family crisis over pop up sink plugs....

[margobambino]

DS is obsessed with sinks and pop up sink plugs. He loves removing those plugs and putting back them again. Do you think it is very weird thing to play with. Anybody else also had this problem?
Today it led to a crisis in our home and I feel so sad and lonely at the moment. I'll try to summarize what happened. We usually keep the sink in the ensuite clean and allow him to play with it and I told him to never play with the guess toilet's sink downstairs as we do not show any speacial attention to its cleanliness tbh and would not be nice to touch its pop up plug I believe. I told him not to do that several times and today he did it again, so I got really angry and may be first time (definetely did not happen much) I shouted at him really badly. Then I asked my husband to take him upstairs as I was really angry. He was eating snacks in the kitchen. My mom and dad were also at home so my dad took him to his playroom. DS started crying and obviously having tantrum then my also mom went there. I was able to hear their voices, first they tried to calm him down but he did not listen. Then my dad started shouting at him which i believe was a horrible thing to do. My husband interestingly still having snacks in the kitchen. I firmly asked him to go and look what's going on. He refused first saying that he needs to eat something as he is going to take his meds. Then he also went and 2-3 min later he called me urgently. When I went there my poor ds was crying in the ensuite as he took him there to play with the sink "to calm him down". This was the most stupid thing I have ever heard.
3 grown up people could not manage to calm a toddler down and they really s...d it up basically. I don't even know who to get angry with at the moment and feel very very lonely and low. I don't even have a space and a person to trust to get angry and lose it a bit once in a while.
I would appreciate any comments.

[LadyMuck]

This sounds less about the plug and more about how you are feeling and your relationship with dh. Are you feeling particularly stressed, cos it does seem that it was your reaction to this that has triggered your dh's reaction. Though it does depend on how old your ds is - if he is say 7 or more then there might be an issue.

Personally - I'd clean the plug in the guest bathroom. Couldn't take more than 5 minutes, and doesn't need to be done that often. And I'm sure that your guests would be appreciative too.

[logi]

Hi margo ow old is ds ?

[margobambino]

DS is 2 years old. So do you think I have overreacted?
I do agree that it is more about our relationship with dh. I was really really in crisis, and he wasn't there for me, he was eating calmly in the kitchen. I find this difficult to understand.
How about my dad, what was he trying to do?! Everything was like twilight zone this evening for me.

[logi]

Hi margo yes i think you did over react but weve all been stressed ,i dont understand why your dad was shouting at him, your ds is 2 a plug is a plug to him and if he is that obsessed with them he is not going to care which one he plays with .Has your son always been obsessed with plugs does he have other obsessions?

[LadyMuck]

" I got really angry and may be first time (definetely did not happen much) I shouted at him really badly. Then I asked my husband to take him upstairs as I was really angry."

Ds is 2. He really like playing with plugs. He is allowed to play with some but not all plugs in his home and he clearly has access to the guest bathroom. Have you clearly explained why he shouldn't play with this one? And this has made you fly off the handle to the point where you're cheesed off at the rest of your family? I suspect that your dh and your father think that you're off your rocker.

Children of this age love playing with non-toy objects around the house - it is part of their development. Your anger sounds misplaced and irrational. I think that you need to think about why you were quite so angry with your ds.

[skybright]

Well he should'nt have touched it but he ended up getting shouted at by two different people which is a bit much i think for a two year old.

[margobambino]

Hi logi, no he wasn't always obsessed with them, this started 3-4 weeks ago roughly. I don't know whether obsession is good description for it, I think I should say he likes it. However, he has had other obsessions, I even brought him to a child development paediatrician twice (in our own language), both said he was normal and even quite bright.
Ladymuck, I think you are right my anger was totally misplaced. I believe it has nothing to do with my DS but my stress re not having enough support from my dh with dealing with our son's mild behavioural problems.
I think my dad was tring to be the chery on top. I really want to punch him in the face.

[skybright]

Margobambino..the plug do you move a handle up and down?

I was thinking a spinning top has a similar action (if you do) perhaps he would like one.

[logi]

Maybe you should punched dh and dad lol (only joking),you need to speak to dh and insist he offers more support and tell your dad its not his place to discipline your son. I understand the lonely feeling ive always got a house full yet ive never felt so lonely in my life.

[margobambino]

Yes skybright, it was too much for him definetely. In the second one I think he did not even understand why he was shouted at.
I then took DS to our room we lie down on the bed, I explained him that I was very angry when he touched that plug which could be dirty. I said I loved him too much and this is why I did not want him to touch a dirty thing which might be harmful. Then we played together for 1/2 hour peacefully. I was not able to explain his grandpa's behaviour though.

[Pandoraneedsbugs]

FWIW! I think he is 2
Playing with a sink plug is no biggy
Clean all the sink plugs so it doesnt matter
My main concern would be whether he floods the floor!

Totally over the top for him to get told off by several different people for such a small crime - he is only 2 (though I do understand your initial getting cross reaction, I have a temper too!)
I would have told him off and taken him into another room to do something entirely differnt, read a story perhaps

I agree a traditional spinning top sounds like a great idea - try Hawkins Bazaar (google them)

HTH

[Pandoraneedsbugs]

Typo in first line, I meant "He is ONLY 2"

Wait till he decorates the bathroom with an entire tub of aqueous cream - you will have a whole new range of emotions for that experience

[margobambino]

skybright, it is one of those
He is not spinning it, he likes it's function, filling the sink with water and emptying it. The reason of removing the plug is basicaly he cannot get the thingy, which is designed to operate it behind the tap, work. Also he is trying to understand how that plug is working by looking at it closely.
Does anybody see any abnormality in my son's behaviour? Are they expexted to obey what they are told usually?
Do your toddlers also get obsessed with things and become disobedient often?

[skybright]

Oh right,i can't think of any toys like that but kids love to play with water.

He sounds just fine to me....mine have all went through phases of loving something or other and it is called the terrible two's for a reason...kids get very frustrated at that age.

I'm sure he will move on to something new soon.

When did he turn two?

[hambler]

He sounds completely normal.
Clean all the plugs and let him play with any of them

[margobambino]

Pandoraneedsbugs, thanks, you made me smile . During that 1/2 hour that we played together before going bed, he covered all my legs with palmers cocoa oil, he was so cute while doing it so I could not say no. He was very good at it too, massaging gently and saying that my knee caps were quite dry

[LadyMuck]

"Does anybody see any abnormality in my son's behaviour?" No, sounds perfectly normal to me.

"Are they expected to obey what they are told usually?" Oh dear. Well you get to discipline ie train them, but no, it is not automatic! And at this age (and for the next few years if I am honest) you need to choose your battles. I save getting angry for things such as hitting other children or running off in public near cars etc.

"Do your toddlers also get obsessed with things and become disobedient often?" Boys have a tendancy to get obsessed with things, yes. Ds1 dressed as a fireman for most of the 3rd year of his life. He even took a toy fire engine to bed with him.

Do you go to any toddler groups, or have a post natal group locally?

[margobambino]

skybright, he is exactly 26 months.
BTW my dh keeps apologizing as i spoke to him.
hambler, I think I am a bit obsessed with cleaning (it seems obsessions run in the family). When I said that we cleaned the one in the ensuite I think I should have said we almost sterilized it For example, when someone washed their hand in that sink it is for me dirty to allow my ds to play with it. So I will never be able to feel comfortable with that guess loo sink's cleanliness. I think I will keep it locked from now on.

[margobambino]

LadyMuck, although I have been working quite flexiblelately, my job is full time, so it is difficult to go to toddler groups regularly last year I was going as much as I could but he was so young then. Thank you very muc for the answers which are really helpful. Ds is my first child and I am an only child. I had no children around at any stage of my life. I find it very difficult to assess what is normal what is not. May be some of you will remember my endless autism threads.

[UndomesticHousewife]

My ds is 2.4 years and loves the pull up and down plug. I do tell him not to pull and push it so hard because it will break, but as he is 2.4 years old he ignores me and carries on. All very normal.

He wanted to play with the plug, he was stopped so threw a tantrum, again very normal.

Shouting at him will not stop him from wanting to play with the plug, it may however stop him from playing with it because he is scared to and you don't want that.

There doesn't sound like there's one thing wrong with your ds, or am I missing something? Why do you think he has behavioural problems?

Clean the plug.

[UndomesticHousewife]

I was reading and posting when you posted the last posts.
So forget about the clean the plug bit!

Look, you rds is absolutely normal, it doesn't sound like an obsession at all, he just like sto play with it.

I hope you don't mind me asking but have you thought of speaking to someone about how you feel?
It's just that you sound very anxious and under pressure.

[margobambino]

Thanks for your reassuring post UndomesticHousewife. Let me rephrase the behaviour and problem part of my post. I think I have problems with his behaviours which are probably some quite normal toddler behaviours.

[margobambino]

UndomesticHousewife, yes, actually I am starting CBT sessions this Thursday. In those autism threads everybody here supported me really well and then I was started on an antidepressant by my doctor and referred to CBT. So this is the better form of my anxiety You should see me 6 months ago.

[UndomesticHousewife]

That sounds good, I hope the CBT is beneficial to you.
I'm not familiar with your other threads, but I'm glad you got the support.

Your ds sounds like a lovely healthy inquisitive little boy and plugs are so fascinating for them at thsi age, my ds pushed the plug in pulled the tap on and flooded the bathroom (very rubbish overflow hole imo).

I'm also glad your dh has apologised for his non interest in the situation, though it sounds like my dp, just sitting there going 'should I be doing something, not sure what so I'll just nothing.'

Good luck wish you all the best.

[mathanxiety]

He is a completely normal 2 year old who is also it seems very bright and inquisitive. So clean the plug, and brace yourself for even more (harmless) household investigation in more areas. It's all harmless except for messing with electricity and eating stuff from the bin. It is very hard when you are trying to deal with something and you feel you are in over your head, and the other 'adults' are less than helpful, just seem to make a problem worse. You and your dad should sit down and you should tell him no shouting ever at your DS. Your DH, like most men (? -- sorry to offend) tackled the situation in a very shortsighted fashion, taking the line of least resistance, anything for a bit of peace. (Your dad took the combative line, which is kneejerk alternative) So now you have seen that DH doesn't pay a lot of attention and basically goes about doing his own thing no matter what, don't count on him for well-thought-out help. You'll have to deal with it all yourself.

I don't think there is any way to calm down a toddler who is pitching a fit anyway. They are not listening and can't be reasoned with. In the end, it's just unpleasant noise, when you think about it. Next time, take charge of the situation yourself and don't let the others in to muck it up. Count slowly to twenty before you lay a hand on your DS. You seem to have done a great job in the aftermath, so dealing with it from the start should be ok. Before anything like this happens again, revise your expectations of your DS's behaviour -- toddlers do not obey, especially if there's a confusion between one sink being ok and one sink off limits. They don't always remember instructions, and they can't always overcome their impulses.