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potty training dilemma

(10 Posts)
pinguthepenguin Wed 24-Jun-09 10:18:32

Hi guys, I know I should maybe be posting this in another section, but there seems to be more success with replies here. Sorry in advance also, for the length.

My DD's father and his wife started potty training our DD (23months) whilst she was staying there for a week. I was on hol at the time. I wasn't too happy about making aunilateral decision like that, as ultimately it is me (and her childminder) who would be doing the bulk of the work to see it through. I also thought DD was too young, and hadn't shown any signs of being ready whatsover.

Anyhoo, when I collected her after the weeks hol, they declared her 'done', i.e. potty trained and gave me loads of instructions (yes really) on how I needed to see it through. I didn't argue with them, or protest that they had started it without dicussing it with me, but then thats pretty par for the course with me and them- very controlling people.
I knew, wholeheartedly, that DD would not be 'done' as they put it, and in fact, fast forward a month and I am on average, changing her clothes 8-10 times in one day. On saturday past, I had changed her 6 times by lunchtime and the frustration had me in tears. She will poo in the potty no problem, will wee in it if I'm on her back all the time to use it, mostly though, she will sit on it for hours on end and produce nothing, then stand up and promptly wee in her knickers. So, after much deliberation, I text her father and said I didn't think she was ready, and he went off on one. Said no way was I to put her back in a nappy, she is ready, keep going, etc etc.

This has left me very upset, because my DD lives with me, goes to her dad arounf 1.5 days a week, but I'm being held over a barrel by him. I know his wife is heavily behind it as well, but he would not comment on this.

I was so tired of it all that last night, after the advice of my mum, I bought some pull ups and told DD they were knickers. She seemed happy to wear them, but since then, has done nothing on the potty, and actually refused to sit on it this morning- something she has never done. It seems she is not daft, and knows full well that the pull up is in fact, a nappy, so she's doing her wee's in that now. Have I done the right thing? I fear there will be a major fall out from her father wehn he finds out, but I had to bring it under a little control. My childminder is lovely, but cannot mop up my DD 8 times a day when there are other children to tend to.

I also feel now that I've taken a step backwards, with my DD refusing to sit on the potty since last night. I know its early days with the pull ups, but what do you think? Do they work? are they confusing?

Could you also advise on how I should handle exp? I feel he will completely go off on one, and most probably revert to doing his own thing with DD, i.e, knickers, which will confuse her even more. At the end of the day, I didn't agree with them starting potty trraining, but carried on supporting something they started for my DD's sake.

pinguthepenguin Wed 24-Jun-09 12:40:18

anyone?

mamadiva Wed 24-Jun-09 13:02:06

First of all DO NOT let your DD's dad tell you what is right for your daughter!

If she was displaying signs she was ready then fair enough but you say she was not and potty training has to be done when a child understands they need the toilet. My DS is 3 on Friday and refuses point blank to do the toilet anywere other than his nappy but that's fine with me.

You are the one who looks after your DD most of the time so you should be the one who makes these decisions!

Tell them it is clearly not working and you do not want your DD to be forced into something so major, if she's not ready it won't work end of...

I'm sorry your in this situation your DD father and wife sound horrid!

smallchange Wed 24-Jun-09 13:07:44

I've just moved on to pull-ups with ds. He's not quite there yet in terms of asking to use the potty but we've started putting him on it at home at regular times, usually with a result, and he's started asking at nursery to use the toilet - was completely dry & clean one day last week!! (but not since, and never at home hmm)

I don't think he's ready for boot-camp style potty training yet but the pull-ups are easier to pull down for using the potty. I don't call them pants, they are a nappy and I don't want to confuse him when he moves on to actual pants.

It's working for us. There is progress and we're all happy, which is really all that matters.

smallchange Wed 24-Jun-09 13:11:28

Ds is is 2.7 btw and at 2 would have had no idea. Your dd sounds a bit like my friend's ds who was "trained" by his granny at 2...and was back into nappies fairly swiftly after my friend got fed up with the incessant changes of clothes (she had a newborn to cope with as well - her mother had very helpfully decided that her ds should be out of nappies while she was lookng after him while my friend was in hospital hmm)

lillypie Wed 24-Jun-09 13:28:47

I would leave her alone for a couple of months,have the potty around and ask her casualy if she would like to use it but don't stress about it.

Secondly I would recommend this book.It comes with a reward chart and stickers and it really helped with my DD.

Stick to your guns you know your DD best smile

pinguthepenguin Wed 24-Jun-09 14:20:42

thanks for the replies, others welcome. I need to get a bit of perspective on this...as I'm now stressing that I'm doign my DD a diservice by putting her back in nappies/pull-ups, when there has been some success with potty. Not much, but some.

Trouble with ex and wife...is that any opportunty to undermine me/take a cheap shot (i.e starting potty training behind my back) is taken and resistance is never taken lightly.

FairyLightsForever Wed 24-Jun-09 14:36:38

My DD is nearly 2.3 and is showing signs of being ready by telling me that she is weeing, but refuses to sit on the potty and is quite happy with her nappy. In my experience 2.6+ seems to be the most successful age to start potty training.

BlueberryPancake Wed 24-Jun-09 18:48:24

This is a very difficult question as it has two issues that can be completely split. Your ex controling something that he shouldn't control, and potty training. Is there a compromise? You could say to your ex that it is normal for many kids to regress after a few weeks, and the important think is that she doesn't stress out about it so the only solution is to give her a little break, and when she is ready again you will put her in knickers again. It's all true. The important thing is that she doesn't become nervous, scared, or anti-potty. You could try again in a few weeks, buy her a new potty and new knickers, and start on your terms.

pinguthepenguin Thu 25-Jun-09 10:48:56

thank you guys

It seems ex is pretty much in awe of new wife, and will do whatever she says. She has a child also, and so maybe potty trained her little ds early when he was young, but not all children are the same, right?
I'm not just dealing withex tbh, i'm dealing with his wife who expresses everythign through him.

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