Please tell me how to stop yelling(14 Posts)
DD1 is 4 and a half years old. She's usually a fairly sweet-natured, very articulate and not particularly naughty girl. But if she wants something, which let's face it, is frequently, she can be sooooo argumentative. I try to reason, I try to explain but in the end something snaps and the only way I have found to end the argument is to yell at her.
She hates it and has told me so, so I end up apologising to her and trying to explain why I feel the need to do it....but inevitably it happens again.
But supernanny must've covered something like this in one of her programmes (only caught the last one). Alternatively, some of you out there must've found better ways of dealing with this.
With DD2, because I saw it all with DD1, I cope much better. With DD2, I feel like she's my guinea pig and that doesn't seem fair on her.
Anyone have any idea what I mean by this ramble??
go into another room, take deep breaths and count to 10, then try and reason with her, if you still have no joy place her in another room on her own for 5 minutes. When her time is up ask her for an opology and then tell her you want her to listen while you are speaking.
If that fails, just tell her you will not speak to her untill she is ready to behave, leave the room and ignore her for as long as it takes. It could take 30 minutes but she will evetually realise you are not backing down, and she will give up.
Be warned you may have to do this alot of times, but it will have the desired effect in the end.
My advice - and I've seen this as 'expert' advice too - is to simply stop arguing with her. it's pointless and it leads you to get angry and shout. Instead make your decision (eg no sweets just before dinner - but always pick your battles, only say no if it is truly reasonable and important) then stick to it and avoid getting drawn into arguments/negotiation/defending yourself. So if she says, 'why can't I have sweets?' you could offer a very brief explanation - 'because we are going to have tea soon and that's my final word on the matter" - then ignore any other arguments or negotiation. Try to change the subject or distract her or simply ignore her. Carry on as normal. You are not equals - you are her mum - so you don't need to negotiate everything, and as it is ending in shouting it clearly isn't working for either of you. So don't do it! When my ds starts arguing with me I tend to say 'Yes, I know you want it, and you can't have it" then change the subject so he feels heard but knows I won't give in. I might even make a joke of it - eg 'Are we having an argument, argument boy?' which he really likes! He's 3.7 btw.
No advice because I find myself having a similar problem with DS who is the same age. My thing is him not listening to me, dragging his heels when things need to get done (ie leaving the stair gate open, getting dressed for nursery etc).
The problem with programmes like super nanny is, IMO, that they only deal with the extreme behaviour and the little negative patterns that lots of people get into aren't looked at. Doesn't make for entertaining viewing I suppose.
Mum2girls - I've been making a real effort recently not to shout - and it's difficult. I have a 5 year old who can't half go on and tries to argue her corner and one thing - that seems harsh but kind of works is that if - having been told she can't have something, and having been given a simple and reasonable explanation of why not, if she keeps going on, I will tell her that if she mentions it again they'll be a consequence (eg toy taken away, or sitting on the step). To some extent I sometimes have some sympathy with her - I think she is genuinely trying to understand the rules (why no today when you said yes three days ago, what's different about today?) but I think it's risky to explain too much - partly cos you'll end up exposing minor inconsistencies to be expolted. Keep it simple. Every now and then - at a calm time like bedtime, I chat to her a bit and tell that to some extent she needs to trust Mummy and Daddy because everything we do we do because we love her, and we want her to be happy (a nicer way of saying we know best!)
I've been having similar problems with my 3 year old. I've found the ignoring thing and trying to change the subject very useful. It is bl--dy hard work though and if I'm tired then it makes it 10 times worse but worth it, in the end, I think.
Another vote for ignoring! My DD is 6 and if i get "pleeeeeeaase" more than three times after I've said no I just turn my back and do something else and ignore her. Works every time. DS is three and doesn't argue with me really - long may THAT last!
I think we all yell from time to time but after a another thread recently where we discussed this I'm making a conscious effort not to! Easier said than done but you can get your point across just as well and everyone is calmer. So instead of yelling "come on, you'll be late for school, get your shoes on etc etc", I now say, "I'm ready, I'm leaving, I'm walking out the door now!" and you've never seen a child move so fast.
I always find that there's a trigger point - where I am about to "lose it". I do best by working through this with humour, or occasionally just saying that I've finished my discussion. DD could argue for a living (I'm not the only one to suggest corporate law as a career...) and since she's failed to trigger me, kife is much more fun. It's like the point where you could turn left or right, next time just try diffusing the situation with humour without giving in - egs include because I'm an evil old witch and I assume you want to eat tomorrow etc (of course my dd is older than yours therefore less likely to take me literally).
DS2 is 4.5 and I find myself shouting at him sometimes but it does no good really. I resort to putting him in a boring room if I'm really at the end of my tether. He's so repetitive about things he wants so it grates on you after a while. Plus he's tons naughtier than DS1 ever was and is. I try to think how lovely he is really but sometimes it's easier said than done. Agree with ignoring too.
my dd is 7 and i feel your pain....i found myself apologizing for being a parent. you know dicipline, they get upset, then you feel bad....i tried the explaining thing...that only gives them power to munipulate.......when i grew up i heard,"because i told you so" then professionals said that wasn't the way and you were supposed to explain why....i created a monster...if the reason wasn't good enough i found myself arguing with a child and then getting upset and holloring about it....i just quit....if she starts i just send her to her room. or ground her..or make her do chores...don't know how good that is as a parent but everyone has their own advice and every child is different
Thanks everyone, I have to stop shouting, I know it, cos when I really yell, it scares both DDs and I'm obviously not proud of that.
Aloha - you're right, I try to reason with her as I would an adult and that's obviously pointless and I like your idea Hatsoff about the bedtime chat.
I'll keep all these and the other suggestions (diversion, humour etc.)in mind - watch this space tho, I may be back!
just bouoght 'how to talk so kids will listen...'
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