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Help relationship with my own parents deteriorating since baby

(18 Posts)
misoramen Wed 08-Jul-09 21:06:31

My mum and dad take care of my 20 month old 1.5 days a week since I returned to work. They are loving and doting etc and he loves them. However, he reacts very stragely to me when I take him over. He simply ignores me, is all over my Dad (who, by the way, never leaves him alone) and when I pick him up hits me and is ittitable. This is creating a lot of tension. I get cross as he has his tantrums with me for simply putting his shoes on, and my father, who is short tempered anyway, gets cross with me for saying things like"He's never like this at home!" What should I do? My husband has tried speaking with my parents about the tension and has asked my father to try and take more of a back seat and give our son a little space. We don't recognise him when we go to pick him up.....Help....

Lulubee Wed 08-Jul-09 21:13:23

Well obviously when your DS gets to ang out with his grandparents it'sa novelty and he has SO much fun and they spoil him rotten, and then you turn up to take him home, and you're just boring old mummy!! He's also irritable because it's the end of the day and he's probably exhausted from all the stimulation he's getting while he's there.

Don't rise to it - easier said than done, but you are his mother, you'll always be his mother, and when he's miserable it's YOU he wants. I'd make light of it, don;t act like it's bothering you, just get him dressed and ready to go as quickly as you can and maybe make a jokey comment when he's hitting you like 'well if you're going to be like that, maybe we shouldn't bring you to Nana and Grandad's anymore!'. That should soon sort your dad out. smile

Jennylee Wed 08-Jul-09 21:15:32

why do you think your son is acting like this as is hard to understand from your post, i he having too much fun with your dad or is your dad too overwhelming for him as your post makes it hard to read what you mean. hope someone comes on with ideas to help. maybe its just his way of coping with the transition back to you

misoramen Wed 08-Jul-09 21:20:08

My dad is a big character- great with kids, super entertaining, but he never gives anyone any space. My son is obviously overly stimulated. Once he calmed down tonight he hugged me for ages at home- he needed calm. He got overly excited. Would nursery half a day help?

rasputin Wed 08-Jul-09 21:23:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

misoramen Wed 08-Jul-09 21:28:35

Thanks, Rasputin. Sometimes it's good to get a kick in the rear. I know we're lucky and I need to lighten up. This mummyhood makes you a bit nutty sometimes though and I start to doubt/questionn everything, including whether I'm doing a good enough job. I guess we all get days like that though. Thanks for the posts.

herbgarden Wed 08-Jul-09 21:42:53

Don't worry - my DS who is nearly 3 is like this with my in-laws. My own parents just potter around with DS and he does what they do and fits in - they do a few things with him but it's more like he is when he's with me. My in-laws on the other hand over-stimulate him and drop everything when he's around. As a result, he's a nightmare when I get him back - over excited, over-stimulated and generally a pain in the arse. I tend to leave them all to it and go out and know that when I get back they will all annoy me !!....but he adores them and they him (and DD who's too little yet to understand will no doubt love it all too !) so I just go with it. HTH's

Ozziegirly Thu 09-Jul-09 06:38:27

I remember when I was small, one set of grandparents totally doted on me (I was their only grandchild). I was bought sweets, presents, if I looked at something it would be there for me the next week. I was the total centre of attention and they were fully at my beck and call.

Mum said I was a nightmare when I was picked up from there.

Other grandma did lovely stuff like baking, playing in the garden, pop to the South Downs etc - lower key, but still fun.

Now, as an adult, although I am sure I was the devil when I was first picked up, I wouldn't change that time I had with either grandparent. I have lost all of them now, but I have such wondeful memories of those times and wish they were still here so I could tell them what a brilliantly happy time I had with them all as a small child.

It's only 1.5 days a week. I understand you don't want him over stimulated, but he is storing up fantastic memories for the future, and I bet your mum and dad love being able to show how much they love him, even if it's not in the way you would necessarily do things.

piscesmoon Thu 09-Jul-09 06:49:49

I think that is for such a short time each week that it doesn't really matter. He is having fun and enjoying it. If they were doing several days it could be a problem.

genieg Thu 09-Jul-09 08:42:07

My mother looked after DS1 while I was at work 4 days a week. She is very very indulgent, never says no and can do pretend play for HOURS. He too was overstimulated and it used to wind me up as I had to deal with bedtime etc and be the firm one when I got home.

BUT I repeated 'Be grateful, be grateful, be grateful' 100 times a day.

Fast forward he is now 4, I no longer work and he is very definately my son, thinks I am the greatest despite me being crap at playing! AND he has a wonderful relationship with his grandma who will look after him with no stress whatsoever.

I think a deep breath and a chill pill are in order. And rememeber to smile as much as possible when you're with them together..worked wonders for me!

Good luck

cory Thu 09-Jul-09 08:54:23

I think you need to learn to restrain your comments at picking-up time. Your parents are doing you an enormous favour, something that most of us can only dream of; the last thing they need at the end of a long day is to have you hint that it's their fault that your ds is throwing a wobbly. Babies this age do have tantrums. It's just the way things are. The way to reassure your parents is to cheerfully and competently get him into the car as if this was nothing you couldn't handle.

Big smile, resigned shrug at your Dad- all adults together. Otherwise you may well find yourself paying for childcare shortly- and there is absolutely no guarantee your ds won't do the same for the childminder.

idontbelieveit Thu 09-Jul-09 09:02:08

My in-laws do this too. It makes dd1 totally crazy but we only see them a handful of times a year so I grin and bear it as much as poss and when it gets too much I have a good bitch to my sister. Once your ds is a bit older he'll be able to take himself out of the situation if it gets too much for him.
Get through the home time as quickly as possible and try not to get too stressed, you'e doing a good job and your ds is lucky to have such loving grandparentssmile

misoramen - I have to say that I totally get where you are coming from.

My MIL watches my DS from time to time, and when it's time for him to come home he's a monster. As he's gotten older it's just gotten worse, screams at me that he doesn't want me he loves his gran etc etc. It makes me feel like shit actually. She can take him places I can't, will buy him things that I can't afford.

I don't have any suggestions for you. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in feeling like you do.

(actually in the last week things have improved. we've got a chart up and he responds to that - he knows that if he 'fusses' then he doesn't go up the chart. DS is nearly 4 though)

LupusinaLlamasuit Thu 09-Jul-09 09:05:03

You also have to get used to this kind of stuff in the long term also: kids often use their home and parents as the place where they let off steam from all their overstimulation, frustration and upset during the day. So when they go to nursery/school they can be beautifully behaved, then come home a monster.

It's your job to soak it up and help them deal with it, not assume what happens at home will happen everywhere smile

Earthymama Thu 09-Jul-09 09:10:16

All kids do this, angelic til Mum or Dad appears! My DGC always play up when it's time to go.

If I say that they've played really nicely my daughter knows they'll be at each others throats when they get in.

DD and DS did it, I probably did it, (though I'd have been smacked on the leg so may be a little more restrained smile)

As everyone has said, do the 'kids, what are they like?' routine. Ask your parents what you were like when you were little.

It's so special, being a grandparent, just be thankful that DS gets all this love. Ozziegirl's post summed it up really well.

You are right though it's hard when you aren't the absolute centre of their world, but the more peple who love us all unconditionally the better!!

cory Thu 09-Jul-09 09:19:22

Lupusina is just so right; it's about home being a safe place to let off steam.

Adults do it too: dh regularly used to come home and whinge and stomp about things at work- but when I asked him 'have you said this to the boss', he'd fall silent and look sheepish. Because he didn't really want to rock the boat, he just wanted a safety valve.

It's not because he loves his boss more than me, really it's not. wink

School is another classic, the number of children who throw wobblies or behave badly on the way home from school. They will be very tired after a long schoolday, so it's likely that any pleasant behaviour they are capable of will have been used up long before you get them home. They also usually adore their teacher for the first couple of years, and believe that teachers know everything better than Mummy. (Doesn't matter if teacher is a complete ignoramus and Mummy has a PhD in zoology, what teacher said about those tadpoles has got to be right.)

And then there are friends with more affluent parents, who will throw bigger and better birthday parties or take them out for wonderful treats or let them play with a big friendly dog, when you haven't got the space for as much a a guinea pig.

As a parent, you have to learn to be generous enough to accept that other people can give things to your children that you cannot. It doesn't matter: you're still the Mum and noone else can take that away from you.

It is of course up to you to decide whether you want to/need to work. But if you do, then chances are your ds will be tired enough for a wobblie regardless of who has been looking after him in the day.

i never should have had kids. my self esteem is too low for this shit.

rasputin Thu 09-Jul-09 10:05:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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