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I really despise this child ....... whats the best way to deal with things?

(31 Posts)
mosschops30 Tue 30-Jun-09 17:04:51

ds has been at chilminders and nursery with same child for a couple of years.
When he first started with CM, his behaviour was so bad towards ds that she gave notice to childs parents, he ended up staying and CM has worked very hard to keep him under control. Nursery also complain to CM about his behaviour, so its not just us.
Anyway his parents know that he has issues but are under stress of their own (which will never change), and rarely want to deal with things, I have been at parties when he has behaved dreadfully and she just allows him to carry on rather than have a confrontation, he also wakes in the night screaming for her to get a drink/blanket/dummy (he's 5).

Went to primary school visit today, and he's there because sadly they will go through primary together, ends up taking toy off ds, bending his finger back, grandparent didnt say anything (i know her too, she often does the school run) so I ended up telling him off and she said 'oh Im sure he wouldnt have done it' to which i replied 'its been a daily occurance for years' at which she looked shocked and said 'oh I know he's nasty to his brother but not to X (ds).

Spoke to CM who says she doesnt mention every episode to parents as would take her an hour a day to report all his bad behaviour.

He really is the most dislikable (sp) child Ive ever met, he actually repels people (yes honestly). I just dont know what to do, and wanted a rant really. have already warned school and said I dont want them paired

mummiesnet Tue 30-Jun-09 17:07:08

Wow. Does your DS still go to the CM with this boy?

I would have switched cm's if this had happened to me. Not sure what you can do about school other than warn them about not pairing them as you already have.

BonsoirAnna Tue 30-Jun-09 17:07:31

This is difficult sad.

I doubt you can do much except rant a bit for now; when your DS and this other little boy start school in September, keep a very close eye on things and try to suss out what the class teacher thinks as soon as you have an opportunity.

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 30-Jun-09 17:10:17

There's nothing you can do about him, obviously, just make sure that your child is protected from him. I certainly think your childminder should mention each and every incident. If she doesn't then the parents think things are better than they are. Perhaps if they heard everything then they might think there was reason to act?

Certainly make sure the school keep him away from your child as much as possible and jump on everything. Complain each and every time. Demand action.

mosschops30 Tue 30-Jun-09 17:10:56

Yes still at same CM, who actually is the only one who can control this boy because he knows he cant get away with it and she will tell him off, discipline him. She has the patience of a saint, I would have killed him by now, he bit himself one day and blamed his brother, luckily she could see the little brother so knew he hadnt done it. I think he has major psychological problems, i will not be suprised if he graduates into some sort of serial killer shock wink. How can a child improve though with no consistent discipline

When I spoke to teacher she said she wouldnt pair them and was grateful id told her as she would have put them together because they new each other.

Mutt Tue 30-Jun-09 17:12:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mosschops30 Tue 30-Jun-09 17:13:23

Why? They both finish there in August anyway

ihavenosecrets Tue 30-Jun-09 17:14:26

It is quite normal to wake in the night asking for drink etc! In fact I would go as far as to say that most 5 year olds still wake in the night!

If the childminder is not going to give notice to the family you have to decide whether you want to move elsewhere. Might be a good idea as it doesn't sound as if the childminder has the situation under control.

You will come across far worse children. Ds's teacher has told me that there is one pupil in ds's class that continually tries to disrupt ds, but what can I do? I'm not there to do anything about it!

You do sound as if you have an intense dislike for this child which might be colouring your judgement a little. I think all you can do with the schooling situation is wait and see. It may be that the child poses no problems to your ds at all once they start school.

Mutt Tue 30-Jun-09 17:15:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummiesnet Tue 30-Jun-09 17:15:31

Did you ever think about changing CM? Agree there's little point now but am a bit shock that this has been going on for a couple of years and he's still there.

I don't know the full story though, maybe good childcare is hard to come by where you are?

Skedaddle Tue 30-Jun-09 17:17:27

Despise and repel are very strong words to use about a 5 yr old

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 30-Jun-09 17:19:05

I don't think I'd be having fond thoughts about someone who hurt my child on daily basis, even if that person was only 5!

Skedaddle Tue 30-Jun-09 17:21:56

Surely it's the parents fault though. The CM does sound like a saint and as if she is doing a good job.

If I found myself feeling that negatively about a child I would have changed CM's, so there would be some distance before starting school.

mosschops30 Tue 30-Jun-09 17:34:51

really ihave?? Neither of my children have woken in the night at that age screaming for a drink, unless they are ill, IMHO a child who screams (not just crying out, screaming until they get up, and more often than not refused to go back to sleep, then they stay up with him) at night for a blankie/drink/dummie at 5 is demanding and unecessary.
Also seems he is already causing problems on the visiting days so I think its unlikely he will stop as soon as they start. And like I said its not just me, everyone who meets this child instantly dislikes him, he is positively horrible.

My childminder is not at fault and deals with him far better than any of his family do, but she does feel like shes fighting a losing battle as by friday he is much better but returns on a monday a little horror again
I think we are going to have to discuss this though when my newborn goes to CM next year, I cant go through it all again (their new baby also due same time), thankfully my CM makes far more money out of me so might be able to swing it. And yes good childcare is hard to find, especially when you work shifts and work full time, sometimes he has ds at 6.30am, she will sometimes do overnight as a favour if stuck without charge, and on other shifts he can be there until 7pm so yes, I could not and would not want to be without her, ds is very much a part of her family

mosschops30 Tue 30-Jun-09 17:36:10

meant screams until his parents get up to him, and also that 'she' has him from 6.30am not 'he'

SecretSlattern Tue 30-Jun-09 17:41:17

I kind of understand where you are coming from here. DD has been in reception with a little girl who has effectively bullied her for pretty much the entire year. Our circumstances and the circumstances of the girls family mean that we often lean on each other for school run help but recently, DD's behaviour has become uncontrollable, she is rude, aggressive and just horrible atm. Much of her behaviour is a carbon copy of this little girl. DD gets hit and scratched and screamed at in front of me by this child and was once told "the more you cry, the more I like it" hmm. DD got to the point where she wasn't eating recently and that was the straw that broke the camels back for us.

DH and I have taken drastic measures now and from September, DD will be leaving all her genuine friends behind to go to a new school.

I understand it is a tricky situation to be in and you have done the right thing by speaking to the new teacher and ensuring they are not put in together. However, you can't control what happens on the playground. It took us a while, but is there no way you would consider another school for your child?

screamingabdab Tue 30-Jun-09 17:58:28

SecretSlattern Horrible experience for you. Sorry you had to take such drastic action.

Mosschops I sympathise with your concern, but it is just possible that this child's behaviour might improve with good disciplinary structures at school

mosschops30 Tue 30-Jun-09 18:01:55

secretslattern, so sorry to hear about your dd and what a miserable time youve all had. I hope things will improve at the new school. My friend moved her children recently to another school due to bullying issues and her kids have never been happier and love their new school.

screaminabdab - i do hope so, but even with the best teaching in the world you need to have the support of parents to improve behaviour and sadly thats just not going to happen

AintMisbehaving Tue 30-Jun-09 18:14:48

We've been there, I can't say I had as such strong views, but I would have got there if the problem was bad enough. It is a basic instinct to protect your child.

I think that those kids brought-up not to hit etc and are told right-from-wrong etc, can have a real shock encountering other kids who have had less barriers in a school env.

I would not move, after all what happens if the same situation arrises again ? If this child is picking on your child, then other bullies could also see your child as a
target.

I eventually came up with a way of dealing with the problem... I decided to approach it as a problem that I with my child would try and manage, thus he (and me!) would become more equiped to deal with future suitations.

1) Make effort to build friendships between your child and as many other kids as possible

2) Introduce a bit of rough play with your child - a play fight with Dad, play football etc. Your son needs to stick up for himself.

3) Try not to get worked up about it your child will pick up on this and the things you say... I dont think it will help him.

4) Keep giving your child positive messages and try and give him something to look forward to to counter anything that happens at school

5) If this child is so bad, eventually no one will wont to play with him. Or his behaviour could improve with age

Best of luck

FranSanDisco Tue 30-Jun-09 18:15:20

I once knew a child like this. He went to the pre-school I worked at and left to attend the local primary's nursery. By Christmas he had returned to us, with mother begging for him to be taken back. The nursery had constantly reported bad behaviour - the pre-school had not. The manager of the pre-school took him back and we had 2 terms of his bullying behaviour. Unfortunately, pre-school tend to have part-time staff and consistency is hard when sanctions available are limited. The manager rarely reported back to the parents, who would greet him at the door with bags of sweets, as staff and children rubbed their bruises. When he did eventually go to another school, into Reception, things got going. There was a meeting with the SenCo but what was implemented was clear and unmoveable boundaries. This child plays with my ds now, to be horror at first. He is a pleasant child by all accounts. Perhaps this may happen to this child you know. The alternative is that he will meet his match and learn the hard way.

Kimi Tue 30-Jun-09 18:36:31

Do you think you have any chance of getting the CM to drop the other family?

Also try and speak to the head of school before school so he can be watched and SENCO involved early if needed.

ICANDOTHAT Tue 30-Jun-09 18:58:20

Not read whole thread so apologies if already covered .... have you considered this child may have special needs ? Often kids on the 'spectrum' or other learning difficulties can behave aggressively or anti-socially as they have problems communicating their emotions and feelings. I feel sorry for the little boy and his parents if this is the case and maybe they are working towards a 'solution' together which you may not be privvy to. Just thought you may want to think of it from another possible angle. Either way, I'm sorry your little one is having these issues - it's very tough.

ICANDOTHAT Wed 01-Jul-09 09:34:27

ps forgot to mention I was a bit shocked with the OP's tone and was worried that a grown woman and mother could despise a small child this much. Are you sure you are talking about a 5 year old ?? hmm

screamingabdab Wed 01-Jul-09 10:24:15

Good posts ICANDOTHAT

buy1get1free Wed 01-Jul-09 13:23:51

I find it really worrying when adults have these very unhealthy attitudes towards small children sad It's like a witch hunt against someone very vulnerable and unable to defend or express themselves and I find your use of the word 'repels' and comments like 'I would have killed him by now' and referring to him as a potential 'serial killer' really offensive when talking about a little person. I think you have a problem that can only be sorted by removing your darling child from the same school or CM and stop winging about a 5 year old child FFS !! Other adults shouldn't give you the time of day unless they enjoy bullying and bitching as you so obviously do angry

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