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dont know how to help my little boy but he is making life hell

(11 Posts)
debs26 Mon 16-May-05 10:59:48

ds1 is 6. i am no longer with his father but we have been thru court and he has an order allowing him to have a lot of contact (i agreed to this at the time) but the kids hardly ever see him, they always spend the time with his parents who spoil them rotten and are constantly telling them nasty things about me and dp, even getting ds1 to lie to the doctor about us abusing him (wasnt beleived). ds1s behaviour has been getting steadily worse and i have decided we need to get contact reduced so that ball is already rolling.

the problem is that his behaviour just gets worse and worse. he says he is choosing to behave badly. everytime we punish him he says he doesnt care because he will be seeing his grandmother soon and he can do what he likes there. he has been sent home from school a number of times and last week we decided to try keeping him at home for half of the day to see if it settles him. last week was great, them we had a lovely weekend until about 3pm yesterday when he turned into a horror for no reason whatsoever. he has been behaving badly since and i am at the end of my tether. i have given him the choice of behaving and coming in the living room with me and ds3 to do his school work or misbehaving and he will have to stay on the stairs. he has been on the stairs for about an hour now and he says he wants to stay there.

he can be so lovely at times, but when he wants to be bad he is rude, violent, obnoxious, and everything i say is always answered by 'its ok, grandma will let me do what i like when i see her'.

i have no idea how to help him. we have been to the gp who refered him to the behaviour problem centre, but they bounced the referal back to gp saying they can only take emergency cases (ie life threatening). they suggested another centre who told me they cant help, he is too old, try his school nurse. tried calling her, was told she is out but will call me back sometime this week!!

i dont know what to do. i have tried reading books but none of them address my situation. they all say to be consistent but that is the one thing i cant do - i am seen as the wicked witch and his granparents let him run riot. i have tried cutting out additives but they wont do it so twice a week he is pumped full of crap again and whatever i do is undone.

i suspect there is no one out there in this exact situation but if anyone has any words of wisdom i would be so grateful

colditz Mon 16-May-05 11:03:03

I think unless special arrangements have been made, there is no reason for him to see his grandparents at all. The court order was for his father to have contact, not his fathers parents.

debs26 Mon 16-May-05 11:06:55

problem is the court order allows his parents to collect the kids because xp was on bail when it was done and wasnt allowed near me. if i make a fuss he will just go over to their house so i cant get them back as it is legit. there is no way of getting round the contact, he really hates me and is willing to make things as difficult as possible. this is probably ds1s main problem. all i can do is wait to get it sorted in court

bossykate Mon 16-May-05 11:07:15

agree with colditz, if you think the issue is being made worse by contact with the gps - stop the contact with them.

good luck.

bossykate Mon 16-May-05 11:07:44

sorry to hear that. good luck with the court case.

flashingnose Mon 16-May-05 11:11:18

debs, I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this and very sorry for your ds1 as well - bless him, he's only 6. I haven't been in your situation but I'd suggest posting this again under Lone Parents as you're more likely to catch the eye of someone who has, maybe?

Good luck

debs26 Mon 16-May-05 11:25:47

ta for replies, have posted under lone parents (ta fn). wasnt expecting to find anyone else in this situation but am desperate. just dont know what to do.

WideWebWitch Mon 16-May-05 11:47:36

Hi Debs, this must be really hard for you. Courts are so wrong imo to make orders like this with no consideration for the effect on the child/family. But hey, if there's nothing you can do about the grandparents, leave it. You can't change it so I'd suggest you tell your ds you don't care what the rules are in their house but your rules are different. He's old enough to understand that IMO. My ds was at that age anyway. My situation isn't quite the same but I am divorced (amicably) from dh and ds, who is 7.5, sees him and therefore grandparents every other weekend. Ex dh and I have been apart for over 5 years. I am Ms Organic, non processed food, limit PS2, impose rules, have sanctions, blah de blah. They have no rules, allow ds to be in charge, let him have playstation whenever he wants it, feed him crap, don't give him any exercise and I intensely dislike it. BUT I realised a loooong time ago that I can't change it. I have tried, but I can't. So I know that 2 days out of every 14 ds gets stuff he wouldn't get at my house. But he totally understands that there are different rules for diff places. He came home last night and tbh, I think he was relieved to be back in a place where he knows the rules. He went to bed and slept for 11 hours because he needed it after a weekend where his father let him stay up until midnight. So, in your position I'd sort out some rules for your ds and make it clear to him that you have no control over the other place but your rules are your rules and are not negotiable. It sounds to me like he needs:

Clear boundaries from you, I think children, esp at this age want to know that they're NOT in charge. I think being in charge is scary for them. They like the power momentarily but they really want an adult to be the adult.

Kindness. Catch him being good and praise him for it. I hadn't been doing this often enough to my ds and realised it when I posted to someone else. I started doing it more often and it really helped.

It's often about attention with my boy. I posted recently and am about to update the thread but god, I was stupid, I hadn't realised it was all about attention, and it so often is ime. I got some great advice on that thread, maybe some of it will help you, I'll update it and post a link in a minute

Exercise - boys imo need exercising like dogs or that testosterone has no outlet

You can be consistent, you have to be, you are the most important person in his life

Pick your battles wisely. Someone on my thread said 'ask yourself does it REALLY matter?' and I'm really trying to do that.

I'll see if I can think of anything else and will post if so. Sympathy though, this must be very difficult. I hope there's something here that helps.

WideWebWitch Mon 16-May-05 11:57:08

here's my recent thread, there was some good advice there, something might help Let us know how you get on won't you? Also, have you thought of homestart? they might be able to offer you some support.

debs26 Mon 16-May-05 12:06:45

thanks www, thats really helpful. just knowing im not the only one helps! main problem is he does like being in charge and xp has told him that if he is naughty enough i will let him live with his grandparents! i have told him its not true but i think he is still living in hope makes it so much worse knowing that he doesnt want to be here but i cant let him go because they will screw him up forever

WideWebWitch Mon 16-May-05 12:08:09

He doesn't really, I really, really doubt it. He wants reassurance that you love him no matter what and that you WON'T let him go. IMO anyway.

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