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dd and the clingyness

(6 Posts)
gingernutlover Wed 12-Aug-09 08:09:43

dd started nursery at 11 months and is now nearly 4 so has been there for 3 years with same children same nursery nurses and is happy to be there during the day - she goes 3 days a week while i work

but every morning and the night before we get "the performance" she is at times hysterical, getting herself worked up and crying and saying she doesnt want to go and that she doesnt like nursery and that she has no friends.

This happens on and off all the time

I do honestly believe she is happy at nursery and that she has friends. I have seen her playing happily with them, I have seen the photos of when she is there, I have spoken to the nursery nurses. She constantly talks about her keyworker and several friends. She went to a birthday party on saturday with them all and had a ball

She seems to have a realt hing about me leaving her, with anyone except my mum and with dh.

This is doing my head in as it's winding us both up and I dont know how to help her feel more secure about it.

She starts school in just over a year and I am so worried about how she will cope with a new school and probably a childminder/after school club/breakfast club

She is clingy most of the time when we are not at home, she wants me to be there holding her hand or cuddling her pretty much all of the time, it is exhausting me and I am beginning to get really worried that we have a serious problem.

MamaKaty Wed 12-Aug-09 12:51:34

That's bound to be very distressing for you. It sounds like the problem is with the actual separation part of the day, rather than the time spent away from you.

Try to keep in mind how sensitive children are - if you are now apprehensive about leaving her, she'll pick up on that and that could be causing some of her upset. Could dh or your Mum take her to nursery for a few days so she's being dropped off by somebody else?

When she gets upset before going try to distract her by asking her questions about what she's going to do in nursery, even really silly questions that will make her giggle.

Praise her for times the night or morning before when she talks about it without tears - tell her what a big girl she is, tell her how happy it makes you when she is going to see her friends, tell her that you are SO happy she's going to play a specific game, talk to a specific child, etc... If you can make her feel really proud to be going out and doing her own thing she'll feel happier about leaving you.

Although you're worried about her clinginess, try to bear in mind that children develop their social skills and confidence in different times. Try not to push her to participate in ways she isn't comfortable with, just praise her to high heavens when she does go and show a little bit of independence.

Whilst you shouldn't reject her affections, when you're in social situations perhaps just give her a short cuddle and then encourage her to go and play - if she's getting cuddled all of the time it's probably more rewarding for her to stay with you than it is to go and play!! Tell her she'll get cuddle time at home but when she's out and about it's time to play with the other children!

I hope this is helpful, Good luck!

Danceaway Wed 12-Aug-09 14:11:29

GNL, my dd was/is the same... nrly 6 and at your dd's age preschool was really hard work - settled well at 2.5yrs but after turned 3 1/4 started getting v tearful, clinging to me "I just want to go HOOOOMMEEE/stay with YOOOOUUU Mummy!" - heartbreaking and I did relent now and again. Felt everyone at preschool must think I was terrible Mum... Ditto kids parties, she wouldn't join in and wanted to sit on my lap being held the whole time, being shy/clingy/droopy! Even at home now and again she just needed long hugs - esp with baby groups over. It has got much better with time - now nearly 6 and it's much easier to go with the flow, just comfort her when she needs it which is much less often and I can enjoy it instead of feeling suffocated (awful to say but it felt like it sometimes). She started school when just 4 and it was terrible for the first half term; we had some school friends over for tea over that half term hols and once they'd become 'real' friends by virtue of coming over, she was much happier at school. Think she also realised she had to bite the bullet and get on with it as she'd been so hugely upset at school and it hadn't made any difference - even the teacher had said she didn't know if she should be going - but being the UK we had no choice and would have lost her school place. All OK now - longwinded way of saying don't lose heart, it won't last forever, some people have kids that don't sleep or don't eat their fruit, we have cuddlers!! Good luck.

Momino Wed 12-Aug-09 15:08:31

funny, i was just about to post about a similar thing with my dd1 -3.5yrs. she goes to nursery 2 days since 1 yr and has only just stopped crying when i drop her off. i know she has fun when she's there but protests at breakfast. she's also very clingy and i'm usually the only grown up at birthday parties who's sat at the children's table since she won't sit by herself.

earlier this year, she seemed to be coming outof her shell and had more confidence. She's also become a keen big sister with the arrival of dd3 (hadn't been as keen with arrival of DD2 when she was only 20 mos). But the last 2 weeks she has reverted back to her 'old self'.

before I hijack this thread, i'm trying to do things I believe are right: not to force her into any situation where she's not comfortable, cuddles when she asks for them (at least without a whinge). I'm going to ask friends over for tea more often as well.

I'm going to post a similar thread soon as my DD's situation also has to do with jealousy (of her outgoing sister who's 2) and confidence. I really want to be handling the situation properly as these years are important in forming her character/confidence and opinion of herself.

Best wishes to you.

gingernutlover Wed 12-Aug-09 17:51:43

thanks for the tips ladies, I do do most of the things you have suggested but will make sure i am def doing them all, all the time!

Unfortunatly nursery starts at 7.30am and i drop her on my way to work, dh does help with the pick ups cometimes but he has to be at work for 7am so cant drop her off and it seems too big an ask for my mum tbh

gingernutlover Wed 12-Aug-09 17:52:19

i will read through more carefully and post again later, but great to know she isnt the only one thankyou

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