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DS1's behaviour ruining family life ATM. (long)

(6 Posts)
wigglybeezer Sat 25-Jul-09 18:15:40

DS1 (11) is away overnight on a sleepover, what a difference it makes to the whole families quality of life. Usually we are treading on eggshells but today We can be spontaneous, try new things,do joint activities with DS2 and DS3, his little brothers can talk without being told to shut up.
We are stuck in a viscious circle DS1 is almost always grumpy, rude, aggressive, mean and selfish and therefore we find it hard to maintain peaceful effective communication with him, he feels picked on and criticised...etc.

This has been getting worse for quite a long time, I am very sad to say that I find it difficult to be loving towards him these days as he is so horrid to his little brothers and so ungrateful for his relatively easy life.

He probably has a few traits of Aspergers syndrome which makes it hard for him to see things from others points of view (and eg, makes it vitally important that he does not miss one second of Top Gear even if it means him having a tantrum in public.)

My sympathy for his difficulties is running low, he does not seem to try to be nice, everything is someone elses fault. He can be brattish beyond belief. I feel a lot of parental guilt shouting at him to much and being too negative about his behaviour to his face, I feel like I don't have much time to sort this out.

Have read all the usual books but find it hard to keep up the posotivity needed in the face of behaviour from DS1 that would have got DH and I smacked and grounded when we were little.

He is good at school and usually with friends but horrid at home and also being difficult with his lovely grandparents, which really upsets me.

We try to make special time just for him but it is never enough for him, he is always disatisfied. I feel sorry for him and sorry for us.

I don't think i am a toxic parent, DS2&3 are happy children, but i am beginning to feel that I am in danger of crossing a line into bratcamp territory.

Help!

ptangyangkipperbang Sat 25-Jul-09 18:26:56

OMG I could have written that post. DS1 has gone on Scout Camp today and I feel so guilty that I know my week is going to be so much easier with him away.
He is also 11 with 2 younger brothers. He is fine with DS3 but so mean to DS2. He can't walk past him without 'accidently' bumping into him.
He can be so nice too. It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde. He went out for a day last week and brought presents for his brothers with his pocket money. He can be kind and loving and then suddenly loses the plot. Everyone else - teachers, friends parents, etc, etc, think he's fantastic, which in some ways makes the home situation even harder.
The thing I find most difficult is his attitude if he is told off. He accelerates from calm to horrendously angry in about 0.0002 of a second.
I've had such an easy day today. No squabbling, an easy trip to the park, the boys playing out nicely when we got home...
I too have tried the positive praise, 'picking my battles'- rather than nagging him about everything, but it doesn't seem to help.
Sorry I'm no help! At least you know you're not the only one living like this!

katedan Sat 25-Jul-09 18:41:02

This sounds like my DS1 who is only 6 but already effects the household mood. He can be lovley, helpful and caring but can also have terrible screaming tantrums, kicks, spits and hits DH and once to be in charge all the time. He seems worse at weekends as he locks horns with DH. I have two younger daughters aswell and he is very rough with them which means he gets told off and then he accuses us of not loving him. He is very embarrsing when we are seeing friends as we really don't know what to do to calm him down once he is in a tantrum/dark mood.

I am worried about the link with aspergers. How did you ge that diagnosed? Did you see a child phycologist? as that is the route we are considering.

wigglybeezer Sat 25-Jul-09 19:12:38

I found out about Aspergers because DS2 is supposed to have it(verbally DX'ed by educational pyschologist and speech therapist), but i have avoided having him formally diagnosed because he is mildly affected (and easy going and happy with it)...Therefore I have read many books about it and recognise the traits, I don't think DS1 would get a full DX, he just has some of the more irritating symptons not the full set IYSWIM!
I feel a lot of DS1's annoying behaviours are bad habits that he doesn't know how to break, he is not making himself happy with them. I wish he would learn from his more laid back friends and brothers.
Just got to keep it as calm as possible and accept that it is going to take a long time.
IKYYM about jeckyll and hyde, Ds1 is occasionally nice to DS2 but then has to "accidentally" hit him straight afterwards to even things out.
I have to say that men I know from families with lots of boys say that this kind of thing is normal but I can't just sit back and let DS1 be a bully in my own house.

He is very gentle and kind with animals and babies which bizarrelly gives me hope!

LynetteScavo Sat 25-Jul-09 19:29:50

wigglybeezer - I have no advice, but I coudl have written identical posts about my DS1 who is 10. You've almost made me cry. grin sad

LynetteScavo Sat 25-Jul-09 21:37:57

Bumping for wigglybeezer.

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