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Am I being too controlling....

(27 Posts)
ActingNormal Tue 14-Jul-09 17:41:48

....if I say:

1. Don't jump up and down on the bed

2. Don't leap off the furniture

3. Don't run up and down the room at high speed not really looking where you are going

4. Don't take scissors and sharp pencils upstairs, only use them at the table

5. Leave bedroom doors open so I can hear what you are doing and know that you are safe

6. No strings or rope like things upstairs in case you accidentally hang yourselves

7. No running off ahead on the pavement while walking along the road, walk next to me so I can make sure you don't get run over.

???

...because I am very anxious and I worry if I'm being overcontrolling because of my anxiety when I don't need to be. It's hard for me to judge when I'm being over the top or just careful like anyone would be.

My children are aged 4 and 6

McReverie Tue 14-Jul-09 17:43:55

1 2 and 5 maybe, 3,4,6 and 7 perfectly reasonable IMO

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jul-09 17:48:37

1. Don't jump up and down on the bed - Allowed in our house provided not so wild its going to break the bed.

2. Don't leap off the furniture - couldn;t be bothered to try and enforce this (life is too short)

3. Don't run up and down the room at high speed not really looking where you are going - I try to enforce this with mixed success.

4. Don't take scissors and sharp pencils upstairs, only use them at the table - quite right

5. Leave bedroom doors open so I can hear what you are doing and know that you are safe - hmmm not sure about that by 6yrs somewhere around 5/6/7 surely children should be allowed some privacy even if limited.

6. No strings or rope like things upstairs in case you accidentally hang yourselves - never occured to me but OK I suppose - can only think you'd need them for skipping anyway so they should be downstairs or in garden (can;t you accidentally hang yourself downstairs?)

7. No running off ahead on the pavement while walking along the road, walk next to me so I can make sure you don't get run over. - enforce this though I do allow his to walk a little further ahead - but no running.

reikizen Tue 14-Jul-09 17:51:44

I too am obsessed with accidental hanging! It does happen too. Some of your list are more of an annoyance than dangerous imo. (like leaping off furniture) and leaving doors open, well they love to have a secret life and I can live with that but roads and hanging I am with you all the way.

ActingNormal Tue 14-Jul-09 17:56:15

Thank you for responses so far. The leaving doors open thing is because if they are in there together I worry they may be hurting each other and I might not hear and put a stop to it if the door is closed. Does anyone have any thoughts on this specifically also?

The accidental hanging could happen downstairs as well but I would be more likely to notice if it looked like they were doing something dangerous than if they are upstairs.

I feel generally scared when they are upstairs full stop. I hate it. But I force myself to let them play up there because I know I am being stupid.

mrsmaidamess Tue 14-Jul-09 18:01:51

It would not occur to my children to shut their bedroom door. Are you telling them not to do stuff before they've even done it, therefore making an isssue out of a non issue?

I think sometimes children have to hurt themselves or make a mistake to learn...if you keep pre empting what 'might' happen, how will they ever learn about risk? Or they may deliberatly do the opposite.

And no strings upstairs in case you hang yourself? Completely OTT.

ActingNormal Tue 14-Jul-09 18:08:54

I agree that children have to have little accidents to learn and that if I'm overcontrolling I will prevent them learning and they will end up even more accident prone. I find it hard to know where to draw the line though so all your comments are really useful, thank you.

I'm not telling them no, before they've atually done it, I'm telling them after they've done it, to stop doing it.

mrsmaidamess Tue 14-Jul-09 18:12:58

You could rephrase all your 'Do Not's'. if one of them is jumping on the sofa 'We don't jump on sofas. They are for sitting on'

With scissors I think children should be allowed to cut wherever...(I mean what's going to happen?)show them how to transport scissors safely.

You do realise at school there are ropes, scissors, pencils, things to jump off, 100's of children racing around in playgrounds not looking where they are going, and they manage to survive that, right?

ActingNormal Tue 14-Jul-09 18:18:39

They keep them calmer at school than I do at home.

I feel they are more likely to be seen doing something dangerous and someone would do something about it at school than they are if they are upstairs at home and I am not right there staring at them.

In a wide open playground, running around doesn't seem so dangerous as in my fairly small house where there are hard surfaces in close proximity to where they are running.

mrsmaidamess Tue 14-Jul-09 18:21:29

'They keep them calmer at school than I do at home'

I don't understand what that means

flashharriet Tue 14-Jul-09 18:26:44

Re the ropes and strings thing - the thing to hammer home is never to put them round anyone's neck. Rope/string is not dangerous, it's how it's played with. I would certainly turn a blind eye to leaping off furniture and tearing around but have areas where they always have to walk (near hob/on stairs/next to roads etc.). I think your rules are fine but too all-encompassing IYKWIM and as your children get older they will understand that it's OK to do something in one place but not in another. I kept scissors downstairs until youngest was 5 or 6 (i.e. had started school) but she is v sensible. Barbie has had her hair cut (and dd1 has cut her own hmm) but other than that, it's been fine smile

ActingNormal Tue 14-Jul-09 18:27:01

My children act wild at home, very hyperactive, but at school/nursery they do things more slowly and carefully and have some self control. At home they don't seem to have any self control.

mrsmaidamess Tue 14-Jul-09 18:29:17

It sounds like there are more issues than just 'Don't do this don't do that'..they sound out of control. No wonder you are anxious. Do they have any boundaries? What happens if they do something unacceptable?

CarGirl Tue 14-Jul-09 18:33:21

. Don't jump up and down on the bed

big tick, head first off a high bed onto their heads not good, nor does it do the bed any good.

2. Don't leap off the furniture
big tick, Our chairs/sofa are for sitting on not standing on - I do not want them disrepecting other peoples homes in addition to our own by thinking it's okay to climb and jump on furniture.

3. Don't run up and down the room at high speed not really looking where you are going
"look where you're going" would be said

4. Don't take scissors and sharp pencils upstairs, only use them at the table
big tick

5. Leave bedroom doors open so I can hear what you are doing and know that you are safe
big tick, no slamming doors then happens, no fingers trapped and the 3 year old can be very naughty!
6. No strings or rope like things upstairs in case you accidentally hang yourselves
hmmm think all our dangerous stuff in the garden

7. No running off ahead on the pavement while walking along the road, walk next to me so I can make sure you don't get run over.
well I've trained mine to always stop and the curbs so they go ahead but not running ahead IYSWIM

I'm quite liberal in the freedom I give mine compared to most people I know in terms of not having my constant supervision etc.
???

...because I am very anxious and I worry if I'm being overcontrolling because of my anxiety when I don't need to be. It's hard for me to judge when I'm being over the top or just careful like anyone would be.

My children are aged 4 and 6

flashharriet Tue 14-Jul-09 18:39:18

Are your children boys or girls? I only ask because a lot of boys (and some girls too of course) are like dogs in so much as they need to expend lots of energy, otherwise they can act "hyper". I would spend a great deal of time in the park, walk to school, take them swimming, buy a trampoline etc etc. Encourage them as much as possible to be outside, even if it's raining/cold. I think you'll then find your indoor time to be a bit calmer.

ActingNormal Tue 14-Jul-09 18:45:20

I'm ok with dealing with unacceptable behaviour eg hitting, throwing things, by giving them consequences, but I do feel they are out of control and I think it is because I have too much of an urge to overcontrol them because I'm terrified of them getting hurt. They may not actually be out of control and I might feel that they are when they are just being normal. I'm trying to learn what is normal behaviour for children from other people.

They control their behaviour when they are out and they relax more at home and feel they can express themselves fully - which I recognise as being a good thing, but at the same time their wildness makes me anxious.

ActingNormal Tue 14-Jul-09 18:48:39

flashharriet, I have a boy and a girl. My DS is more physical than my DD when he is out but my DD is far more hyper than my DS in the house. I've often thought she has ADHD but she can't have if she can control herself so well at school.

Good idea about the garden, I often forget to let them go out there! I agree that children are like dogs in some respects hahaha

flashharriet Tue 14-Jul-09 18:48:55

Are they both boys?

flashharriet Tue 14-Jul-09 18:49:12

Aah x-post!

CarGirl Tue 14-Jul-09 18:50:47

I don't worry about my dc getting hurt but I want them to respect property and I like to keep tap on their behaviour towards each other ie nastiness or with the 3 year old, drawing on walls, climbing on the radiator, general destructive naughtiness that she can be prone to - lol!

Perhaps you need to look at dealing with your anxiousness?

they do sound normal mine would love it if I said it was okay to climb on jump on the sofas beds etc.

flashharriet Tue 14-Jul-09 18:52:24

Honestly, tip them out into the garden daily, especially any time they're getting a bit wild. Encourage them to climb, run, swing, bounce etc outside! I think so much of early education can be tortuous for the energetic child - there's an awful lot of sitting still on the carpet as far as I can see hmm. Give them a good run before you get home or tip them into the garden as soon as you get back and see if it helps.

MayorNaze Tue 14-Jul-09 19:00:27

i think all points are v reasonable

as long as you can give a decent, sensible justification for why you have the rule, then fine in my book

ActingNormal Tue 14-Jul-09 19:00:38

I am working on the anxiety CarGirl and reading all your comments helps with this as well so thank you.

I like your point about respecting other people's property so you should teach them to respect property at home as well.

I've been thinking about the letting them run off energy like dogs thing and thinking maybe when I don't want DD to do something I should think of an alternative thing she could do which would release some of her energy. Maybe I will make a list for myself so that I can think of things when I need them! There isn't always time to find alternative things for her to do though, sometimes I just need her to behave so I can get on with stuff.

ActingNormal Tue 14-Jul-09 19:03:54

Flashharriet, I will definitely try making garden play part of our daily routine after school! I don't know why it never occurs to me to do it!

CarGirl Tue 14-Jul-09 19:07:44

Yes all dc need to run around etc, fortunately we have a mile walk/scooter on the way home which helps.

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