DS2 (3.4) is becoming really hard to control - I don't know what to do

[LadyOfWaffle]

DS1 (3.4) is driving me bonkers, he keeps pushing and hitting DS2 (11mo) and I have tried everything. I have sat and calmly explained (he understands), have taken him to his room, taken favourite toy away but he won't stop. He could be sitting on the sofa watching something quietly, jump off and kick the baby over and jump back on. Even when he is out and about - we went to an airshow on Sunday and DS2 was sat on the grass and DS1 stuck a tent peg in his ear and cut him. Every time he walks past him he 'accidently' sticks his hand out to bash him over. Every drink he gets as soon as my back is turned he is tipping over his toys, same with his cereal. I cannot keep up with it all. I can't have a shower during the day because I cannot leave them alone, I can't take baby to the bathroom with me because DS2 kicks the door and screams, I have to do everything with baby on my hip or watching them like a hawk.
I don't know how to deal with his behaviour, esp. the hitting DS2.

[littleducks]

hiya! how does ds see the baby? i know my dd was desperate for ds to grow up, now he is walking she is happier with him. But my ds now bites her as he is teething, not that has been a short sharp shock that has made her realise it isnt kind

[littleducks]

does he do this at preeschool?

[Luxmum]

My sympathies. Mine is (not quite) so bad, but yes, will hit or throw things at DS2. It's clearly a jelousy thing. If DS2 isnt there, DS1 is fab. If I give my attention and sit and interact and play with DS1, he's wonderful. The trouble is, DS2 is cute, eats well, sleeps well, is calm, funny and smart. DS1 whines, wont eat, wont sleep, is too smart, and is generally not much fun in comparison. So it's too easy to gravitate to the easier child, and unintentionally sideline poor DS1.. All I can do is offer my sympathies, advise you to TRY and spend one-on-one time with DS1, so he feels special. I have bought a how to talk books. havent read it yet, but other mumsnetters were raving about it and their 3 year olds..

[LadyOfWaffle]

He has told me "I hit X,y, z" at pre-school, also that he has been hit. I brought it up with the teacher as I was worried he was aggressive , but they brushed it off really so I think he is generally OK. He says he loves him, and wants to play but other times he snatches his toys off him and pushes him over... It's just so constant, not every now and again. He has probably done it about 5 times already today.

[littleducks]

Well if he doesnt seem to be 'aggressive' in general then I agree is prob a sibling jealousy thing, which will improve in time as ds2 can hold his own and is more fun to play with, if it is rwally getting to you is it worth considering a playpen? or any kind of 'safe area' so you can relax a bit

[LadyOfWaffle]

He would throw things in... but I may give it a whirl anyway, thankyou

[Ceebee74]

My DS1 was exactly the same - but it was for the first 2 or 3 months of DS2 arriving (and DS1 was 2.4) - but I remember how difficult it was and how upset I was about it.

We introduced a reward chart with DS1 - for every day he didn't hurt the baby/make him cry - he got a star and after x amount of stars he got his reward (which we made clear what it was at the beginning) so that if he looked like he was going to hurt the baby, we would just remind him that if he did, he wouldn't get a star and therefore wouldn't get his Thomas train (or whatever it was). It did work tbh and now (DS2 is 8 months old) he hasn't deliberately hurt him for a long time.

Another trick we used (we went through a LOT of 'trick's) - this one is a bit more immediate and may work better - is that each day, we had a 'good' cup with about 5 smarties in it and an empty cup (the 'naughty' cup). Every time DS1 did something naughty (whether it be hitting DS2 or whatever) we would remove a smartie and put it in the naughty cup (plus vice versa - if he did something really good, he would get an extra smartie in the 'good' cup - at the end of each day, he could eat whatever smarties were left in the 'good' cup.

Also, re leaving them alone together - we also had problems with that but we have put a stairgate on the door of DS2's bedroom so we can put DS2 in there and DS1 can't get in - it at least buys some time whilst I have a shower/stops DS1 going in at the crack of dawn and waking DS2 up etc.