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Great friend but with hideous child, what to do!

(18 Posts)
sandyballs Thu 21-Apr-05 16:41:57

A dear friend of mine has the child from hell - not just the "normal" 4 year old stuff but a DD who constantly shoves, shouts, hits, kicks, ignores everything any adult says to her, and is basically a spoilt precocious little so and so.
She is now starting to influence my own DD's, who are quite impressed by her! How can I bring this up with my friend without falling out? Her mum hardly disciplines her, when she does it is empty threats that she doesn't carry through or it's a "don't do that sweeeeetheart" whilst her DD punches and kicks mine. I've told her DD off before in my house and asked her to stop behaving so badly without any effect.

Other mutual friends of ours have commented on her DD's behaviour and I hate to think we are all talking behind mum's back without her knowing.

Twiglett Thu 21-Apr-05 16:49:19

I'd stop seeing her with children personally (although its easier to advise than do)

also have zero tolerance in your house, if the child behaves badly treat her the way you'd treat your own or ask your 'friend' to take her home as you cannot have the kind of behaviour in your house

.... come to think of it wouldn't have the guts to do that either, much easier to say than do

oh I don't know -- but much empathy - bad parents as friends are hell

motherofboys Fri 22-Apr-05 10:40:51

Oh dear sandyballs - Are your children due to go to school together? Do they do Nursery together? If so you have to try to ensure that your child is grounded and knows that your friends DD behaviour is not acceptable - she will also get that message at school/nursery - not easy i know.
Also perhaps you should try and have a general parenting chat with your friend - it may be that she would welcome some help on the subject of discipline but doesn't know how to ask? Keep it away from the personal issues - maybe use a "Little Angels" programme as a talking point?

WideWebWitch Fri 22-Apr-05 18:10:48

You can't do anything other than stop seeing her with children, that's what I'd do.

MumOnaMission Fri 22-Apr-05 21:16:41

Do you use time-outs? If so you could tell your friend when she's at your house that there's a very decent naughty step (or whatever) there that she can feel free to use. Or think of a story that you can tell to your friend about your dds being really naughty and what you did that had the desired effect. That way it just sounds like your having a bit of a rant about your own kids rather than picking on hers. If that doesn't work, give her dd a time-out (at your house) and say sorry but I can't let my dds see her get away with it when I wouldn't let them. It has to be the same rules for all when under your roof.

Rinkydink Sun 24-Apr-05 19:49:33

I have a similar problem, the child in question is my daughters best friend. Mum is lovely and a really good laugh, but she's so soft with her children, they run riot.
Dd understands that sometimes her best friend can be naughty, and when he is, then she must go and play with someone else at nursery.
It is frustrating when she says or does something i know has come from her friend because i have to tell her its wrong, but she sees her friend getting away with it.
I just enforce to my daughter, what is good and the right thing to do, and to ignore any bad behaviour from this boy. Tough, but be persisitant and it will work!

Chandra Sun 24-Apr-05 19:57:16

Same problem with a friend here, we only invite her to go out as we can not deal with her children's behaviour. What makes me mad about her is not that smug smile saying that her children are full of life, but that if I tell DS off for doing the same as her girls, she interrupts me and says "Oh don't be nasty, why he can't do that? mine do!". I'm getting so tired of the situation that I'm even considering not to see her for a time...

cutemum Mon 25-Apr-05 14:03:15

I have got the same problem although the ages are soooo different, my DS is 19 months old and my best friends DS is 17 months old and they are like chalk and cheese, My DS is quite sensitive and shy and is totally terrorised by my BF's son who pushes/hits/scratches my DS. I know what I would like to say to my BF, but in reality it's so much harder to say something, so I have decided to take action myself...when I witness an "incident" I step in with top speed and tell my BF's DS that his behaviour is totally unacceptale (try to ignore the looks from my rather irate friend)!! This approach seems to be working as now when there is a said "incident" my BF steps in and gives a row when needed, all this success wihtout haveing to say a word to my friend!!

Chandra Mon 25-Apr-05 14:09:14

You have rather pacific friend Cutemum, I once said "isn't it a bit cruel to place your toys inside of the fishtank dear?" friend wrote me a letter saying I was nobody to call her cruel and has not spoke to me ever since.

Though she was a bid mad, she was always complaining about another friend saying that everytime such friend asked her 1 yrs old if she was cold was resting her authority as a mother. . Some people are so protective of their children that not even the whether is a good topic of conversation

Chandra Mon 25-Apr-05 14:10:24

whether??? weAther

Kelly1978 Mon 25-Apr-05 14:11:55

I had this problem, the friend in question had two ds who were allowed to run wild in their own home (which was consequently a tip) with no respect for adult belongings. They have no respect for adults at all really, they constantly interrupt, etc. My ds was starting to learn some funny behaviors off them.
My friend did notice her childrens' behavior was poor but actually said she refused to take responsibility as she couldn't see what she was doing wrong and they were just lively kids. So I don't have them round my house any more. I did try tellign them not to touch things and play nicely, etc. but I found I was so busy running around after her kids and had so much tidying up t do afterwards it wasn't worth the hassle of them coming round any more!!
Now, I don't see that much of her at all, which is a shame, but I have to put my kids first.

mummylonglegs Mon 25-Apr-05 14:54:08

It's so difficult isn't it? I have a lovely friend with a dd 8 months older than mine who's now 2 1/2. Friend's dd is a big girl, full of energy who never sits still, pushes my dd around and grabs from her and screams in her face to 'make her cry' which she thinks is hilarious. Friend's dd also talks VERY loudly over the top of everyone and everything. The latter provided my excuse to stop seeing her with the kids. I said, 'gosh, I'd really like to see you (friend) for a chat instead of being constantly distracted by the kids.' Friend took me up on it and we have a nice quiet adult drink a couple of times a month instead now!

mogwai Mon 25-Apr-05 19:04:38

I have an old school friend who has a nightmare 4 year old son. I'm 32 weeks pg and had to endure him throwing things at me and hitting me yesterday afternoon. Others have described him politely as a "whirling dervish", for that, read "will break everything in your house". This child has been to my home only once since he learned to walk, I think his mum is afraid to take him anywhere.

I'm hoping to have my baby christened in september with a garden party back at our house. I have no idea how to approach my friend about this - I can hardly tell her her ds can't come, but I'm seriously considering not having the party at our house because I'll be on edge watching this child all afternoon.If we have to hold it elsewhere, it will be so much more expensive. We just had our house renovated - everything is spanking new and has practically bankrupted us so don't want it ruined.

How can I word it to her that I'd love her to come to the christening if she can keep an eye on her son? She was my bridesmaid and I had to ban all children from the wedding because it was the only way to ensure he didn't come.

Juliettesmum Tue 26-Apr-05 09:50:13

My bf's DD is almost 3yrs old and she is an absolute terror. My DD is nearly a tear and I hope she doesn't rub off on her. This child is just awful. The worst part is that she swears. She says the most upsetting things, and she knows exactly when to say the words. If I try to tell her not to touch a certain thing of not to do a certain thing, she might say f you or shut up or go away or she'll call me a bxxxh. Its so frustrating. Especially when her mother is sitting right there. She just rolls her eyes aqnd ignores it. Its not just me that this child plays up to. A few of our other friends have seen it too. The child is very spoiled and is let get away with whatever she does. All I can say is, thank God I haven't got a monster child (yet)!

BadgerBadger Tue 26-Apr-05 10:20:34

Sorry to go full circle but before now, I have done as Twiglett suggested at the beginning of the thread!

I approached a close friend several times re her DD's behaviour, specifically her many and varied attacks on my DD1! Unfortunately, nothing sunk in, so one day upon her hitting my DD1 in the face for the second time, entirely out of the blue - they were asked to leave.

It did work in that the parent woke up and realised that her DD's behaviour towards other children really wasn't funny at all.

Unfortunately, the shelf life of this method lasted for about a year and we are now back where we started, so we have them over only very rarely.

cutemum Tue 26-Apr-05 13:21:35

oh my god!!!! I have just had my best friend/neighbour over to let me know in no uncertain terms that I was out of order in repremanding her DS at toddler group today. I stepped in when my BF's DS grabbed my DS's face and held on with his nails for dear life. My DS's face has now several scrtches on it. I think I handled the situation fine...tell me if I'm wrong...I said in a no messing tone of voice."Now..Stop that at once, that's not nice." that's all I said...promise. My BF was at the other side of the hall when this took place. I am sitting here just fizzing at the mo.
Sorry, had to get that off my chest.

mogwai Tue 26-Apr-05 18:07:54

oh dear Cutemum - how frustrating. Unfortunately some parents think their awful children are truly delightful. Even when they are stealing money from them at 15 years old, the repsonse is "oh, he's such a cad!" - er, no! He's a right little shit and I'm really glad he's your little shit and not mine!

Just think yourself lucky (or having done a good job) that you don't have to suffer similar brattishness!

cutemum Tue 26-Apr-05 20:53:52

cheers for that mogwai...I am starting to calm down now.

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