....she's been there since 8am and she needs some down time before bed. DS too really but not quite the same now he's 3 and he enjoys his little mates there. I do the drop off though so on the days I work I have to get them there and we're out the house by 7.20am.

If I don't get anything out the freezer for dinner, nothing gets out. I get their stuff ready for nursery - we go on the bus.....god you know the more I write this stuff down the more I realise why my anxiety levels might have gone up recently.

I do feel anxious a lot of the time recently. I have suffered from panic attacks before but went through a period of anti-d's and also had some counselling which was helpful. I know that when I'm tired/overwhelmed it gets worse. I also feel that my DH needs to grow up a bit and take a bit more responsibility in his family life. Don't get me wrong - he's a good man but I often think he's never quite got his head round sharing his free time with two small children who have needs and wants - I've accepted it and they are my life now and always always come first. I also get quite sad at how quickly DS has grown up and that he starts school next year - DD will be our last and I really really treasure those times we spend together - me and the kids. I can't make DH get his head round that but I have said to him at times when he moans about DS's behaviour that we'll look back in 20 years time and wistfully say "oooh do you remember when they were little....." and I bet it will feel like 5 minutes ago.

This is food for thought all this really isn't it !.....

On a positive note - I've been down to join our local leisure centre gym where you can "pay and play" and am going to try to build in some time there - they have a creche too so maybe when DS is a pre-school on one of my days off I could put DD in for an hour and then do some at the weekends so that DH is forced to give me a break. DS has been a bit better today.....and DH took him swimming today which was nice.

bubblagirl Sat 19-Sep-09 15:16:57

keep a empty drink bottle in your bag quite handy to just pull out and let them wee in

you definitely sound stressed and tired see if dh could come home 1 day a week early if not more just to take over and give you some you time maybe that time can be spent having coffee with friend or drinks or just hot bath and a book

my ds is 4 now and bladder control came in just after 3.6 he was able to hold but the bottle was always handy can be used in the car out side etc

i hope you feel better soon keep chin up remember it wont last forever your doing fab

bubblagirl Sat 19-Sep-09 15:19:09

sorry just noticed he does come back do you have some you time when he does to get out or away from children for a while?

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