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will holiday with father lead to separation anxiety?

(10 Posts)
NK33250fecX1228d4a0d1e Sat 18-Jul-09 11:17:41

My ex would like to take our 16 month old on holiday for two weeks. i believe this is far too long a separation as the longest he is separated from me at the moment is 2 days and this is only a very recent development. i feel this would have a detremental effect on my son but my ex feels i am being selfish. does anyone else have any experience with this sort of thing, which will help us come to an agreement?

Dragonrider Sat 18-Jul-09 13:28:49

I don't have any experience of this, so feel free to ignore, but 2 weeks sounds like a really long time considering he's only had sole charge for 2 days so far. Could you compromise by ex having only a 1 week holiday, but having a couple of weekends and gradually increasing the amount of time he is parenting before the holiday? Then he still gets as much time with your baby, but it's less likely to cause stress for eveyone. I wouldn't want to be dumped with someone I barely knew, and I'm old enough to look after myself. I would imagine it could be quite a traumatic experience for you and the baby to suddenly be split up for 2 weeks. I don't think you're being selfish at all. How do you know he is capable of caring for a baby full time for 2 weeks? (how does he know?) It makes good sence to make sure of these things before agreeing to anything.
Good luck.

bigchris Sat 18-Jul-09 13:32:26

who is he going on holiday with? his parents? they could help out?
I think as he's his dad all you can do is offer an opinion but unless you have a legal agreement then I'm not sure how you can stop him

but hmm at dragon rider's ' I wouldn't want to be dumped with someone I barely knew'
he is his dad isn't he?!!

NK33250fecX1228d4a0d1e Sat 18-Jul-09 13:47:18

Thanks Dragonrider for reply. Am trying to get things staight in my own mind as have to reply to solicitors letter requesting the two week access. Need to find a way of making him realise that this is not a good idea without him thinking I am questioning his parenting skills. He would be angry if i was to say he couldnt see DS for two weeks because he doesnt get to see him nearly every day the way i do. Will suggest building up length of contact gradually to see how DS reacts but have a feeling he wants a concrete answer which at the moment would have to be no and I know from experience he does not like being unable to get his own way.
Hope I'm not rambling too much!

NK33250fecX1228d4a0d1e Sat 18-Jul-09 13:53:49

Yeah, he's his dad and think he wants to be an important part in DS life (well most of time I think that), but feel he's being selfish.

Dragonrider Sat 18-Jul-09 14:51:13

If the longest he has ever had sole charge of his child in the last 16 months is 2 days (and presumably 1 night) then I don't see how it could be possible for them to have a close relationship. Just because he is the father doesn't mean that there will be a stable / secure relationship. The fact that the op is uncomfortable with this suggests that it's not quite as simple as him being the father and therefore fulfilling the role of a parent.

Jojay Sat 18-Jul-09 14:55:29

It's not clear to me how much contact your ex has with your ds atm. How well does your DS know him?

NK33250fecX1228d4a0d1e Sat 18-Jul-09 15:11:45

I split with DS father when he was 9 mths. At first access was sporadic (not my doing). eventually we agreed he should see him on a friday night till saturday evening one week and a friday night till sunday morning the next with him being able to visit at my home whenever possible. However he did not keep to this arrangement (he never seen him for the 2 nights at any point) with a different excuse each time. In the past few weeks we have decided on access which so far he has kept to but have a feeling this is because ex's parents do the picking up and dropping off, though perhaps he has realised he is missing out on not having a regular relationship with his son. so he now sees him on a wednesday evening till thursday morning every week, a friday night till saturday afternoon one week and a friday night till sunday afternoon the next.

NK33250fecX1228d4a0d1e Sat 18-Jul-09 15:17:48

I am sure my ex loves our son and vice versa but this does not mean that what he wants is best for DS, I feel he doesnt understand how important it is to put our childs needs before his own, though perhaps some might think this is what I am doing. Though I believe being apart from his mother for two weeks would have an adverse effect on him.

cory Sat 18-Jul-09 16:06:58

I went away from my dcs for work now and then, leaving them with dh; at least for a week or so. No longterm effects that I can see, but then they are very close to their dad. In fact, I think ds has suffered more from being away from his dad for 4 weeks in the school holidays every year- they're very close. But in his case it was worth it, because of other positive aspects of the holiday: also, we just don't have that situation where dcs are closer to one parent than the other.

My brother used to take his son for the holidays- but then again, he was always very involved with his care from the start, so that might not be your situation at all.

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