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I think I put this in the wrong section -please help DS refusing to use toilet til it hurts

(20 Posts)
hereidrawtheline Sun 21-Jun-09 17:43:17

Hi I posted this in potty training but as he has been trained for a year I think it was the wrong place. Please see here this

but I'll just copy & paste what I wrote

DS is 3 next month, he's being evaluated for SN specifically ASD related things. He is very bright and also worries and frets a lot.

A few months ago we was drinking such a massive amount of milk overnight that his bed was wet each morning, so DH explained to him that we were going to reduce his milk so that his nappy didnt leak. Then started the weeks of insomnia. He started keeping himself awake really nervously all night long because he was refusing to wee in his nappy. I finally got out of him why he was refusing sleep until pure exhaustion took him and he said it was because he didnt want his nappy to leak if he relaxed and weed in it. We managed to talk him out of that.

But now in the day we find he is holding it almost constantly - he doesnt wear a nappy in the day. He squirms and holds his wink and shifts around on his bottom and cant focus on anything but refuses point blank to use the potty til it gets almost heated and we make it a condition of doing some fun activity - even then it usually still ends in a meltdown.

I know he is holding it a lot at preschool (he goes 2 mornings a week) and the other day refused to go at all until around 12:30 when I know he needs a wee when he wakes up in the morning.

I am worried because he is so neurotic over the whole potty thing. It seems now he is seeing it almost as a failure if he admits he needs it. I know part of it is that he doesnt want to miss a fun activity but I always promise him that what we are doing will be put on hold til he gets back.

What can I do to help him get over this?

dinkystinky Sun 21-Jun-09 17:47:08

Maybe go back to rewards - star and chocolate button for every wee he does in the loo/potty? My DS1 (also 3) holds his wee in for ages but will NOT go to the loo if suggested in true threenager style - he basically holds it in till he wets himself. We've decided to let him keep doing this in the hope he'll eventually realise that going to do it in the potty/on the loo is a better idea all round - some days he gets it, other days he doesnt.

sweetfall Sun 21-Jun-09 18:06:09

I'd put him back in nappies tbh. I think the emotional strain that is showing is detrimental and it doesn't matter if he's in nappies.

Wait a few months and start again. Perhaps using movicol

hereidrawtheline Sun 21-Jun-09 19:54:56

sweetfall I dont mind him being in nappies at all, tbh I wasnt all that keen on him being potty trained when he was, I felt it was too early but DH really felt he was ready and DS didnt seem bothered either way. But as he has grown since then I look back on it with sadness because he is so bloody hard on himself with everything he thinks he is "supposed" to do and I just wish we had delayed introducing that concept. It is one of my 3 big regrets of parenting him so far, the other 2 being I weaned him at 4 1/2 months on advice from HV and the other being how low I was when I had PND. But that is a whole other subject.

But the thing is he is perfectly vocal and really very thoughtful and decisive and I think he would flat out refuse to wear a nappy now. He is really, very prideful about things like that. Makes me really sad tbh and worried. The whole SN thing has been looming a long time.

sweetfall Sun 21-Jun-09 20:55:59

So how would he react to being given the choice but the choice being go to the toilet every half hour and try or go back to nappies? (but with no condemnation either way)

hereidrawtheline Sun 21-Jun-09 21:08:15

that is a good idea - I will talk it over with him tomorrow, thanks. He is at the moment sitting next to me watching Rosie & Jim as he refuses to sleep again. I am worried sick about him he has so many strange little habits. He is constantly widening and blinking his eyes in a funny way and all sorts. He is the loveliest child ever but he seems emotionally really strange.

sweetfall Sun 21-Jun-09 21:28:47

He will be fine but more importantly you will be fine and whatever happens he will always be your darling little boy.

As for the bigger picture ... I know that what you are going through at the moment is horribly stressful. You are hiding your anxiety and concern in your love for your child. If you will allow me to give you some unasked for advice it would be try not to be stronger than everyone else .. you are allowed to need help and support thought this.

hereidrawtheline Sun 21-Jun-09 21:34:41

sweetfall that is really very kind of you. Thank you. I am upset to be honest. Not just about my worries with DS but with a lot of things that are happening at the moment. I feel really beaten up in many ways. But I am trying to keep spirits up etc. And tbh I dont really have anyone I can unload to. If I put one post here about everything I was upset about at the moment it would be too long for anyone to read, and I would inevitably be accused of wallowing in it, which I really am not. I am really not like that at all in RL. But I feel like when I bitch or rant or weaken and cry there is always someone to say I am wrong or selfish. This has been going on many years though and I now feel unable to really let go with anyone.

Gosh see there you go! I said a lot! LOL

Really, thank you for saying such a lovely thing to me.

sweetfall Sun 21-Jun-09 21:56:19

You are not wrong or selfish to need to bitch or rant. And it is not weak either.

I'm sorry I do not know you, I have not been on here for a long time. But everyone knows that life is tough and hard, that those who always act strong and in control and can take everything (like you, like me tbh) have moments of terrible pain where it all feels like its crashing down.

We are allowed to wallow before picking ourselves up. Much as we support other people we are allowed to accept that support from others, its just for some of us (me though I don't know if you) it is far easier to get that support from strangers rather than those we are emotionally invested in.

Does DH understand? Does he help, is he part of it or is he cutting himself off for the painful parts and leaving it to you?

sweetfall Sun 21-Jun-09 22:02:39

May I ask whether you post on the SN board? I know you don't have a SN diagnosis, and may not get one, but I think possibly the range of experience you need to tap into may be there .. certainly the knowledge and understanding will be

hereidrawtheline Sun 21-Jun-09 22:39:09

sorry I am having a major ordeal with DS. going to go for the night now to try to help him again, will post properly tomorrow. thanks again.

sweetfall Mon 22-Jun-09 18:57:44

you ok today?

hereidrawtheline Mon 22-Jun-09 19:49:31

hi there! Yes I am ok. Still worried but that is just in the background all the time. He wouldnt sleep all night last night. He constantly complains that his legs hurt - that has been for months but lately much more. And then at around 4 am he finally went to sleep after worrying for ages about the door closing. I am just really tired today tbh but not upset. He sees CAHMS this thursday and I am trying to gear myself up for it and bring myself to write all the issues down. Which I havent done yet. He has used the toilet today when we absolutely made him.

How are you?

sweetfall Mon 22-Jun-09 20:41:11

I have been wondering whether you might find this book of some use? It comes highly recommended by a friend of mine who knows lots about lots of stuff.

hereidrawtheline Mon 22-Jun-09 21:12:13

that book looks great - thank you I think I'll buy that!

Also you made me smile "friend of mine who knows lots about lots of stuff." that sounds like something I would say about one of my friends!

sweetfall Tue 23-Jun-09 17:10:20

Oh good, I'm not diagnosing of course (I think you've got enough of that) just many behaviours that seem odd in a small child can be due to some kind of sensory dysfunction .. hearing things so loudly they hurt, seeing things in a scary way and a couple of things you mentioned about your lovely DS made me think of it

Anyhoo good luck for Thursday

And remember an internet site is a good place to "open the top of your head and let the crazies out" wink .. try it .. it can help with the anxious moments

sweetfall Tue 23-Jun-09 17:11:07

What are you going to do about his toileting issues .. did you get a chance to talk to him or are you going to leave it?

hereidrawtheline Tue 23-Jun-09 19:18:02

well he has thrown a stink but I have been making him sit on the potty and for once he is actually complying with it! His sleep is horrific - got up at 3 am this morning, lovely! shock

I am really looking forward to thurs in a strange way and really hoping they can shed some serious light!

How many DC do you have?

sweetfall Thu 25-Jun-09 18:07:59

How was CAHMs?

sweetfall Thu 25-Jun-09 18:08:24

oops sorry I have a boy of 8 and a girl of 5

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