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Being as everything is 'just a phase', is there much point in trying/guiding/directing too much?

(23 Posts)
StripeySuit Wed 26-Aug-09 11:11:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neversaydie Wed 26-Aug-09 12:07:46

I guess it depends on whether or not you want it to just be a phase, or to harden into normal practice! While I agree there is no point trying to force behaviour changes for which your child is simply not ready, if he or she starts to try out less desirable quirks you still need to discourage it, quick!

Habbibu Wed 26-Aug-09 12:18:26

Don't do naughty step at all; any "sanction" is directly related to what she's doing, so if waving a fork around, which is potentially a bit dangerous, I warn her I'll take it away, and then do so if necessary. Seems to work, as it makes sense to her. Don't really do rewards either - chocolate buttons and stickers for learning to go to the toilet herself, but that's mostly as it be so handy if she can do that when new baby comes.

She seems to be learning from copying us, and so is very sweet about saying thank you, etc, so we're trying to behave as well as we can!

Habbibu Wed 26-Aug-09 12:19:03

I meant "we don't" at the beginning of all that! It wasn't meant to be a command...

fluffles Wed 26-Aug-09 12:21:57

well... 'testing boundaries' is 'just a phase' but only if they discover where those boundaries are.

If they don't discover any boundaries then you'll be looking at some pretty anti-social behaviours and also (apparently there's evidence to show) unhappy kids.

phdlife Wed 26-Aug-09 12:24:11

Agree with Habbibu, except I'm being lazy about the potty training. Relaxed parenting mostly working for us though I am in a horrible muddle about bedtime. Am counting on that being a phase, however... grin

FlouryBap Wed 26-Aug-09 12:24:34

This is interesting. My DD is 15 months and up to now we haven't had to do anything really because she hasn't really done anything that needs correctly. However, she is very into slapping people in the face at the moment. If it is me and her I try to hold her out of reach of my face (and she then ends of slapping her own hmm). However I do tell her that slapping is wrong. Do you think she would just stop doing it on her own accord?

Habbibu Wed 26-Aug-09 12:25:37

But I think there are ways of having boundaries without having to use explicit punishment/reward strategies, and that's how I read the OP.

Habbibu Wed 26-Aug-09 12:27:27

With slapping we took the hand, told her people don't like it, and then used the hand to stroke our faces, making a big fuss. She probably would grow out of it, but the problem is when you are with other parents and children, it's important for social interaction to at least do/say something!

fluffles Wed 26-Aug-09 12:27:53

'just go with the flow' doesn't sound much like setting boundaries to me hmm

actually i'm not a reward/punishment person either but i do think that a lot of behaviours cannot be ignored because while they are 'growing out of' the phase they will be alienating other children, other parents, family... it's all about being able to function in society and having people want to be around you isn't it?

fluffles Wed 26-Aug-09 12:28:36

x-posts with Habbibu grin

Habbibu Wed 26-Aug-09 12:28:55

Well, turns of phrase are difficult to interpret - may be best to wait for the OP to clarify?

DesperateHousewifeToo Wed 26-Aug-09 12:39:17

Completely agree with neversaydie.

Depends on what the behaviour is too. If my dcs started wanting to run across the road, I would want to stop that asap and not wait for them to grow out of it.

If it was something that was just annoying and with no potentially serious or anti-social consequences, like nose picking, I may ignore it.

phdlife Wed 26-Aug-09 12:48:03

I see it as sort of a martial art - I did ju jitsu for a couple of years and it was all about going with your partner's energy to get them to end up where you wanted. So not so much punishment/reward but ... steering. Directing the energy for good, not evil.

StripeySuit Wed 26-Aug-09 12:54:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pitchounette Wed 26-Aug-09 12:54:24

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Pitchounette Wed 26-Aug-09 12:55:56

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StripeySuit Wed 26-Aug-09 12:57:51

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StripeySuit Wed 26-Aug-09 13:01:34

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Pitchounette Wed 26-Aug-09 13:11:37

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Thinkstoomuch Wed 26-Aug-09 14:04:58

It depends on the behaviour and the age. DS1 used to bang his head on the floor at about 15 months. It wasn't something he'd stop if we asked him to, and frankly it was himself he was hurting. It was a phase. A developmental phase. It stopped in about two months.

Hitting other children is a phase that pretty much all 2 year olds seem to go through at some point. I know from experience that if they don't get clear, strong messages at that age that it's not acceptable then they often carry on with it.

My friend's DS has regularly belted mine since that age and her parenting has been of the gently discourage/go with the flow/he'll learn the consequences variety. Well I've had enough of waiting for her DS to catch on to the fact that he's hurting others and that's not nice. So as of this summer (2 years of hitting later) I don't meet up with them any more - sad for both boys. Her way has not worked. I do think she should have regularly taken him away from the fun of playing with my DS - naughty step, timeout, whatever you want to call it. Eventually he would have got bored of missing out and stopped the behaviour. He's a bright boy, it wouldn't have taken 2 years.

Talking things through is fine - that's more my way than hard-line discipline - but kids need clear boundaries and that's your job.

StripeySuit Wed 26-Aug-09 14:27:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBadger Wed 26-Aug-09 14:41:40

agree the 'no good reason' thing holds water

there are good reasons to wear shoes when going out
and to go in the carseat in the car
and not to hit / bite
and for reasonable behaviour at the table

there is no good reason dd shouldn;t go to sleep cuddling her empty sippy cup (yes yes water only, no milk after teeth cleaning, I know)
or wear a sunhat regardless of the weather
etc
but MIL people for some reason thinks these are Bad Things and should be Discouraged. I can't see what's wrong with them.

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