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Dd2 doesn't say goodbye to me anymore - a bit pathetic of me I know

(26 Posts)
Enid Tue 10-May-05 13:25:04

This is such a small problem but it has really begun to upset me. Dd2 has stopped saying goodbye to me when I go to work or hello when I get home. She totally ignores me as soon as J (childminder) arrives and doesn't speak to me for about half an hour when I get home from work. I work part time until 2.30 most days and get home in time to walk to school with dd2 to collect dd1.

I didn't particularly feel like coming to work today (beautiful sunny day, tricky day at work) and it really got to me when she refused to even look at me when I said goodbye and shook her head when I asked for a cuddle. I kissed the top of her head goodbye and she grunted crossly and pushed me away .

She is normally such a chatty little thing. I somehow feel she is 'punishing' me for going to work and can't help thinking that maybe at 2.5 she is too old to be left at home with a childminder and should be at nursery or pre-school. Any child psychologists out there ?

darlingbud Tue 10-May-05 13:30:04

My dd is 2.4 so similar ages. We have similar in a morning when she cries when we leave her at childminder but childmainder says that as oon as I've gone she is absolutley fine. How is she with your childminder when you go?
She is ok when I get home though. maybe you could go home all excited about seeing her and say something like "Mummy has finished work now so we can play together if you like." As her to choose what she wants to do with you.

We have also found that explaining why mummy and daddy go to work (so that Hannah can have nice presents and holidays)seems to work as she understands the need.

Enid Tue 10-May-05 13:34:41

My gut feeling is that she is really bored with the childminder. I don't quite know why that would make her take it out on me (except that I suppose I am leaving her there)? She does love J though and always seems pleased to see her.

Its a very extreme reaction from her though, I think.

Marina Tue 10-May-05 13:36:25

Well, our jolly little scrum-half in Boden frills legs it into her room at nursery so fast she's a blur, enid, so I guess it all boils down to whether you want your rejection/guilt fix at home or in public .
I don't think it's a small problem at all, it is a very painful one when it happens.
If she loves her minder then I don't think she is consciously punishing you, but she is making the transition between parent time and minder time both in the mornings and in the afternoon.
Seriously, how and why do you think a different daycare setting would help?

puddle Tue 10-May-05 13:36:49

My dd does this Enid. Not to me, but to my dp who works three days and looks after her the rest. She definitely punishes him for not being around all the time - when I have had her for the day she often doesn't want him to do her bath or story, or even give him a kiss goodnight. We just ignore it and she eventually stops making a fuss. I have noticed my dd is much more able to do these sophisticated types of behaviour than ds was at her age.

Re childminder vs nursery - I think it depends what the childminder does with her. My dd goes to nursery two days but the social life and activities she does there could easily be provided by a m and t group. I think at three they should be doing something a bit more structured though.

Marina Tue 10-May-05 13:37:17

Ah, that'll teach me to dawdle over my posts.
If that is your gut feeling then it is definitely worth investigating a nursery for her.

lima Tue 10-May-05 13:38:13

does the childmnder have other children as well? If not then maybe she would benefit from gping to pre-school?

my 2 went to day nursery from 6 months, so don't really know about childminders

Enid Tue 10-May-05 13:40:07

It does hurt. Also I hate the fact that she can be so manipulative. Dd1 was much more straightforward (she'd fling herself on me screaming 'mummy please don't go ).

She starts kindergarden in September. I think she'll love it there as she is very bright and sociable. J (childminder) comes to our house and I think she does a lot of cleaning and not much playing although she clearly dotes on dd2.

darlingbud Tue 10-May-05 13:41:18

why not explain that you pay her as a childmnder and not as a cleaner.

Chandra Tue 10-May-05 13:41:28

DS went through a phase when he wave me bye bye when I picked him up from nursery. I think he was having the time of his life. One day he also explained me that he had three mothers, me, the nursery girl who normally take care of him and her assistant. I know many people would think that that's terrible, but I believe that that means that he is also loved to bits while in nursery. How long has she had this childminder?

Marina Tue 10-May-05 13:41:34

Gosh they really are so different aren't they enid! I think the big issue here is that it's your house rather than a new venue.

Enid Tue 10-May-05 13:42:58

I have tried that

She does take dd2 out and about with her but when they are at home I think she relies a lot on the tv.

I used to be so pleased that I got my ironing and washing done but now I can see that dd2 has outgrown that kind of care.

darlingbud Tue 10-May-05 13:44:57

It looks like it. Does she have any other social interaction with other chuildren at all? Maybe a toddler group/nursery might be beneficial for her.

WideWebWitch Tue 10-May-05 13:45:34

I wouldn't mess with something between now and Sept though enid if that's your only concern. I would if my concerns were greater or if dd was unhappy though. Can you ask cm not to do housework? I certainly haven't had kisses in public for about 2.5 years now.

Enid Tue 10-May-05 13:49:31

I've been concerned for a while now. Trouble is, no nurseries here will take them before 2 and 9 months.

I do have Wednesdays off and we go swimming in the morning and to the toddler group at her soon-to-be kindergarten in the afternoon. She LOVES that day. When I tell her that it is Wednesday tomorrow she grits her teeth and wiggles her hands with excitement .

At least during the summer holidays she will have dd1 and the childminders dd for company.

She has a few friends her own age but we never seem to see them very often. I know all this sounds a bit pathetic, but because dd1 was frankly quite anti-social and only wanted me at this age, I have been taken by surprise

Still not sure that this is why she is so cross with me but its the only thing I can think of.

catgirl Tue 10-May-05 14:03:17

no real help, but my ds is going through the same thing - my fab childminder reckons it is a phase and we shouldn't buy into it - she hasn't been wrong before now, so am hoping that he will soon be saying 'bye' at the very least, and giving me a kiss. But it is hurful - doesn't seem to bother dh, but it bothers me. He is happy as larry while there, and usually doesn't want to leave either, so am not worried.

darlingbud Tue 10-May-05 14:03:20

PLay school? Ours takes them from 2 and a half prior to going to nursery. Our play school is on Mon-Fri term time and is on from 9.30-11.30.

motherinferior Tue 10-May-05 14:04:07

Oh sweetie. How horrid for you (MI realises suddenly she is posting Mindless Sympathy ).

She does sound bored. Speaking as the mum whose four year old MARCHED in last week and said 'I'm ^fed up^ and I want to go to my preschool'...hey, kid, not my fault you were off with conjunctivitis, who was working till 10osoddingclock in the PM...

motherinferior Tue 10-May-05 14:05:48

Is there anything you can send her to with the childminder? Returning books to the library plus half an hour for dd2 there, that sort of thing?

Enid Tue 10-May-05 14:08:39

I tried singing/music classes childminder clearly felt out of her depth and hated it and made so many excuses not to go that I Gave Up. (not classes, you know what I mean, Music with mummy type things)

Library is a great idea, she can't say no to that surely. Although she is NOT interested in books at all (J, not dd2!)

darlingbud Tue 10-May-05 14:12:24

At the end of the day childminders work for us and if you want her to do something with your children then they should respect that unless there is a good reason for not doing so. Not enjoying it or being out of depth in my opinion is not a good excuse. Those classes were for your dd not her benefit.

motherinferior Tue 10-May-05 14:12:47

There might be a storytelling session at the library too - ours are embarrassingly badly done (I went on maternity leave and used to sing along to the incredibly badly harmonised versions of the Hokeycokey using alternative anti-Thatcher lyrics learned on youthful demos) but still quite a good distraction and there are other kids there and CM wouldn't have to do anything.

My two can charge round a library for ages. And they do an awful lot to promote the responsible use of contraception among other readers - er, would-be readers - too

Enid Tue 10-May-05 14:15:25

I know. She isn't ideal in a lot of ways. But that's probably because she's more like a family member than a childminder. She came to us as a cleaner and just became part of our lives - first to dd1 and then when dd2 came along she was so fantastically helpful when she was a baby. She offered to look after dd2 when I was struggling to find a childminder and we thought we had struck gold!

But I can see that dd2 has outgrown her a bit now.

She (J) keeps being off sick atm which is soooo stressful too.

I can't believe this started off as a thread about dd2 but has changed into something else entirely.

motherinferior Tue 10-May-05 14:20:06

Enid, I think it is much better for children to reach a stage where it's clear they need to move on, before having to move on IYSWIM; my DD1's childminder is quite open about the fact that DD1 is more than ready for school (she goes to preschool twice a week, and is clearly outgrowing playgroup on the other days). So it is a positive, really.

She sounds lovely - your dd2 that is - and I wish we could nip round with Inferiorettes for her to play with.

puddle Tue 10-May-05 14:20:50

Enid in reality you've only got another couple of weeks to half term, then another six/ seven to summer hols. It's not long. Maybe you could talk to your dd about what she'd like to do with J that day and then you can both tell J when she arrives? You know 'DD really wants to do painting/ have a dolls party/ potter in the garden this morning - can you help her do that?'Maybe J needs 'permission' to do less domestic stuff and spend more time just playing or doing outings? If she started as a cleaner?

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