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please please help. Don't know what to do next. 5yo DS violence

(8 Posts)
missingthemountains Mon 31-Aug-09 20:08:30

my nearly-5yo DS. His behaviour has been absolutely appalling for the last few weeks - I have tried all the recommended parenting stuff - sticker charts, rewards, when I try and put him on the time out spot he refuses to go or immediately moves off it, if I try and make him sit there (with minimum force necessary) he then attacks me - hitting, biting, kicking, spitting,screaming, pinching. so i have ended up holding him face down on the floor again minimum force necessary til he calms down. but this can take ages and meanwhile I have a 15month old who is witnessing all this, starting to hit me occasionally and certainly getting distressed by the whole thing. if i try and put DS in a room he will wreck it. i have resorted to a smack a few times this week feel like i am doing a totally rubbish job and don't know what's happened to my lovely boy -where has he gone?? I am making sure i make the most of all his good behaviour and give him as much 1-2-1 calm time as i can (reading books together, building lego etc) but just don't know what to do next??

he starts school in 10 days and i am hoping this helps. he goes to nursery 3 days a week where he is really happy and they report that he is such a happy, eager, polite kid. (which just makes me feel more of a failure)

I have a couple of theories but don't know if they are correct? he has slight deafness and is being fitted for hearing aid so maybe some of this is frustration at not always hearing? does he need to get out and run off some more energy? should i get him some activity equipment for his birthday (pogo stick, slide etc) or will that make him more hyper? we have cut out all sweets and chocolates at the moment so i don't think it's that. please help.

NinjaRain Mon 31-Aug-09 20:21:21

COuld he be concerned about going to school. My ds is like this at the mo but i now its school causing it as he is change phobic. Could also be as you say frustration. As we get this behaviour for frustration. It doesnt help but it isnt personal if these are the causes. Its just a method of expressing himself. I try to be understanding with things that make him feel comfortable eg. activities he finds calmer, safe environments and saying I know you feel X butit is not acceptable to do y just because you dont feel happy.

Sorry can be of more help.

sally78 Mon 31-Aug-09 20:24:38

Firstly I am sure your a great mum and doing your very best, don't beat yourself up.

Do you have a partner at home, can they shed any light on what is going on? Have you tried a special evening together, parhaps special time, a treat together and a chat about how he is feeling at the moment.

How does he feel about starting school......I am wondering if this has something to do with it all???

missingthemountains Mon 31-Aug-09 20:43:05

he doesn't seem phased about starting school at all - but maybe he is? He doesn't tend to talk about things directly - if i ask him if he's worried about anything he'll talk about the little stuff (where is his ben10 tshirt?) or goes off into his little dreamworld (where will daddy park our new submarine?) i will try and just ask him what he thinks about starting school? what does he think it will be like?

DH has MS and sadly is not able to help out much practically or emotionally. Nor do we have any family support so I do find it very hard as it all comes down to me really. I know that DS needs the male role model too and we try to arrange as much time as possible with other older males but really much of his life is spent with either me or the female nursery workers.

Tonight he had a total meltdown because his older half -brother will be a grown up before he will hmm it was a bit difficult to console him on that one.....

EffiePerine Mon 31-Aug-09 20:46:51

Have you seen any of the How to Talk threads? I find the approach handy for DS1, who's a couple of years younger but gets v angry and frustrated a lot of the time. The first thing is to tr and vocalise his feelings for him, so to say, 'you're feeling angry' or 'you're cross because of X' or whatever. I do find it helps with DS1 cos he can't control his feelings and, I think, gets a little frightened by them sometimes.

Having said that, we've had a shocker of a few days so not sure I am best placed to advise grin.

The books is here: www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_1_11?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+lis ten+and+listen+so+kids+will+talk&sprefix=how+to+talk

sally78 Mon 31-Aug-09 21:01:32

Sounds good EffiePerine

Your having a tough time missingthemountains and I take my hat off to you dealing with this with little support.

"he then attacks me - hitting, biting, kicking, spitting,screaming, pinching. so i have ended up holding him face down on the floor again minimum force necessary til he calms down." Have you tried cuddle holding when he does this? It may help him to feel less angry.

Another idea maybe to walk the new school route do a practice, look at the school and take about how his first few days will be etc. Make it a very special thing, lets practice getting there etc.....

Will the hearing aids be fitted before school starts?

mimsum Mon 31-Aug-09 22:19:19

the advice from supernanny et al about having a naughty step or time out place always makes me roll my eyes as ime if you have a child who will actually stay there when told, then you don't really need one ...

we gave up on that tactic a long time ago as it just made everything much worse. If I needed to make sure that the others were safe and ds1 was going into a total meltdown I'd either hold him in a strong cuddle, but not trying to make him stay somewhere specific iyswim as then the tantrum would be all about me wanting him to sit somewhere, or occasionally shut everyone else (inc me) in my bedroom while he hurled himself against the shut door ....

Although he can still have meltdowns, they're nothing like as violent or frequent as they were

We found this book particularly helpful

The other thing which helped was dramatically increasing his levels of activity - he now swims 6 days a week for 2 hours and he's still pretty hyper - I shudder to think what he'd be like without all that exercise

hth a bit

choosyfloosy Mon 31-Aug-09 22:30:52

Feeling for you - also have a 5-year-old ds. Really don't think I have answers, and may well try books on this thread. My dh also has a chronic condition, though less pervasive than MS. Some things I have considered are:

Have a violence boundary - he CANNOT hit/kick/pinch people. If he's feeling so furious he must hit something, give him a cushion that is his 'cushion to hit'. Shouting, screaming, hitting the cushion, these may be acceptable? Moving into another room may be a way out for you? I personally think this is OK. At the moment ds usually responds to a fierce face and a deep voice saying 'DON'T hit me' which is about all I can manage. When I say he responds, he veers away and vents his frustration elsewhere.

Are there any patterns to the meltdowns? Ds is still much more likely to explode when hungry and tired or when attempting something difficult - he is really starting to notice that he's not good at everything and hates being patronised (not that he could put it in those terms), i.e. being told he's good at something when he's clearly struggling. I.e. he's growing into a new phase. finding something he can be good at may be a way forward - ds has fallen for tennis in a big way and drags us out every day to play - he is a lot more cheerful outside though we have shouting matches there too!

This is not much help - I'll shut up. You are certainly not alone.

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