Please help me with my 9 year old DS' s behaviour.....

[MorocconOil]

I am at a loss how to deal with DS2's recently. In general he's quick-tempered and slightly intolerant of other children's foibles. He's also a kind, loving affectionate boy. He often feels excluded at school by his friends. I don't know how real this is, or whether it is his perception. For the past 4 years he has had about 5 constant friends, who he is in and out of friendship with.
School tell me he is a popular member of the class,fairly socially skilled and well-behaved.
Recently he has come home with a few bruises caused by one of the 'naughty' boys in his class. I have talked to school about it and it is being dealt with. Just before half-term DS1 hit another of the 'difficult' boys in his class, and now his big brother age 17 is threatening to 'box' DS1. Big brother was excluded from school, and the family are well-known in the area for being 'troubled'.
DS1 was terrified and I immediately went into school and informed the head, who reassured me it will all blow over.
DS is very anxious about it. We have talked it over many times, and I have promised to collect him from school etc.
Part of his anxiety manifests itself by DS1 being really nasty with all of us. DS2 is the biggest victim. This morning DS1 kicked him in the genitals, was verbally abusive towards him etc. I am sorry to say I lost with DS1 and shouted that there was no need for him to take his worries about school on everyone else. The only way to stop him from continuing to hurt DS2 was to say I would smack him..
As well as feeling terrible about this, I am really worried about DS1 and how to proect and help him through this.
DH says it is a normal part of growing up, but I'm not so sure.
Thanks for reading, and please if you have experience/advice to offer I'd be grateful to hear it.

[titchy]

Sorry it's unclear which ds you are concerned about, and how old both of them are? Is ds2 9, with an older brother who kicked him in the balls? Or is the 9 yo the one that kicked his younger brother?

[MorocconOil]

Oh sorry for that confusion. I was ranting a bit. DS1 is the older one I am worried about. DS1 is 9 and kicked DS2 who is 7.

[katiek123]

mimi - i am so happy to 'see' you again - and so, so sorry that things are tough ... i have to rush off on the school run now but will come back later. here is a big hug in the meantime {{{ }}}

[MorocconOil]

Katiek-
It's so lovely to find you again. Your kind post has made my eyes fill up! Thankyou

[katiek123]

oooh no no no - the pleasure is all mine i've really missed you and rachel (i know we now have to call her by her curlyhaired new name - but she'll always be rachel to me!) and sky since the demanding kids thread eventually died a bit of a death. so listen - am back from the school cycle home (dragging DS tear-stained and exhausted behind us, he's no fan of that final push up the hill on the way home - getting to school is a breeze!!) but still have not had a chance to think this thorny situation of yours through. it sounds really horrid for you all. as your DH says, it's probably within the norm of what most of our kids will have to go through at some stage - the upside is that it will teach him resilience and coping skills for life - the downside is that it HURTS - him and you (and everyone in the family, by extension). argh.

my DD (now 8) is quick-tempered and can be exceedingly irritable, especially when underslept. although she and DS(nearly 6) are usually thick as thieves and great chums, she can really take her feelings out on him. not physically (i guess if she were a boy that might be different) but verbally. luckily DS is mature for his age and i usually find taking him to one side when things are calmer and explaining about DD's emotions getting the better of her, her needing a scapegoat, etc, and not meaning what she's said is fairly effective. one upside is that he is developing diplomatic skills way beyond his tender years and does not usually bear a grudge. at the time though, it is SO hard to hear her being unkind to him - i end up saying weedy things like 'kids! please be KIND to each other' - water off a duck's (two ducks') back(s) of course!! sigh.

can your DD2 understand about emotions spilling over/getting the better of DS1? [i agree kicking in the goolies has to be a zero tolerance behaviour and i can see why you reacted as you did - most of us would have.]

must go - back soon - sorry to leave virtually mid-sentence - you know how it is after school!! thinking of you xxx

[katiek123]

DS2,not DD2, sorry - am sure you knew what (who!) i meant!

[JeffVadar]

It's really hard to clamp down on bad behaviour when they are having such a hard time at school!

It sounds like you need to have a proper, calm talk with him (over ice creams in the garden?) to reinforce the fact that he must not take his problems on his little brother.

It also sounds like he hasn't been reassured that things will 'blow over' and that the school will look out for him. They may well be, but if he is unaware of what they are actually doing then he will keep on worrying.

Can you arrange a meeting for you and DS to talk things over with the head or his class teacher. They may be able to boost his confidence a bit and bring the 'naughty' boys down a few sizes in his mind, so he will feel he can cope a bit better.

I hope that he begins to feel better about things soon!

[MorocconOil]

Katiek- you are so right and put it so eloquently( as usual) about what to say to DS2 about his brother's behaviour. I will have a chat with him about DS1. I am always careful about sharing sensitve info about the other sibling incase thay use it later to hurt the other. However DS2 is quite a bit more empathetic than DS1 even though he's 2 years younger. DS1 is emotionally less mature, and this is probably why he gets himself into these scrapes. He's just hot headed and doesn't think before he speaks, or punches. I have been trying to do role play type exercises with and hopefully they will sink in eventually. Sorry will come back later DS2 has just been hurt by guess who?

[MorocconOil]

DS1 threw a book onto DS2's head from his bunk. We should probably move DS2's bed away from the firing line. They are both hot, bothered and tired but unable to settle in the heat.
Jeffvadar, the deputy head's comment about it all blowing over wasn't especially unhelpful, but to be fair I did go to her at 4.15 on the friday before half-term. She was probably ready to jet off somewhere nice.
I will go and see his class teacher later in the week. He seems to have had a fairly good day at school today, so hopefully things have blown over.
Thanks both for your constructive support.

[katiek123]

hi mimi - hope things went better today. do get in touch by email sometime - i don't want to lose you again! it's [email protected]

[MorocconOil]

Hi Katie, DS 1 has been much calmer since going back to school, so I am sure things have blown over, for the time being. No doubt there's a new challenge around the corner. I have emailed you