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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

if you are a bit unconditional and school is very reward based...

13 replies

oopsagain · 25/06/2009 18:12

how do you reconcile how school does it vs how you do it.

Ds1 had all sorts of merit points at school and he is incredibly competitive.

I try to get him to think about consequences and feelings and how his actions CAN IMPACT ON all of that...

ND I MUST ADMIT WHEN heis proud of getting merit points, my hackles raasie a little.

there'sa new haed who i think is working hARrd and getting soem externa;;y good results, but i do hate the "control through rewards/points/stickers" type of system and the school seems to be chamging and going down this route.

any comments/bits if support/blah blah

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Umlellala · 25/06/2009 19:11

Oh, I agree it is a bit weird and annoying. Dd comes home from playgroup with a sticker she got for 'sitting on a chair' . I just giggle to myself, and say well done, and try not to make too big deal of it... They are lovely and do lots of praise and 'unconditional' stuff too.

BUT I think most schools do rely on some sort of external reward. Was on supply today in an outstanding Primary school and the kids said 'do we get a prize if we do xyz' and I said 'no, but I will give you my admiration. and a clap'. Response was... well... Will bring stickers next time...

Tbh it is hard to do unconditional parenting style with 30 kids so a sticker/merit points system is short-hand for 'yes, well done, what you did there, I saw, and thought it was really good'. Another argument for small class sizes IMO.

Oh, I agree it is a bit weird and annoying. Dd comes home from playgroup with a sticker she got for 'sitting on a chair' . I just giggle and say well done, and try not to make too big deal of it...

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nickschick · 25/06/2009 19:17

I dont think it is all about the 'prize', at primary school several of my mum friends worked and couldnt get to the friday awards in school- so I used to go in on standby for them my friends little girl won and when her mum said to her was she pleased with her sparkly pencil prize she said i like it when i win cos Dee(me) always gives me a special smile!!!

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piscesmoon · 25/06/2009 19:23

I don't think it matters-DCs are very adaptable and can quite easily manage with 2 different systems in different places.
Once they start going out into the world they get lots of different experiences. I don't believe in people getting bonuses for doing their job well, but I can't change it!

Ultimately your DC will decide for himself which system suits him.
Just continue to set your own example at home. What you do, always has more impact than what you say.

Quite honestly it is a matter of having a large amount of DCs at school. If we have been doing art and the room looks like a bomb has hit it, I find it really effective to offer house points for the table who are clean and tidy first. I don't really care how we achieve it, as long as it is tidy, quickly. If you just appeal to their better nature some DCs do all the work and some manage to do very little! If there is a lot of time you have more choice of methods-if you have 5 mins you go for the quickest!

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Umlellala · 25/06/2009 19:23

Aw, that's sweet! Of course it isn't always about the prize. I only meant that light-heartedly! I have used lots of 'unconditional' techniques in my teaching, and lots of teachers do. I do think external rewards sometimes confuse students into thinking that's what they are after when actually what they liked was their teacher saying 'oh, what a realistic drawing'... but I think they are pretty unavoidable in teaching. Maybe. Too tired to think about it!

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piscesmoon · 25/06/2009 19:38

I think I am fairly 'unconditional' in the actual teaching, but rewards come in handy for the extras. The tidying up is the one that springs to mind but there are others. Last week a DC had lost a little fossil that he brought in to show the others (a somewhat careless DC)and was upset. I asked them all to look-most seemed to wandering aimlessly with no particular purpose so I offered 2 house points to the person who found it. Rightly or wrongly, it provided motivation and it was found under a book. I hadn't got lots of time to talk about losing things, being kind etc-it just did the job in record time. Time is the one thing I never have at school-it is quite different trying to get things done with 30 DCs rather than 1 or 2.

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oopsagain · 25/06/2009 20:00

fair enough- i see the point now...

i'll not get annoyed with it then - i'll find something else

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piscesmoon · 25/06/2009 22:28

There is no need to change anything you do at home, there are lots of things that you do at schools and not home and vice versa.
I find that the schools that I go to tend to use house points or table points rather than stickers and it is a group thing. Not all DCs like stickers-if offered I have heard them say 'no thank you-I don't like stickers'!

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oopsagain · 25/06/2009 23:15

i wasn't going to change anything at home.
i was thinking of asking at school how they really justified it,,, but it's been justified quite well on here so I'll leave it, together with the "i at all my dinner2 stickers

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whomovedmychocolate · 25/06/2009 23:35

Actually in our house DH is unconditional and I'm the merit sticker person and our DCs cope with this paradox remarkably well. I'd worry about something else if I were you.

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oopsagain · 25/06/2009 23:48

yeah, i eas thinking that too.....
glad to have MN to put a bit of perspective on stuff

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piscesmoon · 26/06/2009 07:00

I didn't imagine that you were going to change it. I was just trying to say that your DS can manage 2 systems quite easily.
I wouldn't ask the school how they justify it- unless you are used to coping with large numbers of children and very little time and have a system that gets boring jobs done without a bit of extra incentive. Or you are willing to go in a lot and volunteer-extra adults are a great help!

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flamingobingo · 26/06/2009 07:48

I deal with it by home educating

Guess that's not an option for you though, or you'd be doing it already!

I have to say I'd find it very frustrating, and do anyway when they go to groups with reward-based systems, but that's only a couple of times per week rather than all week-long - that I'd really struggle with.

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oopsagain · 26/06/2009 08:10

i think i'd like to home educate actually.... always thought about it.

i think it would suit ds1- school seems to bring out the worst in him...

but i need to work and at this stage inmy life just can't afford not to.

in a coupld of yr i may well have an educational qualification and some money stashed...so can drem about it a bit...