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ds 3.8 been horrible to others at nursery 2 days in a row.....and doesn't seem bothered...what do I do?

(12 Posts)
dandycandyjellybean Fri 19-Jun-09 15:59:49

On Wednesday apparently he pushed someone over and hit another boy, and today he threw sand at someone. Both times nursery had already given him a time out, but we both individually told him how disappointed we were with this kind of behaviour, and talked and reasoned with him about how the other children would have felt, how would he have felt, etc. He has also taken to hitting us in temper, or throwing things, for which we send him to bed for a short while or naughty step. But it doesn't seem to be stopping him from doing it iyswim.

I wanted to try a really unconditional parenting approach (just bought the book) but I feel really upset about this and feel that I must make a strong stand about it...am at a loss, can anyone help?

dandycandyjellybean Fri 19-Jun-09 16:46:53

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dandycandyjellybean Fri 19-Jun-09 16:50:17

can anyone help me? Please?

bubblagirl Fri 19-Jun-09 16:55:54

the thing is at this age all actions are spur of the moment they need to make sure ds is observed and to amke sure he isn't in a situation his uncomfortable with or bored etc do they get him to say sorry to child so he knows his actions are wrong

some children are not phased with time out at this age they dont have much concept of others feelings just need to know the action was wrong by being made to say sorry cleaning up his mess etc

why is he frustrated enough to hit whats causing this? hows his speech? i wouldn't use bed to be honest that should be safe restful place i would naughty corner or have toys taken away and earnt back with good behaviour praise any good behaviour

maybe do reward system marbles in a jar fill the jar and get a reward naughty behaviour loses a marble but can be earnt back with good behaviour make sure his good at nursery ask tell him before hand be good and you get your marbles etc

is he tired when at nursery or when coming home maybe this could be affecting his mood also

screamingabdab Fri 19-Jun-09 17:30:38

Agree with bubblagirl. Try not to get yourself worried about him being naughty, and realise that asking him why he has done things won't make much sense to him.

I know it's hard, but try not to worry that he is turning into a nasty child or anything like that. This is very normal, and nursery is the place for him to learn social skills gradually. If it's happening there, then there is where it needs to be dealt with. My DS2 was a pusher and hitter when frustrated, or just to get his own way - hunger, tiredness both have an effect.

At home, really go to town on praising him when he does something good. Look out for times when he has kept his temper, or calmed down quickly, and praise him for that.

A bad week can also be due to being slightly unwell.

Good luck

dandycandyjellybean Fri 19-Jun-09 17:34:10

thanks bubblagirl. he doesn't really have much concept of others feelings; is kind and loving if he sees someone upset or crying but not in this context it would appear.

his speech is excellent, but i take on board what you're saying about frustration, that is when he is hitting out at us at home; if we are saying no or trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to.

Also take on board what you're saying about bed, only started it coz the naughty step seemed to becoming uneffective (although I use it very rarely, so not through overuse iyswim). Will try removing some toys i think, as we have tried reward charts with him before and they weren't all that effective.

He is tired at nursery, as it is an afternoon session and he is currently having a major growth spurt (1 inch in 2 months so far!!!) although I don't know if that would be having a bearing on his behaviour.

The biggest problem is me being unable to keep it in perspective i suspect, i.e. generally he is a really well behaved, lovely little boy (loads of people comment on this) and I find this new behaviour really difficult not to over react to.

Thanks, and still grateful for any other suggestions....

dandycandyjellybean Fri 19-Jun-09 17:35:23

thanks screamingabdab, x posted and you've hit it right on the head with how i was feeling about it. blush

screamingabdab Fri 19-Jun-09 17:43:28

sexy I know, because I've been there, girl. And sometimes others judge too ...

In my case I think it helped that it was my second DS who was a bit tricky, because I was (a bit) mellower, knowing that everything changes. It's just hard not to think to yourself "my God, what if he turns into a thug?"

I found the Supernanny advice helpful - when you are cross with him, lower your voice, speak firmly and get down to his level. Don't harp on about things, or nag. They just switch off and hear "Bla, Bla, Bla". Another book suggested trying to sound like a bored policeman ..

dandycandyjellybean Fri 19-Jun-09 18:59:17

Thanks screamingabdab. had exactly that same thought loads...who has stolen my lovely charming ds and replaced him with this thug?

he he he this too will pass.....

slowreadingprogress Fri 19-Jun-09 20:01:08

Just trust your ds. He's got to learn, that's all. Kids this age can't learn other than by doing - we have to give them that opportunity. I really wouldn't go over stuff that happened at nursery - nursery have given him the time out; that's enough. Talking about it later is just confusing and pressurising IMHO.

Also it is well worth researching child development so that you can keep a lid on your expectations of him. A three year old is naturally egotisitical, it is part of our survival instinct, and childhood is a long process of overlaying that ego with social skills which mean we learn to consider other's feelings and operate within the norms of society etc

lighten up, relax, give him time, trust him and keep faith with him smile

slowreadingprogress Fri 19-Jun-09 20:09:25

oh and meant to say keep faith in yourself, as well - time out in his room for hitting you for instance seems a very sensible consequence. You are showing him it's unacceptable and you don't want to be with him when he does it.

Don't get into thinking that just because time out hasn't stopped it yet, that it isn't working! Your ds is only 3 and needs more time yet to gain the pathways that enable his brain to kick in to control his actions; he's still prey to strong impulses which are hard to learn to control, but he WILL get there if he's shown a firm and consistent boundary, as he clearly has been so far.

Also FWIW I found my ds was most impulsive and prone to 'violent' outbursts, at 3 and 4. Much easier since!

screamingabdab Fri 19-Jun-09 20:43:37

slowreading Exactly . Nothing at this age works straight away, It's just a slow drip drip approach.

My DS2 is now 6 and he is a lovely, sociable little boy

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