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Moody and violent 8 year old dd

(13 Posts)
BiancaCastafiore Thu 30-Jul-09 10:06:32

My dd is 8, has always been prone to moods. She's an emotional, creative, dreamy kind of girl who also has a very difficult temper getting angry to the point of violence which these days is very difficult because she's actually very strong and it's not always possible for me to put her in her room.

I love her dearly but she is currently completely convinced I hate her. In all honestly I do hate her behaviour at the moment, it's awful and it's making me throughly depressed.

She's suddenly very jealous of her brother (6). We didn't really have any great problems with jealously when ds was a baby so could it be a delayed reaction?
If the two of them argue/behave badly and I need to send them to their rooms/take away a priviledge I try to do it fairly - they both get sent to their rooms at the same time - ds will go and accept the time he has to spend on his own, dd will scream and shout and fight me every step of the way then accuse me of treating her worse that ds because I let ds come back and join in the game/whatever more quickly.
The reality is that dd and ds are very different children with a very different temperaments and she just needs more time to calm down.

I try to make time to one on one time with dd (she actually probably gets more of this than ds) - we like going out to cafes for hot chocolate and doing drawing or even just reading together and she's lovely when we have time just the two of us.

At the moment she and ds are playing very nicely upstairs which is in complete contrast to the screaming angry violent tantrum she had an hour ago

How on earth do we get through this?

blackrock Thu 30-Jul-09 10:23:32

Persevere with being consistent. Share time equally, and do not allow DD to see any preference in reaction to her behaviour. Hopefully more advice will come along soon. You are not alone in this. It's great you see it as a behaviour separate from your love for your daughter.

BiancaCastafiore Thu 30-Jul-09 15:03:21

Thanks.
I need help. I sat in my room and sobbed this morning it all got so bad. I don't know where I've gone so wrong. I do try to be a good mum but realise I'm not perfect and never will be.

FranSanDisco Thu 30-Jul-09 15:11:26

Can you sit down and talk through how she feels and why she reacts like this and how it makes you feel. I have same aged dd and ds as you and whilst my dd isn't quite as volatile as you describe she does get v. irritated by ds. She told me she thought I loved him more (that old cherry, we've all used it) but sometimes their feeling just need airing - justified or not. I have noticed that since turning 8 yo she has more temper traits. I was quite a temperamental (sp?) child but never had my feelings validated which resulted in resentment. I try not to be a 'pull yourself together' mum like mine was/is.

BiancaCastafiore Thu 30-Jul-09 17:11:33

Thanks.
I do try to talk to her about her feelings but will try again if the evening is quiet and we manage a calm bedtime....

blackrock Thu 30-Jul-09 20:48:42

How did it go?

I guess having some time altogether, but also some special time for each child i.e. a hobby, shared interest, or even just a walk together might be an abstract way of clearing the air through discussion?

BiancaCastafiore Fri 31-Jul-09 22:38:25

Thanks for asking We had a good chat at bedtime last night. She had no idea what's making her so cross but she became very tearful and I didn't want to push her - maybe there is no reason, perhaps it's just hard work being 8. I do think 8 is a difficult age, stuck between being expected to grow up and yet actualy too young to do too much yet. I asked her to think about what we could do to help her avoid getting so worked up and she has agreed to try to think before she speaks/lashes out.

However, we had another huge tantrum this evening because ds asked to sit in a differnt chair at suppertime making him too close to her and clearly he just exsists with the sole purpose of irritating her!

We continue to try and understand....it's so difficult though and is impacting on family life.

I am hoping for some time for an outing to our favourite hot chocolate cafe next week (minus ds)

danthe4th Sun 02-Aug-09 16:37:16

I hate to say it but it does sound quite normal, I have 2 older girls 12 and 14 who can both be lovely but then turn and hate each other and the 12 year old will often say I hate her and prefer the others, slam doors, punch walls etc. I've always tried to teach mine to walk away if they get cross but sometimes they seem to do it because they're bored or tired. We get a heavy dose of pmt in our house which started when they were about 9/10 a couple of years before their periods started but i'm sure it's all linked. I also think it's a bit of a control thing, my dd knows that if she kicks off she is the centre of attention, she is the 2nd child of 4 so they all have their moments. It's another phase that they seem to have to go through. I also think one on one time is great but can be used as another form of control, the more that they create a fuss, we try to give them more special time, they are not daft and soon learn how to manipulate.I don't mean that to sound negative but they like being top dog/favourite sibling for the day and the more quieter siblings who don't make a fuss have to live with it.

BiancaCastafiore Mon 03-Aug-09 15:14:55

I had a feeling it was probably fairly normal <sigh> we just need to set up rules on how we all deal with it so we can cope better.
The pmt comment is interesting too - there's definitely a monthy pattern to the worst of dds moods.

I'm sure you do this already but just remember to praise the good behaviour. If she's had a good afetrnoon/day just than her for been so good. My 8YO DD can be a bit of a monster with awful tantrums and temper so I know how hard it is. I worry it's going to get worse as she gets older.

Tortington Mon 03-Aug-09 15:36:36

i dont love any of you i treat you all the same

boo hoo get over it

thornrose Mon 03-Aug-09 15:40:06

Sounds exactly like my 9yo, she is hitting puberty running and I have awful PMT so I'm blaming it all on hormones!
Doesn't make it any easier to bear though. My mantra is, "you are angry but you are not angry with me" because she only has me to take it out on! I tell her it's ok to be angry but to think about what is actually making her angry once she's calmed down.
I'm personally seeing a strong link with boredom too after monitoring it for a while.

buy1get1free Tue 04-Aug-09 09:44:28

cvstard0 Random ! hmm

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