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when do the "aggression" and tantrums stop?

(7 Posts)
pamelat Fri 17-Jul-09 14:32:15

DD is 18 months old today.

I have posted a few times about my beautiful,funny, confident but highly spirited/strung little girl.

She really is fantastic fun and very brave. She has no fear (unlike her mum)

Since she has been about 14 months old (she was a bit slow to walk, think she was 13 months when she did) she has been quite volatile.

Her confidence means that she is quite domainant amongst her peers (again unlike me) and I am finding it very difficult as I find that she is aggressive, both towards other children and me.

She can be loving, she kisses, hugs, shows empathy etc but woe betide anyone who removes a toy or in my case, tries to stop her from mortal danger.

I am getting quite worried that she may be hyper active. She is always the most active child in any group, vocally and physically.

I am getting concerned about the way that interacts with other children. She seems to get over excited very easily

I try calming ideas, books etc, i distract, I take snacks but she is always the one left screaming or hurting herself (she acts outside of her capabilities)

As a consequence, I am always the harassed red sweaty mum runing around after her and checking that she does not hurt herself or anyone else. My other mmmy friends seem able to sit down and relax. I am becoming increasingly self conscious about this

DD should not be over tired. She sleeps well. 11 hours at night and 2 hours at lunch

She eats well and nursery (3 days a week) have no complains with her.

I would just like to know when she may, if ever, become calm and whether anything is "wrong" with her?

reikizen Fri 17-Jul-09 16:52:44

Without knowing anything about you at all I wonder if it is you that has the problem not her? That sounds awful doesn't it but what I mean is she sounds perfectly okay to me!! Especially as her nursery have not expressed any concerns. Some children are just more active than others and I wonder if we try to pathologise behaviour unnecessarily? You say she is highly strung etc, beware of ascribing behaviours to her that may then become a reality, babies change all the time. Perhaps try to relax a bit more and stop worrying so much what others think, sitting down and relaxing is not normally what mums of 18 month old babies do in my experience! It is a difficult age where they are whizzing about but always in danger of crashing into things, banging themselves etc and it can be very frustrating for them. Good luck. smile

failedflowers Fri 17-Jul-09 20:43:31

Hi. Unfortunately I don't have any miracle answers to share but I could have wrote your post about my ds who is two. Its not easy being around other mums when you are waiting for another episode to strike. I agree with reikizen in that sometimes I do make the situation worse but I don't think this is the cause of the behaviour just antagonises it at times.

I am currently reading every book I can get my hands on so if I find any hope I'll get back to you.

Supercherry Fri 17-Jul-09 20:55:06

You are worrying far, far too much. Your DD ticks every 'normal' toddler box. Really.

They are supposed to do the things you describe, that is toddlerhood, and all toddlers will act this way to a certain extent.

Your DD is not being aggressive, she is not capable of being aggressive, she is merely acting on senseless impulses.

A good read, which will help you put things into perspective and probably make you laugh is 'Toddler Taming' by Christopher Green.

Actually, I think your DD sounds quite fabulous and I'm sure you are doing a marvellous job, if worrying a bit too much.

pamelat Sat 18-Jul-09 19:01:43

Thank you

Today things feel a little bit more controlled

Seriously though everyone comments on my DD and either her "spirit"/"excessive energy"/"feisty nature" etc etc and I am definately becoming quite paranoid about it.

We had some friends stay over last night with their 18 month old too and the husband was saying how hard work my DD is

I obviously love her to bits but she is always the one shouting, climbing, throwing a tantrum etc.

I tell myself its because she is just too intelligence wink but it does worry me.

peanutpie Sat 18-Jul-09 20:31:01

Hi pamelat,
I have been thinking about your post all day and have felt compelled to reply to you. My son is now 2 1/2 and to get the bad news out of the way, he is still agressive and has tantrums.

However the good news is that I am feeling so much better about it now! One of main reasons being that all his peers are now well into their own version of the terrible twos so their parents have stopped being so smug!! It may be biting or slapping, mega eating problems, sleep problems, or crying at the tiniest knock (that can be mega irritating!). Whatever it is none of the parents I know are just breezing through this period with their feet up. All are at times (sometimes all of the time!) baffled at their kids behaviour.

I found Toddler Taming really helpful as well and reading old posts on this site. Also talking to a few helpful mums of older kids and childminders who have seen it all - they always have much worse stories and they reassure you that they all turn out fine. I think as time has passed I have got better at knowing how his buttons get pressed and avoiding those situations. At 18 months for example, it was great for him to get some freedom by doing something like running round a bit of grass or chasing a friend. At least there wouldn't be any possessions to fight over then!

Do you worry about what people think? I do and it is a killer. I don't know the answer to this but it helps me to try to be consistent in how I deal with tantrums & slapping etc. If I'm feeling really under pressure I take him out into the corridor for us both to calm down.

What was the 18 month old who stayed over like?? Were they actually perfect or did they just have different ways of hassling their parents? If so I'd love to find out what they are up to a year from now.

It also helps me to realise that although I appear to be nice and accomodating on the surface, there are plenty of times when I could slap one of the people around me. In fact I'm a bit jealous that toddlers can get it out of their system so quickly. Instead I have to patiently seethe until I can go for a run or vent to a friend!

meandjoe Sat 18-Jul-09 20:37:07

Oh Pamelat, your dd sounds lovely!!! Seriously, she isn't being aggressive, she's just got a strong personality and is acting out on impulse which all toddlers do.

People always comment on how 'active' and 'busy' my 23 month old is... in fact my mil is always telling me what a handful he is and how she doesn't know how we cope with him! It's true, he never stops, we are always chasing around after him and we used to have horrendous tantrums over every little thing although now he's talking he seems to understand a lot more and is far far easier going but still never ever sits still!!!

He is always the one who runs around during song time at mother and toddler group and fiddles with the fire extinguisher and climbs everything at soft play! There is little I can do about it and I realise he is just very very curious and interested in his surroundings. Basically anything he shouldn't be doing, he does it! Sounds like your dd is perfectly normal and will be bags of fun as she gets older.

Please don't compare. In my experience, the mums who can sit there and relax at play groups are often the ones who either have the rarest angel toddler or just don't interact with them at home as much as you do with your dd so they just don't demand anything.

I used to really think that my ds had ADHD or something, hinstead of sitting on the sofa, he'd climb it, he couldn't sit in a highchair to eat a meal. Although my ds was a nightmare baby, he's actually no worse than any other toddler with regards to tantrums etc and is just so full of fun and just bubbles with energy. Try not to worry about her. She sounds fab!

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